Sunday, September 10, 2006

Nancy's Gift

Tomorrow is my first day of work.

I can’t wait.

My office is clean. I have no more sorting or filing. Everything is ready.

While I was cleaning out my desk last week, I found a letter from my friend Nancy. She wrote it seven years ago after being diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Four years ago, she died. She was a delightful spirit, with sparkling eyes, always looking as if she could burst into laughter or song at a moment’s notice, even when she was so sick. In her letter, she wrote about how she saw me, the way in which she delighted in knowing me. She wrote extensively about her belief in me- I did not understand it at the time. She said she wanted to give me a gift.

“The gift is: use your noggin to the highest level of consciousness, not only to create your life, but to enhance your children’s lives and by daily example of who you are, enhance others around you. You’re loaded with insights and wisdom, compassion and empathy… You are an old soul being asked to push away boundaries of beliefs in regard to relationships. Trust in your ability.”

She reached into my messy desk and plunked her letter back down for me to read again. I would not have gone through those piles without the time. I had long forgotten about it. Nancy believed in spirit guides, something I thought was nonsense but acknowledged as a possibility. It was hard not to respect her thoughts because when she held something, she held it deeply. You’ll believe someday, she said smiling, with those eyes I could not resist.

Now, maybe, I do a little. I have a feeling she’s standing with me right now. Encouraging me to believe in myself. And maybe break out into song, if the mood strikes. To lighten up and remember I am alive. She is not. If we are to lose people so young, we owe it to them to live- not perfectly, not without mistakes- but without regret.

So, Nancy, it’s time for me to grow. To grow beyond the level I have reached, to not be satisfied with what I have done, but to think about what I can do next. It's time for me to use my noggin, as you said, and to push boundaries.

If I am to serve as a scapegoat in my family, I will do it with as much dignity and composure as possible. I resolve to never again entrust my self-esteem with someone who doesn’t appreciate or know me. I will not invest so much of myself for so little in return.

Leaving my job was the right thing at the right time. The experience has been exhausting, emotionally, but well worth it. I am proud of what I accomplished. I learned a great deal about myself. It was a personally gratifying place where I pushed my previous limits.

I will trust my intuition you respected so deeply.

Thank you, Nancy. What an amazing gift. Your letter will sit on my desk. And, spirit guide or not, you will be standing with me.


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