Needs

What do you need, a friend asked me last night.

I don’t know, I said.

You know, she pushed, you do know.

I do.

I need to have people reach out to me. I’m finding it hard to reach out on my own. I am so scared right now. I feel the fear starting to become global, which makes me want to hide. Escape. I need to held so I do not run away.

I need to run, every day. It’s not just about getting my serotonin levels up; it’s about feeling strong. Being able to run five miles makes me feel strong at a time I feel unable to carry anything more emotionally.

I need to walk my dog out in the woods. The woods are safe for me. They have always been safe for me. And I need to come back. I cannot run to my old, familiar hideouts. I need to deal with my grief, my fear, and my rage. Now.

I need to keep from hitting the bottom of the emotional barrel. I have three kids who need me, every day. I cannot care for anyone other than them right now.

And I know I need to go sit with my mother.

I will hold her.

I will sing for her.