Friday, August 11, 2006

I Know the Feeling

I can’t believe I’m having another baby. In another two months or so, a new baby is going to enter my life. I feel fine, no bloating, no constant need to pee, no swollen ankles or raging hormones. I’m not tired, and I’m wearing all my regular clothes. It’s very strange, this pregnancy. And yet, after all the screaming and pushing is over, I’ll have another beautiful baby in my family. When I sat down and started filling out the birth class information, even though I’ve been through two pretty successful births (they came out and everyone lived- I think that’s pretty successful), I was at a loss for how to answer “Is this your first birth?” I finally scribbled “Kinda.”

You see, it’s my partner’s turn. And while straight new parents-to-be may discuss how to divide the workload equitably, most don’t get the opportunity to decide who will birth the baby. We did. I had the first two, and she’s having the last one. After all, I’m 37 now, and she’s only 34, and we did want one more baby. More than that, we both wanted to be pregnant, to go through the experience, to give birth to a child. Most of my straight friends shake their heads in envy. “I’d have two more if I didn’t have to be pregnant!” I mean, let’s face it, being pregnant, and taking care of other children is hard. “I’d have him have one just so he would know how it feels!” I do know how it feels. But now, so does my partner. The shoe is really on the other foot.

This became clear to me when my partner, in her first trimester, was complaining about how sick she felt. I agreed wholeheartedly. I could do more than imagine having morning sickness, trying to equate having the flu with the nausea of raging hormones. I was that sick, too. She shook her head, “No, you were just a little lightheaded- I’m really sick.” And there it was. A unconscious confession- she really didn’t think I was all that sick. She was sweet to me when I had morning sickness, very supportive, held my head, brought me ginger ale, but never really got it. Then, in true pregnancy induced dementia, was sure that she really really felt bad, the worse than any other woman alive could ever have felt, and could she have her pasta, no sauce, salad, no dressing and peanut butter toast now, please, before the next wave of nausea hits.

As the pregnancy has progressed, I’ve come to realize that while I do have a wealth of experience, her pregnancy really is unique to her. I’m not the one having the baby. This became very clear when we went to our first birth class. I went in, questioning whether or not we needed to go to one at all, and left in awe of my new role. I am packer of the bag, holder of the stopwatch, organizer of arrangements for the kids, and head cheerleader. Suddenly, it hits home that I’m the spectator, not the event. I won’t be the one who will know when it’s time to go to the hospital, I won’t be the one who will have the undeniable need to push. It isn’t my body.

That’s the hard part, the great part, the difficult part, the wonderful part. I watch this wonderful belly emerge, grow and move, and I know exactly how it feels to learn my baby’s rhythm by it’s movements. This one, this time, I’m the one watching. At night, spooned together, I feel the baby kicking against my back, and it’s wonderfully reminiciant and totally different. I get one little faint kick, and my partner get’s the bladder bouncing, lung squishing complete effect.

I worry, secretely, that I won’t have the same feelings for this baby as I did the ones who entered the world through me. It’s hard not to. When I watch my partner, though, with our two kids, I know better. The bond between them comes from endless sleepless nights, skinned knees and angry words. It comes from the day in and day out of life, their shared experience. Blood is a connection, but it isn’t the only connection. Giving birth doesn’t guarantee a good relationship. I know she couldn’t love them more. My worries quiet, and once again I marvel at the new life growing right before my eyes.

I have a new role this time. It will be challenging, different, new. I’ll surely struggle with it, talk about it, grow into it. I’m prepared, because, after all, I am a parent. It’s what I do every day.

4 Comments:

Blogger Gege Dai said...

marc jacobs sale
polo pas cher
los angeles clippers jerseys
ferragamo shoes
saints jerseys
tommy hilfiger uk
new york knicks
ed hardy clothing
nike trainers
falcons jersey
new orleans saints jersey
carolina jerseys
jordan 4
boston celtics
nike free 5
salomon shoes sale
giants jersey
buffalo bills jerseys
houston texans jerseys
mizuno running shoes
instyler
mac cosmetics
jets jersey
chiefs jersey
valentino outlet
air max 2014
golden state warriors jersey
abercrombie and fitch
arizona cardinals jerseys
san diego chargers jerseys
tennessee titans jersey
cleveland browns jersey
boston celtics jerseys
pittsburgh steelers jersey
nike outlet
linyuan0516

11:33 PM  
Blogger Zheng junxai5 said...

zhengjx20160615
oakley sunglasses
jordan 11
ralph lauren outlet
ralph lauren outlet
adidas superstar trainers
air max 95
tiffany and co
coach factory outlet
true religion outlet online
coach outlet
louis vuitton outlet stores
ghd hair straighteners
louis vuitton outlet
cheap oakley sunglasses
ralph lauren sale
michael kors outlet online sale
true religion outlet store
michael kors outlet clearance
burberry outlet
louis vuitton
coach outlet
giuseppe zanotti outlet
timberland boots
pandora jewelry
louis vuitton bags
cheap oakleys
coach outlet canada
lebron james shoes 13
fitflop clearance
adidas factory outlet
ralph lauren outlet
longchamp handbags
michael kors outlet online
polo ralph lauren outlet
coach outlet store online clearances
oakley canada
ralph lauren
retro 11
kd 7 shoes
ray ban outlet

10:49 PM  
Blogger 柯云 said...

2016-07-12keyun
cheap ray ban sunglasses
christian louboutin shoes
coach factory outlet online
louis vuitton bags
louis vuitton outlet
reb christian louboutin
louis vuitton outlet
coach outlet
kate spade outlet
adidas trainers
coach outlet online
jordan 11
louis vuitton handbags
ray bans
jordan 3 retro
longchamp handbags
cheap air jordans
adidas yeezy
coach outlet
tory burch flats
adidas yeezy
michael kors outlet online
coach outlet
polo ralph lauren outlet
michael kors canada outlet
ralph lauren clearance outlet
jordan retro 11
michael kors outlet online
michael kors outlet clearance
coach outlet online
toms shoes outlet
hollister clothing store
cheap oakley sunglasses
polo outlet
cheap oakley sunglasses
ralph lauren sale
nike roshe shoes
adidas nmd
michael kors outlet

10:27 PM  
Blogger Mie Helal said...


I like all of the points you have made
http://www.kuwait.prokr.net/
http://www.emirates.prokr.net/

6:07 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home