Back Home

I'm back in Boston. My sister had a big scare yesterday- turned the wrong way and had excruciating pain. She was too afraid to be so far away from the Dana Farber where she has been getting amazing care.

Everything is ok- the "hillbilly heroin" or oxycodone, is doing great for her pain. Or not, but she doesn't care because ... well... she's high as a kite.

It's good to be home. Although as I went to put things into the refrigerator, I was frightened. Jeanine had stuff growing in there and... um... not pretty.

Actually quite disgusting.

A friend once said to me, see the mess as a sign that she loves you. Misses you.

That's kind of a stretch but I'll try. It's clean now- that's a sign that I love her.

Walter and Allan are coming and bringing dinner. I miss them. I miss having cocktails on the deck in downeast with them, watching the birds at low tide. I miss a lot of stuff right now.

Next Sunday, the boys go to camp. All of them. I'll have a week at home with them, Jeanine, before they go. We'll play video games to saturate their brains before they go- Zachary and Jake are gone a month with no TV, no electronics.

Ben only a week.

For the week they are all gone, my sister has a good friend of hers coming to stay with her. We've found a short term rental for her in Boston, very close to the hospital.

She'll feel safe there.

Before her friend gets there, Jeanine and I will take turns staying with her. It's two minutes from where Jeanine works, literally, so she'll go have lunch with her during the day.

And for the week the kids are all gone, and my seester has her friend, Jeanine and I are going to a fabulous hotel in the Berkshires.

I wanted to go downeast but Jeanine... this is about her. And connecting. Me being out on a kayak all day isn't really connecting. We'll play golf, go antiquing... oh, who am I kidding? I don't plan on getting out of bed the whole week except for food.

I really miss her.

Ben and I will go to downeast after he gets back from camp. Walter and Allan will be up there and we've promised to do the annual meeting cookout for the small, rustic community at the end of the point.

We all get together and promise there will never be electricity. Flush toilets. Heat.

It'll be great.

My seester will have a place to kinda call home. Big city address, she's going to learn what it's like to live with every convenience at your door.

She's gonna hate it. We both grew up in the country and lemme tell ya, she still wants to be there. She doesn't like sushi or espresso.

It's all going to work out.

At least that's what I keep telling myself.

A Day in the Life of a Caretaker

Phew. The FedEx piece was exciting. I do love doing that work, shareholder resolution stuff. I believe corporations will always be way ahead of government policies- and we need them to be in order to get government to respond.

It makes a very real difference in people's lives. I especially like that part.

But for my regulars, not the additional couple thousand that stopped by to read about FedEx- thanks to all of you my sitemeter is fun to look at now- I wanted to give an update on the day in a life of a caretaker.

I realize that's what I am now. Sure, I'm a mom and moms take care of children, but this is different. I'm taking care of someone with cancer.

Yup, I finally said it. Finally got approval to say it. We've been dealing with this big, bad word for a while now. It's not so scary anymore.

I always knew, for a long time, that I would be the one to take care of my sister. I was the only one in the family who appreciated her for who she is and didn't judge her.

That glass house thing... I'm very aware of it.

My sister was one of the first people I told I was a lesbian. She didn't understand, and didn't really like the idea, but I was her sister and she loved me. No matter what. I think I was about 16 when I told her. I didn't come out to my mother until I was 20 and even then it wasn't my choice. She asked, I paused, and the rest is history.

When my sister met a man online and decided to go across country with him, I took a deep breath and said OK. I was scared for her, no question. But I also knew she needed some tie to a safe place. I would always be that safe place.

She keeps telling me that I saved her life. I didn't save her life. I provided a safe place. I will say there were some really sweet people in Georgia, ones that cared about her. But the world she had built was based on a man, not on her own sense of self.

It wasn't safe. He wasn't safe.

It is a strange world I'm in now. Slow motion at times, at times a roller coaster. I do the laundry, cook meals and we talk a lot. The boys are with Jeanine on their way out to visit their fabulous cousins in Iowa. For now, it's just my seester and I.

Walter asked me if we've gotten closer or if it's been stressful. I would have to say both- and neither. My sister and I have always been close even when we didn't talk every day. We've always had a connection.

It's stressful because she's sick. I don't want her to be sick. I want her to jump up and make her fabulous taco salad for dinner. I don't want to talk about who to leave what in the will, but I am.

It's important. I'm not afraid of these conversations. They carry a lot of weight of responsibility for me, to make sure who gets what. I will honor whatever she wants.

It's not stressful because the sun is out, the breeze is keeping the bugs away and the only thing we have to do is eat dinner and chat.

Stay in the moment, I keep reminding myself.

