Monday, September 22, 2014

It's been a long time. Much has changed.

The Suburban Lesbian Housewife now is divorced, teaching, and has moved to the city.

My oldest, as you all may remember, is Ben. He's off to college. He's six feet tall and very beautiful. I mention that first because I know he would want me to. He's grown into a young man. It wasn't easy. Growing up never is. I'm proud of the person he is.

Zachary, the middle, is by far the tallest. He absorbs school and likes to learn for the sake of learning. He has a deeply rooted belief in justice and calls me a communist in our dialogues about the world. Perhaps. I love the way he thinks and considers issues. Smart, beautiful young man. (He would want that mentioned last, if at all.)

First born, third child Jake is no longer chasing his brothers around trying to get their attention. I take that back- he's not trying to get positive attention anymore. He's a powerhouse athlete- nothing out there he can't play and play well. Beyond handsome, he will still mug shamelessly for the camera. He believes in being a good man, in a classic way. Kind and real to everyone he meets.

As for me? Divorced. I won't go into details. I wish I had some beautiful story to tell about how everything worked out and no hard feelings. I don't. What's more important to write about is the journey. What it's like to be divorced, now, at 51 years old. How it feels to have my kids half time after spending my life until that point as a stay at home mom. How it feels to suddenly have half my time free.

I'm still teaching. I love it. It's amazing to sit in a room over the course of 16 weeks with groups of musicians just beginning their path. What a gift.

And I moved to the city.

Yup. After 29 years in Newton, I'm moved to Boston. In that move, I finally let go of the rest of my sister's things. It was hard leaving her house, but it was time for me to have my own. I still miss her. I think of her every single day. I reconnected with her very best friend Patty over the summer. She gave me the one thing I needed the most- forgiveness. She knew my sister and was there at the end. I hadn't been able to forgive myself for not being all that my sister needed. Patty did. It was a gift.

Big shifts for me. I wanted to start writing this blog again because I believe I am not unique. I realize that while I have my children, and good friends? I am doing this alone. Not a self-pitying alone, rather a nod to the reality that people are dead. Relationships, over. I'm not 25 looking to start new, rather 50 plus and wanting to integrate the good and move beyond the losses.

How to have faith, for the lack of a better word, when everything going forward looks fraught.Wide open spaces can be scary to a girl who used to hide in the woods.

Big shifts in our world, too. When I was 25? I thought pigs would fly before gay people could marry. Now marriage equality is almost a ho-hum experience. Yet will we ever get to a place of equality for all?  Politics have become such a farce, people refusing to vote, which is a fast train to crazy government. Global warming has been successfully reframed as climate change- hopefully in time to make real impact.

New York City saw one great protest yesterday. The question is, will it continue?

Mostly? I need to write again. The blog was the best place for me to do it. I made myself write every day. So it begins again. I have been wary of anything that feels like a backward step, and yet understand that there was much that was good and beautiful in my previous life. I have barely written in the last few years. You know the old saying, if you don't have anything good to say... I didn't.

I realize everyone is over blogs. I realize no one reads them anymore. I'm doing this to write again, not to try and change the world. Okay, I always want to change the world. This time, though, is for me.

But I need a new name. Lesbian Divorcee? Single City Mom? Any suggestions?


Blogger Ms. Moon said...

Brave Writing Woman?
I am putting you back into my feed. For some of us, the blog is still a very living place.
It is so good to hear your voice again.

10:00 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

oh, ms. moon, I thought of you as I started this again. I love your writing. and yes, I still read yours all the time. thank you. Brave? I dunno... bossy? maybe...

10:13 AM  
Anonymous Donald said...

Good to have you writing again!

10:36 AM  
Anonymous Mike Rogers said...

Your writing and perspective are such a gift, I'm glad you are back here posting!

12:32 PM  
Blogger 8thday said...

Welcome back. I look forward to reading about your next chapters.

3:15 PM  
Blogger Suzy said...

Welcome back writer friend how I have missed your blog.

11:43 PM  
Blogger Marianne said...

Welcome back. Looking forward reading more!

2:21 PM  

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