Sunday, July 22, 2007

Another Mountain

All the company is gone, we dropped off Zachary at camp and the house is quiet.

Well, Ben is practicing the clarinet. Mostly quiet.

I’m exhausted. I feel tired to my bones right now. I remember being this tired right after my mother died. It was like someone had pulled the plug and there was no more juice to run the show.

There has been another huge shift in my world. I finally finished climbing a mountain, and was enjoying the beautiful valley. I found out I have another mountain to climb.

Today, however, I am sitting in the quiet. Thinking about how Zachary walked into his cabin, picked a bed and proceeded to let us put the sheets on, blanket, before encouraging us to leave. Go.

For a moment, when we were walking down the road to the cabin, I saw his face blanch. The moment had finally arrived. Camp was starting. I put my hand on his shoulder and said, Hey, it’s okay. Look, remember that building?

And Jeanine pointed out another- Isn’t that where the counselors hang out?

Color returned to his face. He walked a little quicker.

It was an older cabin and his trunk did not fit under the bed. I wanted to fix it, figure it out, and set up his space. He wanted us to leave.

We left. I managed a hug and kiss first.

I did not cry. I wanted to but I did not.

The whole drive home, I thought about the mountain looming in front of me. I can’t… I can’t do it. over and over, I tried to imagine coming up with the energy.

Over and over.

It made me realize how emotionally empty I am right now. I was so looking forward to a summer to replenish me, recharge, renew. It’s been a long, long year.

It’s not going to happen.

The breeze coming through the window is just cool enough. Someone is mowing their lawn. Ben came in and played “Hot Cross Buns” for me. Jake is reading. Zachary is at his camp at his first meal.

I bet it will be Chicken Parmesan, he said to us on the way. That’s what we had last year.

All my kids are settled and calm. They have the ground firmly underneath them. I look ahead at this mountain and I know it will rock their worlds. The thought is devastating to me. I can’t do this to them.

I can’t stop it either.

I have another mountain to climb. I don’t think I can do it.

All I want is to stand in the valley.


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