We don't always agree about everything but we are respectful of each other in how we voice it. That has always been the case. I hold things at times, consider them, not because I am afraid of the confrontation but because I want to use my best words with her.

I am a caretaker now. I'd like to think of it as a being full of gentle love. Respect. I know I will not always be successful, I will lose my patience, I will become angry at all that feels so unfair.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Because I love my sister. Always have. Always will.

FedEx Delivers to the Transgender Community

A few months ago, I was asked by a transgender activist in Tennesee to look into FedEx's policy regarding gender identity. I did, and I went to the one place I knew would do something about it- NorthStar Asset Management, Inc. What began as a very basic shareholder resolution has now turned into a fascinating story. Before the ink was dry on the press release, a Christian website, OneNewsnow, had called Julie Goodridge for an interview. How they found out is unknown at this time. As often is the case on the internet, it's gone wild and the RightWingNuts have decided to give it their own little twist- last I read Huffington Post requested that FedEx change it’s policy- nothing could be further from the truth.

The truth is in the press release that follows. I did work with NorthStar Asset Management to change the policy at FedEx- more companies to follow. That was not information given in the interview but... it's fine. It's true.

But like a game of telephone, the facts are being quickly distorted. Let the following set the record straight, so to speak, and please write FedEx a letter or email of support- they are getting hammered for doing this very basic act of decency.



FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: July 13, 2009
CONTACT: Julie Goodridge
NorthStar Asset Management, Inc.
PO Box 301840
Boston, MA 02130
617-522-2635
jgoodridge@northstarasset.com


FedEx Delivers to the Transgender Community

NorthStar Asset Management, Inc., a portfolio management company in Boston, is pleased to announce that it has reached an agreement with FedEx Corporation, a provider of transportation and business solutions, for the creation of an official FedEx policy that is inclusive of gender identity.

“We filed a resolution seeking protection against any form of job discrimination based on gender identity, and FedEx responded with a desire to understand and incorporate such a policy,” said Julie Goodridge, CEO of NorthStar Asset Management, Inc.

According to the National Center for Transgender Equality, transgender people face disproportionate amounts of discrimination in virtually all areas of life, especially in employment and health care. Congress and the Obama Administration have been slow to act on passing the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (a proposed bill that would prohibit discrimination against employees on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity) and because of this; an increasing number of companies – often after being confronted with shareholder resolutions regarding gender identity – are adding appropriate protections. According to the Human Rights Campaign’s State of the Workplace 2008 report, currently 35% of Fortune 500 companies, and over 60% of the top 100 Fortune-ranked businesses, have inclusive employment policies, and have added gender identity to their diversity and sensitivity programs.

“Transgender people suffer the greatest amount of discrimination in the workforce and have little recourse due to the lack of protection under state and federal law,” Goodridge noted. “While it is unfortunate that the Federal government has yet to pass an inclusive Non-Discrimination Act that includes all people, thankfully there are U.S. corporations like FedEx who are determined to protect and value all of their workers…they are leading the way potentially years ahead of Capitol Hill.”

Marisa Richmond, Ph.D., President of the Tennessee Transgender Political Coalition – located in the state where the corporate headquarters of FedEx resides – said “We are pleased that FedEx is expanding its non-discrimination policy to include gender identity. By recognizing the value and contributions of transgender workers, we believe the company will benefit from those contributions, and that this will allow their current and future employees the opportunity to help the company move forward.”

Forbes Magazine recognized FedEx in March 2009 as one of the most admired companies in the world; NorthStar applauds this most recent step that shows the company’s continuing desire to create a safe working environment.

NorthStar Asset Management, Inc. is a wealth management firm based in Boston, specializing in socially responsible investing.

Melt Down

I just had a complete meltdown.

All my moms are coming and I cannot wait for them to get here. I was getting the laundry done and... the dryer stopped working. Brand new. Not working.

Oh my god.

This was after I came home from the beach and my sister tells me the records aren't in the right place, she's not sure she can even have her appointment on Monday.

The damn dryer was the last straw. I started to cry.

Why now? Why? Why is all this shit happening at once? Why can't I just have a normal day? My kids are enough to deal with.

Why?

I can't take anymore. I can't be asked for a single thing, I can't take care of one more thing, I just simply can't.

Thank god the moms are on their way.

All Quiet on the Western Front

All is quiet on the western front. Or eastern front. The kids are still sleeping, as is my sister. Just me and the dogs right now. Very peaceful.

The sun is out today. It's amazing how something as small as a sunny day can make all the difference in the world. We'll go to the beach for a while. Work on painting the garage later in the day.

