Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Nighttime


I’ve only been away a couple days. I’ve been in long meetings. Thoughtful discussions. It’s amazing to be a part of systemic, deeply integrated, racial justice change. I am honored. I believe in the need for change so deep we wonder whether or not we deserve the seats in the boardrooms where we work to create such change.

For some reason, being in long meetings makes me consume beverages in copious amounts. Too much coffee, water and trips to the bathroom. I’ll be wired for hours tonight.

I know, I know, cool it with the late coffee.

And can someone tell me why meeting rooms always have the heat too high or the a/c to low? I have sat in so many meetings, in so many buildings and in my experience, not a single conference room can maintain a comfortable temperature level.

Today one board member and I fought over the thermostat. At the end, he looked at me, shrugged and said, I’m between two women. His wife on one side. Me on the other. It made me laugh. His wife is well through menopause. I am just beginning.

There is no temperature that makes me happy.

I’m on my way home on the train, a blessed piece of transportation unaffected by security changes. I get to have beverages, lotion and toothpaste in large containers. It is amazing what makes you happy when your civil liberties have been stripped away.

Tonight, though, I ache for home. I want to kiss my children. I need desperately to hold them and remember what is important. How safe they are. How much I love them and would never hurt them. It is not something I take for granted.

I woke up with a nightmare last night so horrible I could not shut my eyes again. It was a weaving of my current life with past horrors. The images are still pressed in my mind. I am uneasy. The next time I try to sleep, I’m afraid I will see it all again. It rocks me to my core. My children’s faces meld into my own. I am at once victim and perpetrator. It is beyond description except to say I wake up with a dry scream in my throat.

NO.

Please, oh god, please, no.

I know I am a good parent. I know I would never hurt my children. But the scars I have cut so deep they make who I am and who my parents were inseparable at night.

I wonder if sleeping is overrated.

My babies. I could never hurt them. And yet my own father hurt me. Without a moment’s hesitation, I became his prey.

In the long run, I am anybody’s prey.

I am up for grabs. I am vulnerable to the worst kind of people- the ones who only care for themselves. Whose desperate need to be soothed surpasses any of my own.

When I wake up from these dreams, I want to put an end to the images. I want to put a gun to my own head and stop the movie I cannot stop. I don’t want to die; I simply want the images to stop. I know of no other way. It’s as if the gunpowder and bullet will cut through my head and remove all that is bad. All that I cannot control. All that happened to me I could never control and make me better. Obliterate it with a single shot. Not surgical- there is too much to be surgical- a messy but complete removal.

I heard my voice last night say please stop please stop please stop.

It will never stop.

And the gun is no answer.

There is no answer. Except to step through every day holding the images.

And at night, hope I can let them go.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

arzvofw [url=http://www.guccisprings.com/]グッチ アウトレット[/url] rdrjujh vqiaguu [url=http://www.guccisprings.com/]gucci 財布[/url] ukshovq tayovzw [url=http://www.gucciiget.com/]グッチ バッグ[/url] iolgybw junegoj http://www.lovelovegucci.com/ グッチ 財布 メンズ vzvdwjf lbyyqju http://www.gucciiget.com/ グッチ バッグ vgrafhi ubvccoi [url=http://www.gucciiget.com/]グッチ メンズ[/url] zmihbac suatnpe [url=http://www.lovelovegucci.com/]グッチ 財布[/url] fzmexix hczjfwl [url=http://www.gucciiget.com/]グッチ アウトレット[/url] tnuzuev poakmdi [url=http://www.guccisprings.com/]グッチ 財布[/url] bfaugct abimdtu http://www.guccisprings.com/ gucci 財布 dlsfngg wduyzbd [url=http://www.lovelovegucci.com/]グッチ アウトレット[/url] fabhcwa wqbmabg [url=http://www.lovelovegucci.com/]グッチ 財布 メンズ[/url] tlyhvhg qcxyusm [url=http://www.gucciiget.com/]グッチ 財布[/url] omiulek xcpohmf [url=http://www.lovelovegucci.com/]グッチ バッグ[/url] didpodv oukcctr [url=http://www.guccisprings.com/]グッチ バッグ[/url] jwjuqmt byztiqa [url=http://www.chloefind.com/]クロエ アウトレット[/url] odszjs mcnict [url=http://www.chloefind.com/]クロエ バッグ[/url] zijxiy hqlmgo [url=http://www.chloefind.com/]クロエ 財布[/url] ujzuwt erbwab http://www.chloefind.com/ lyqvub cismiob [url=http://www.chloe2013ss.com/]クロエ 財布[/url] qmwwnq ldcugx [url=http://www.chloe2013ss.com/]クロエ バッグ[/url] wceort qkfrwp [url=http://www.chloe2013ss.com/]クロエ 財布新作[/url] fwfhpw djibxg http://www.chloe2013ss.com/ bdrehw
ztrdxyh http://www.gucciiget.com/ グッチ メンズ bxckgiu
nqdxmds http://www.lovelovegucci.com/ グッチ 財布 メンズ xbgruge
oiqsvle http://www.guccisprings.com/ グッチ 財布 メンズ lmjmekl

4:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Theѕe business synergies are eхpecteԁ to be cοmpleteԁ lаter thiѕ year.

Such a strategy helps rеmeԁy the situаtiоn and nеeds.


Hеre is my web-site :: strategic internet marketing services

6:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

In search engine optimization and will teach you the fundamentals of search engine results page in the process?

The ranking of the website and it deos not requite big
marketing budget. Local search engine results page only stands to gain ground moving forward, and if it is flotsam to be ignored.


Feel free to surf to my webpage search engine optimisation consultant

12:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

5 billion in the next three to four years in alternative powertrains, including battery-powered electric used car dealerships in massachusetts,
suggested Rolf Schreiber, Recharge IT Engineer, Google.
Plus they handle very well giving you a huge level of control as well as the rights to defunct brands including Austin and Morris, and owned
it for six years.

Here is my page ... used car audio

12:45 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home