Sunday, July 31, 2011

Meet Baby

I know you all think I'm miserably depressed all the time, and mostly that's true but I do still know how to laugh.

While Zachary and Jake were away on a road trip, I sent them pictures on their phones. Any time I saw a "punch buggy" I sent it to Jake and said, Punch yourself.

He would promptly punch Zachary.

I had found Zachary's "Baby" in the Ogunquit house. It was a gift from a good friend of mine and Zachary did love Baby. That is, when he was a baby. Poor Baby ended up on top of the refrigerator, long forgotten. Until I got Baby, dusted her off and took her on adventures.

Meet Baby.

Now, Baby did get a little annoyed while sitting on the refrigerator for so long.

If you mess with Baby, she will give you the finger.

Baby likes cake.

Baby says, Nom, nom, chocolate cake. All mine.

Baby says, Where's my pina colada???

Baby says, This game sucks. Now I have sand in my butt.

Oh, Baby has had many more adventures. I'm trying to figure out how to create a facebook page for baby. Oddly, they won't let me use the name "Baby."

Baby doesn't like that very much.

And you don't get Baby mad.

Stay tuned for more adventures. Hey, it's summer, it's hot and I have way too much free time on my hands.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Happy Birthday

In the last two weeks, I have had two separate, intense moments where I felt my sister's presence in a big way.

The day of Ben's graduation from Outward Bound- which by the way he graduated with honors and yes, I am beyond proud of him- I woke up in the morning, checked my email and there was one from my sister.

Um, I canceled her account a while ago.

It was spam, and something someone sent because they generated random email addresses. But on the day of Ben's graduation? I know how proud she would have been of him. I know how close they were.

Just chance, I thought. Little weird but... just chance.


Yesterday was my sister's birthday. I had remembered in the morning, but I have to be honest, other drama was pressing and it slipped my mind. I was taking Ben- as a graduation present- to Rihanna with his pals. Big fun, we were dancing, having a blast... and my sister's best friend called me.

I was immediately brought back to the fact that it was her birthday. I started to cry, cry hard. My sister... I miss her. I could hear her making fun of me dancing, making fun of Ben playfully, all with a giant smile on her face.

Oh, Cathy. I wish you were there.

I called her friend back this morning. She said to me, I know this is strange but... do you have an envelope for me?

She came to me in a dream and said she had an envelope.

I was stunned. I did have an envelope for her. I found an addressed envelope in Cathy's storage locker the other day. I had held onto it because I wanted to tell her first.

It's a little strange to get a letter from someone who is dead.

Or email.

How could she have known? She lives in Upstate New York. I hadn't told anyone.

The email? Sure, that could have simply been a coincidence. The envelope?

No way.

Okay, Cathy. I get it. I hear you. I know what you're saying.

I want you to know, Ben's doing great. Jake and Zachary talk about you all the time. We all hold you close to our hearts. They all still think they can say something really inappropriate by saying first, "Aunt Cathy would say..."

I miss you. Happy birthday.

Monday, July 04, 2011

First Few Steps and Many More to Go

Last week? I dove in. It was hard, but I found myself in a surprising calm. I don't know what is coming next, and for once? That's okay. I can't possibly know. Struggling with it only keeps me from the moment.

I do know I have three great kids. Zachary and Jake have been off visiting cousins. It is a great tradition with Jeanine's family. Ben is on a journey. Outward Bound for 28 days, and I will only say I am hopeful for him, and miss him terribly.

I even watched Mob Wives the other night. Well, I watched for about ten minutes and thought, why does he like this?

In a few hours, Zachary and Jake will be back. I can't wait to see them.

What I learned in my week alone is that I'm never really alone. I have kids and friends. I have family, although not family of origin, I still have family. Loneliness is not fun but also not impossible to sit with.

I went and had my tarot cards read in Ogunquit. A beautiful woman of about 70 sat me down and placed the cards on the table. She told me my job would change, that I've done the work of a man and of a woman, and that I suffered a great loss.

She said, Now? You need to stay away from women. You left someone... yes?


You loved her very much. But... you need nine months. You need to be whole. You are not. You never have been, that's why it doesn't work.

You will change where you live but no moving... (she shook her finger at me) No moving.

You give too much. You are kind and generous, but you give too much. You have always been old. Never young. I can see you were never a child.

Nine months. What you seek is inside you- not in someone else. No one can give it to you.

I know. I know that everything she said was true. She also said I look mean but am a big softie.

I didn't think I looked mean. Yikes.

I held, close, the reality that no matter what I did, my sister would have been unhappy. It wasn't my job to fix her. I couldn't. It's not my job to fix anyone. A piece of guilt wedged in my chest grew smaller. As it did, I had more room to simply feel the loss.

I realized I've held on to her things because I haven't wanted to let go of her. The things end up being weights, and I toss and turn in anxiety about what to do with them. They are only things. It's time to let them go.

I know that when they are all gone? I will have more room for the love and sorrow.

The tarot card lady was right. I need to be whole. I've taken the first few steps. I know I have a long road ahead.

After last week? I can say without hesitation, I am not afraid.