Time for Change
This past week was the one time of the year when all three boys are at camp. No one to take care of, no one to drive around, no one to tell to get off the computer, please, and go outside.
It is a glorious week.
Ben comes home today, and I'm hauling him up to Downeast, or Amish country as he calls it. He can be as miserable as he wants- or not. Personally, I have a book idea that is fun, goofy and I'm going to see if it makes sense by starting in on it. It will incorporate a lot of what I've been doing the last few months, in a fictional way.
Fiction- the way to save yourself from getting sued.
I am feeling that I'm at a crossroad again. Do I continue with the kind of work I've been doing or do I change course, and try something new.
Or go back to the old. I miss writing. I miss it a lot. I almost can't remember how to start a story anymore. I'm going to try- might not get anywhere.
Lately, I've had a fear of my email inbox. Always something that isn't good coming up. Or another request for time, or money, or both. Along with patience, this life's lesson is about saying No.
Graciously, of course.
I yearned for so many years to be "good enough" in the eyes of my mother. That what my work was meant something. I had no right to say no- it was my responsibility. Now I've met the President of the United States, the Governor of my state knows my name, and I'm often involved in work that leaves me in high levels of decision making.
All good, right? And it is. I feel incredibly grateful for the opportunities I've been given.
Then I look at my kids. Ben is 14- almost 15 years old. He'll be leaving home sooner than I realize. The truth is, I have 8 more years with my kids- Jake's only 10. This part of my life will be over.
I do not want to have regrets. Was I too stressed out for months on end to spend time with them? Yes. Did I say yes too many times that adversely effected them? Yes.
Along the way, I've made some great connections with people. I don't regret it but I also have to wonder what my reasons are- at almost 50 years old, it seems like it might be time to drop the need for outside approval of my worthiness to live in this world.
I had a dream last night that I was stuck in Afghanistan with Jake. We were desperately trying to get out of the country, and there was fighting all around us. At one point, I told him that we were going to leave all the stuff we had behind- none of it mattered. We just needed to get out.
Perhaps it's time to leave all the stuff behind- it's time to get out.
The one conversation I keep having with my sister about her cancer is that you never know. You simply never know when the other shoe will drop. No oncologist in the world will tell you a timeline. We decide how to live every day.
It's really the only thing we have any control over.
The only thing that keeps ringing through my head is simplify. Action, drama, movement is all a rush - until it isn't. And then you're stuck on the rollercoaster with no way off until someone else pulls the switch.
It's been my favorite mode of living, it seems, for a long time. It's time to change.