Guest post: Having a gay sister - A look from a Hetero sister’s point of view

by Toni Espey

I was pretty surprised when Sara asked me to write a blog for her while she and the family are in Costa Rica. You see, Sara is my sister-in-law and I am on the opposite side of almost any issue we can discuss. So, what does a conservative married mother of three write in a lesbian blog? How about what it looks like from my side of the road.

I can’t tell if someone is or isn’t gay. I have no internal gaydar. I found out that my sister was gay from my husband. He told me she was gay and I didn’t believe him. Finding out about my sister’s lifestyle didn’t change what I thought of my sister, it was just another part of her to add to the rest of her. I see her as a fantastic musician. She is going to change the world someday and it will be through her music.

We grew up in a house where differences in people were just another part of that person. That is a lesson our parents taught us. Our father was an intelligent man who told his three daughters that they can be anything they want to be. I remember when Jeani (we call her Jeani, not Jeanine like the rest of her friends!) flew down to tell dad that she was gay. Sara was pregnant with their first child Ben, and she gave Jeani orders not to come home until her father knew that they were having a baby.

I told dad that Jeani was coming down to tell him something. He told me that he knew what she wanted to tell him and he had known for a long time. He was just waiting for her to feel comfortable enough to tell him in her own time. His only concern was the possibility that others would not be as understanding. He wanted to protect her from getting hurt.

There were a lot of things I had to learn once Jeani came out..... I had no idea what an upside down pink triangle was or what other meaning a rainbow had. I found out about the rainbow when Sara was visiting and we were out on a boat. She said,” There are some “sisters” on that boat over there.” I thought she was talking about real blood sisters. I didn’t realize that the rainbow sticker on their boat meant anything special. I was so proud of myself this summer when I found out what a “lipstick lesbian” was. Jeani & Sara just laughed at me and told me that I was about 10 years behind the times with that one.

I must admit, Sara’s wedding to our sister was by far the fanciest and most memorable wedding our family has ever been a part of. It started with the rehearsal dinner. We had a very diverse group of people in one house. The Midwest Mexican contingency, the more quiet and refined family from New York & the friends in the gay & lesbian community were there...we were all walking around a very crowded home smiling and making small talk with each other. There was a little tension in the air at the beginning......Leave it to my brother-in-law to break the ice for everyone! He loaded his CD on the player & belted out his famous song, “I’m the Highway Patrol!” Well, everyone started laughing and talking, and one of the gay friends said, “Well, if he can do his song, so can we!” That’s the first time I’ve heard and seen the, “Must Be Santa!” routine. Such an impromptu dance that was executed with no mistakes! I had no idea that gay men could dance so well! They put us all to shame at the reception too!

Joking aside, I believe that most people are like me, they spend most of their time living their own lives. They are not out there to make others feel inferior about their sexual orientation. We are sensitive to gay issues; it’s just not part of our everyday life. So, if you feel like I don’t care or you think I’m treating you unfair, look again. Maybe I’m not thinking of your being gay at all. I may be thinking of my latest work problem or I may be mad at my kids for not cleaning their rooms. Life is complicated with or without a gay sister....

Having a lesbian sister has brought gay issues closer to home, but she is still just my sister. Her boys are my nephews and my children’s cousins. I treat my sister’s family the same as the rest of the family. I tease them as much as possible. There is no difference. I love them just the same. Sara is my sister-in-law; she’s part of our family and will get no special treatment from me on the tennis court! She is still our “ferocious otter” and if any of you had seen her play you would agree with me!

There are a lot of things you can pick in your life, but family is picked for you. My sister is a musician. My sister is a computer geek. My sister is a giving person. My sister is gay. I wouldn’t have it any other way.