Friday, September 22, 2006

Round and Brown

Middle children can be very quiet. Helpful and sweet. Mine has big, beautiful, blue eyes to go with a killer smile and gentle nature.

He’s also incredibly smart and sneaky.

Today, at a friend’s house after school, he, and his unnamed accomplice, had asked to play Star Wars Lego on the computer. Please????

The mom was putting away groceries. Okay. Sure, but just for a little while.

The boys are very sweet. Both nine years old, they are best of buds and generally are a delight together.

Not today.

They were not playing Star Wars Lego.

They were on an X-rated web site. Round. And Brown. Dot com.

Oh. My.

The mom caught them because they were being quiet. Don’t kids know when they are being quiet, all mothers everywhere instantly know something is VERY WRONG. I believe it’s part of the flight-or-fight response. The house could be burning down. A small animal or younger sibling could be being tortured. You simply know silence is to be feared.

She snagged them, even though they tried to quickly turn off the computer.

They professed their innocence. Said they were on a site about cars and suddenly naked booty was shaking all over the screen.


I had Ben walk Zachary home. Zach walks in the door, sullen.

Ben says I’m in big trouble.

Not big trouble, Zach but you have to come talk to me.

Big eye roll and heavy sigh. ANYTHING but talking. He once asked Jeanine to spank him instead of having to talk. Nope. You’re talking, bud. Perhaps that is the worst part of having lesbian mothers. We process. A lot.

Zachary, want to tell me what happened?

We were just looking at eBay cars…

And then?

And then it just came up on the screen.

Do you know I can see everywhere you’ve ever been on the computer?

Defiant, he is quick to answer. Not if you clear the history.

Told you he was smart. And sneaky.

You know mom and I used to work in computers, right?

We did, in fact, spend many years working in the software industry.

He nodded slowly.

We know how to see where you’ve been even if you’ve cleared the history.

Yes, we could pull up the cache and see what’s in it but I’m really pulling the ol’ eyes in the back of my head trick. My mother did it. She’d simply guess I had done something wrong and state it as fact. I always confessed, certain she had supernatural powers. It’s in the mothering 101 manual no one ever gave us, along with a long section on how much giving birth really hurts.



Okay, so [his friend] clicked on the site and then we clicked on the page that said do not enter and then…

He buries his head in his hands. Oh, god, he must be thinking. I have to tell my mother what I saw?

Honey, that’s fine. And I understand it was a lot to see. Maybe a little scary. Confusing.

He looks at me through his hands. This lady is baked, he’s thinking.

Maybe a little exciting?

Head back in his hands.

How did it feel?


Yeah, well, that’s because you were watching grown up stuff and you’re nine. It’s gonna feel weird. I bet it made your body feel weird.


Listen, we got you those books, It’s Amazing and It’s Perfectly Normal because they’re just right for you. They are written for someone your age, and c’mon now, they have naked bodies in them to check out.

Yeah, [his friend] wants to borrow those.

I bet he does, I think to myself.

I’ll talk to his mom about those books. You see, we want to know where you’re getting your information about sex and to have it be safe. And something you can understand.

The boy is silent. He knows the importance of the 5th Amendment.

Please come to me and ask about this stuff?

Dead stare.

Or ask Walter or Allan, just please talk to one of us, okay?


Once again, Walter gets to be the penis advisor. THANK YOU WALTER. I want my kids to have great sex lives. I do not want to hear about it. Ever.

Am I in trouble?

No, honey. Just promise me you won’t go to one of those sites again. It’s for people who are 21 or older. You’re not. Don’t be in such a hurry to see stuff you’re really not ready for, okay?

Got it, he nods and quickly gets up to leave the room.

On one hand, they knew they were wrong and knew they were not allowed to view it. Nothing wrong with naked people. I'd rather they get their Sex Ed from the books we've bought, our discussions, the school programs- pretty much anywhere but an internet porn site.

That’s for me. I am a firm believer in continuing education.

On the other, it's our responsibility to keep it as unavailable as possible. All computers are going to be locked. We have always had their computer in the family room with it’s screen in full view.

Middle kids. I’m telling you. Sneaky. Sweet.

Zach, I said to him as he was leaving the room, I know when you’re lying to me.

No you don’t, he said confidently.

Oh, yes, I do.

The blue eyes twinkled.

Okay, mom.

I am in such trouble.


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