Sunday, August 03, 2008

Ready, Willing and Able

Jake arrives today! I can’t wait to see him. I know, and I’ve said it before, when Jake no longer wants to sit in my lap and snuggle, I’m going to need a puppy.

We had dinner at Donald’s last night. He thought it didn’t come out right but the rest of us thought it was delicious. A great paella, grilled zucchini slices with just a little olive oil and cheese melted on top, and a fabulous blueberry dessert- we are in Maine after all.

I was warned that even though it seems like those blueberry fields go forever and no one would miss a little scoop, to stay off the fields. Unless I want to get shot. Or have my house burned down.

As we drove back and dodged a few porcupines taking their nightly jaunt on the side of the road, we came up to the big blueberry field near our house. It was foggy, wet, and the car lights made all the ripe berries look shiny white. It was surreal to see.

One more touch will make this place doable for Jeanine. She is a little cranky this morning about having to drive to a spot where the internet connection via card works well. So cranky she yelled at me on our last morning alone together. As if I am the one who brought the fog in… please. I’m not THAT much of a narcissist.

Our week alone has been great. I will not mention what we’ve been doing because it will pass the Weezie meter. I can only say I am very sad she’s leaving tonight after dinner to drive back to Boston.

I realize this is a place for me. I will be here for the next week with some friends, Allan, Jake. The solitude, quiet and ocean sounds are like turning a tap open and I cannot help but write.

Jeanine is more of an urban gal. She relaxes when surrounded by the certainty of work done, her online classes up to date and long, hot showers are a given.

We have come a long way, the two of us. Eighteen years. As she said once to me, when we were in the worst year of all, marriage is like wine. Not every year is good. Sometimes you have to wait to enjoy it. Young wines are full of fruit but lack any layers.

It’s true. We are a layered pair, the two of us.

We’ve shifted into a very good year. A time to open and enjoy. A time to be at peace. The next stage of our lives, as our kids grow more and more independent, is our next challenge. Being able to connect without the pitter pat of little feet, or little league baseball games, or the daily routine of getting the kids out the door.

A few more years of transition. For now, Jake is still only eight years old and coming home from his camp. Our boys are still deeply rooted in our every thought.

It is nice to know we can weather our foundation swept away and come out stronger than before. There is comfort in where we’ve been, although I hope we never go through it again. We didn’t end up divorced, although I was certain we would. As we fought and pushed, and hurt each other to the core, the one piece we both refused to give up the dream of our family.

People end up divorced and it is the right thing. I cannot imagine my life had my father been in the home, day and night. There are times trust is frayed beyond repair, no matter how hard you try to mold the edges back together, they come apart in a moment of inattention. Or when mental cruelty thrown back and forth like a medicine ball leaves you unable to focus on anything else, lest you end up flat on the floor from the impact.

We were lucky. Not better or more in love or more capable. Simply lucky that it didn’t go too far.

As we get ready to see Jake and crew in a few hours, I want to sit quietly with Jeanine on the porch. Listen to the waves. I am so grateful, not to God, or the fates, or any celestial source, but for the willingness we both had to do the hard work to get to the other side. Not everyone does. Not everyone should.

I can’t wait for Jake to get here. I miss him. It has, however, been a delicious week alone with my wife.

The best part? I believe, again, we are ready, willing and able to grow old together.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

As usual a wonderful post, you write so beautifully and I always feel lucky that I get to read it... the risk of starting a war.....

I just really cannot understand, when you are so grateful, all you can say is that you are "grateful to a willingness", well I can't see the post right now, so forgive me if it is not a direct quote.....

but the point being, when you are in that place, why can't you see that there is something bigger than you out there, that you need to give thanks too.....whatever it may be. And I understand if the whatever can't be God, but....

The beauty you see off of your porch and the fact that you and J are doing well are not coincidinces (and yeah I can't spell either) There is a power greater than you that had a hand in all this.....

A very famous saying may be "Sh*t happens", but I for one do not really believe that. Just the beauty of this world alone tells me there is something bigger out there, in control of it all.

Let the word war begin

Your Seester:)

12:36 PM  
Blogger Ms. Moon said...

I say- there is a lot of wisdom in that post. Hard and well-earned wisdom.

2:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beautiful. I can't come up with anything better to say than that.

6:07 PM  
Anonymous donald said...

glad the fog lifted, the rains stopped, and you and jeanine were able to have some quality time together. i never get to spend as much time with her as i would like.

thanks for dinner tonight, and the rousing game of simpson clue! i think it was bart, in the frying dutchman with the poison donut...

glad you could make it over last night. you know me, i am never totally happy with the stuff i make. but it certainly was a good time, at least what i remember! guess i won't be able to use the ride home from hugo's much longer! to bad the straight guys imagination was better than the story!

10:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a courageous way to live. To believe that there is nothing bigger than our hearts and minds. To not have the god crutch to blame when things are tough, or to praise when things are great. To take responsibility for our lives. It takes a strong consciousness to live without the god delusion. There is a pain in the not knowing the answers. But the real truth is the I don't know. I feel sad for those that need to believe there is something bigger than living. Religion is the biggest mind control game out there. It takes away our ability to wonder, to ask questions. Religion offers answers to those to insecure to stay inside the question.

10:53 AM  
Blogger Suzy said...

The comment about not using god as a crutch etc. WOW. Thank you very amazingly put. Should I send it to Julie lol.

11:32 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

I didn't write that part about the notion of a god being a crutch... I think personally, it is about power in who you are rather than gving it up.

spent too many years of my life giving up power. time to own it.

3:16 PM  
Blogger Sue J said...

I think personally, it is about power in who you are rather than giving it up.

Well said, Sara.

7:22 PM  
Blogger Bob said...

Maybe happiness happens when you're doing and thinking about other things.

Even talking about things you're probably aware don't *belong* in thinking about life and joy.

I'm sure you aren't thrilled with the state of Jake's underwear and socks.But, as I would think myself until my boys became too huge, isn't their *size* a truly marvelous thing that life and love give us?

8:42 PM  

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