Right Or Happy?

We went to look at the house in JP. You must understand, when Jeanine and I look at a house, we are the bring the checkbook, hire the Uhaul kinda gals. We decide, quickly, if we like something and then make it happen.

I did not want to move. I do not want to move. I have a gorgeous lap pool, office area that I am in love with. The rest of the house... well, there's boogers stuck to the walls next to the kid's beds, streaks of hand prints down the staircase wall, doors loose from slamming... it's lived in, to say the least.

But I love my office.

Jeanine has, for all the years we've been together, always tried to get us back to Jamaica Plain, where she was living when I met her. She loves JP, as we call it around here, as much as I love my office.

My mode, when faced with something I am not happy about, is to put my foot down and say NO. No debate, no discussion, I pull out my entrenchment shoes and do not move. I don't listen, I don't consider, I simply say no. It comes from not being heard, being pushed into corners and fighting for my dignity as a kid. I get stony cold and simply stop discussing the topic.

This, as you might expect, has caused great problems in our relationship.

Today, I did something different. I was open to the discussion, although I had a fairly firm opinion. I knew that Jeanine has always felt the pull to JP, and here was a chance to look at a spectacular house.

There was not a single aspect to the house that was not wonderful, or did not perfectly fit our needs. Newly renovated, plenty of space and a separate carriage house for Jeanine's studio. Or for her mom if she wanted to come visit for an extended period. Or both.

Perfect.

I have always found it interesting the lack of connection Jeanine feels to the Newton community. I have been here 22 years and I love it. I volunteer to coach the kid's soccer team (not brave enough to take on the baseball crowd), I know the local stores and some of the staff that has been around for a while. When I walk down the street to pick up the kids at school, I wave and chat along the way to neighbors.

Newton, no question, is also losing some of it's soul to McMansion builders who will rip down old Tudor homes they bought for 2 million dollars and replace it with a monstrosity. Nothing to be done about it. As I went to coach my team yesterday, I could pick out three boys who are going to be very difficult- the attitude and privilege grate on my nerves.

I still love it here.

Jamaica Plain, on the other hand, is a funky, diverse section of Boston. It has an enormous LGBT community. There is a pond there where everyone walks and gathers. Great restaurants, public transportation- it's fun. when I worked down there, I always walked to the center, if to do nothing but get a cup of coffee, so I could soak up the life. No McMansions in JP. It is also where Walter and Allan live.

We went to the house. We both looked at each other on the way out, knowing it was perfect and stepped in our separate cars to drive home.

As I made my way, I thought, I have to be open to this. It really is a great house. It could be a great home for us. I could walk the dog around the pond everyday. Jeanine could take public transportation to work. We would be with our people. The kids would be close enough to walk to their dads' house.

I was ready to listen, not from a place of NO but a place of, okay, I can see this but I still have some issues with it.

When I finally made it home, Jeanine said, No. I don't want to move there. It's great, no question, but I want to make this house great like that. I want it to be ours, not someone else's idea of great.

I turned to the witness in the room and told her, she was there to hear this.

I also said, this is it. There isn't going to be a more perfect house- this is it for thinking about JP.

She agreed.

We'll talk tonight. I want to discuss it a bit more before we walk away- it really was that perfect. But I can't help but feel that being willing to consider something deeply important to Jeanine with an open heart made a huge difference. Instead of having to fight back, she could consider all the options.

Think about the entire reality, not just dig in her corner, ready to fight back.

All I keep thinking about was the question my therapist has repeatedly asked me...

Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy?

I wasn't right today. I was willing to listen.

And tonight? I'm happy.