Saturday, November 18, 2006


The blanket of silence has descended on the house. Jeanine is furious with me for not continuing a conversation last night. I knew I had nothing to say that was going to be positive or helpful. I knew I needed to stop before I said things I regretted.

She is not talking to me.

I don’t really want to talk to her.

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant. I was not happy. It made me tired to look down at a full belly and know what was ahead. I knew I was pregnant to try and save my marriage.

No more babies. Chaos will not make this better. It’s not the answer.

It feels like a huge swing, in some ways. We were doing so well. Jeanine has made amazing changes. But I know we are finally back, full circle, to what has been a problem for our whole relationship. It is old and heavy, cement shoes holding us firm in our convictions.

We are at a stalemate.

I don’t really know what the answer is.


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