What do you deserve?

I realized something today.

I actually know stuff. Quite a lot of stuff.

I’m… smart.

To some people who know me, they will think I’m kidding about this.

I’m not.

I’m worth something. I deserve respect. Kindness. It’s not about needing it, not about wishing for it- I deserve it.

Anyone out there have a clue how big that is for me?

Probably not. Most people see my confidence, my bravado. They don’t understand how I move through the world as a little girl whose faith was ripped away. Whose hope was a moment of clinging to her mother’s legs in the kitchen. Fragile. Unpredictable.

Today, I feel like I deserve this life. I have hope.

It comes in waves. I move back and forth between wanting to close myself in the closet and pull the trigger. And feeling sheer joy that I made it through, I am alive. I have three great kids. Wonderful friends. Gifts beyond belief. I am blessed.

Today the wave is strong; it makes me feel ten feet tall.

Tomorrow, it may throw me to the surf, crushing the air out of my lungs.

I am trying to learn how not to react to the high or the low. To simply ride the wave. It curls under and eventually crushes itself. Only foam is left. And a tingling sound like champagne poured in a glass.

I can do this.