Clarity and Chaos

Breathe in clarity.

Exhale chaos.

My friend keeps telling me this.

Is it chaos to want to go back to work?

Breathe in clarity. Uh… okay, I’m bored breathing in already. I want to move, to do, and to have things happen. To be a part of a movement. To be a part of a group.

Exhale chaos.

I am a part of a group. I am a part of a movement. I am working every day. Being a mother and housewife is a job. A very real job. If I go back to work, another friend said to me yesterday, I better get someone to help around the house. Period. I get too freaked out about laundry not being done. Feeding the kids the right kind of food. Being sure they are picked up on time.

Breathe in clarity.

I’m in Baltimore for a conference. It is quiet and the snow is falling. Everything is blanketed with a fine covering of white. The harbor is still. The contrast of the dark water and white snow is stunning. I have a meeting to go to. I will be a little late. I am not needed desperately anywhere.

Exhale chaos.

Where do you draw the line? Is raising three boys enough? Will I rest at the end of my life feeling I have done something important? I have contributed to society in a valuable way? Is this simply about being good enough, yet one more time?

Breathe in clarity.

I miss work. I miss being a part of something greater than myself, working towards a social good. Being in a workplace, helping create an environment where there is no daily drudging with moments of excitement sprinkled in but rather a place where work engages, challenges. Where every day can be a dance.

Exhale chaos.

Every day can be a dance. It’s what I bring to it.