I'm still battling exhaustion. I've been up two hours and could easily take a nap right now. I'll walk the beach instead, hoping to get some energy from the exercise.

"Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, or military combat."

Um... yeah.

"People with PTSD have persistent frightening thoughts and memories of their ordeal and feel emotionally numb, especially with people they were once close to. They may experience sleep problems, feel detached or numb, or be easily startled."

Yup, yup and yup.

I realize this is what is going on right now for me. I cannot concentrate, I am on edge and have been struggling with sleep. There is a special added quality that this all involves my sister, and she and I went through so much as children together.

One would think we've been through enough but... I guess not.

I'm working on being in the present. I took the boys shopping yesterday- yet another rainy day and new shoes were in need.

Ben is a size eleven foot. Good lord.

We sit around the dinner table, with our usual loud, boisterous conversation. I have a press release to write, something I love to do. So much is normal, so much is not.

I'm going to try and think about what Buddha would do. I have a small statue of a fabulously fat Buddha smiling in my living room (why have a skinny Buddha? just seems wrong). The sun is dancing on the floor in front of him, not quite there but still, he smiles.

I know a piece of it is not owning what is not mine. Letting go. Breathing in the fresh air, my children's laughter, and the smell of bacon cooking.

What's done is done.

Zachary's Birthday Wish

The other day, Zachary told me what he wanted to do for his birthday. The actual day is when he is at camp, so we celebrate after.

I want to go to NYC, he said, stay in a nice hotel. Just the family.

Yeah? I'm surprised. This does not sound like Zachary.

And then we can go to that restaurant so I can have frog legs again.

Um... you sure?

Yeah, and maybe we can go see a play. Like Spamalot.

Alrighty, then. We will see what we can do.

And yes, I am aware the stress is getting to him, too.

Bah!

One of the bonus effect of my sister's illness is that she's losing weight. A lot of weight. She's been someone who struggled with weight issues most of her life. Now? The weight is dropping off.

Regardless of what she eats. Which has meant requests for chips, ice cream, cookies... stuff I rarely have in the house. But it's summer, the kids are on vacation and she can have whatever she wants.

Mind you, I'm gaining weight just watching her. Bah.

I had plain salad (no dressing, no croutons), and some tuna salad on top (light mayo and only a little), water, apricot for lunch.

My sister had a cheeseburger, extra cheese, BBQ chips, AND potato salad.

Watch. she'll lose two pounds. I'll gain two.

Bah. Bah to sick people. Bah to compassion. Bah I say.

The kids, though, are in heaven.

Living in the Moment

Ahhhh... quiet. Total and complete quiet right now. I'm in heaven.

Walter and Allan came yesterday and took the boys to the beach this morning. It is a beautiful day, the sun out, nice breeze- all is well with the world.

It hit me again, yesterday, how ill my sister is. Her fever was high again, and she slept for three hours in the middle of the day, even through the boys loud playing. I have been in a lot of denial about how sick she is.

It is odd, in some ways. I am not one to think positive- it drives my wife crazy. Every time my mother was sick, I was certain she would die. We sat through many a tearful conversation about what to do if she did not wake from a surgery.

She always did. Minus the end of her life, but that was a slow demise, not a sudden, unexpected slam.

I haven't gone there with my sister. I refuse to entertain the possibility that something could go wrong, that the disease is farther along than we think. That she will continue to feel so awful because the treatment might not work.

I can't, for the most part, think past the next hour. As the planner of the family, this is not good. But in terms of life lessons, I see how valuable this is for me.

Sit. Breathe. Live in the moment.

Allan sat me down yesterday and said, the boys need to know this isn't a small thing. They need to understand there is a long term reality- their usually playful aunt is not going to jump up and be able after a day on the calendar. This is going to be a winding roller coaster.

They need to learn compassion.

It brought me back. I will not have structure, for the most part. I can only plan the next hour, maybe two. Jake and I will go golfing this afternoon. We will have leftovers for dinner tonight. Laundry needs to be done.

That's it.

I also know I will have to reach out to all of my network of friends to help me with this. I cannot do it alone. I cannot be the sole support. My shoulders are broad but even I have my limits.

I hate feeling helpless. It is old, and pulls me back into a place where I have no voice.

Again, those damn triggers.

Tomorrow, doctors needs to be called. More records transferred. I need to get the books for the boys reading lists.

There is only so much I can do. I can't wave a wand and make my sister feel better. I wish I could. The Fates have a different plan for me.

But in this moment, there is delicious quiet. Sun. Dogs napping. I know I cannot catch it, bottle it, keep it.

It's a lesson I seem to need to learn in this life.