Tuesday, March 27, 2007

And She's Off...

I feel myself moving to that place again.

My friends are going to kill me.

The “I want to move, change, build, do something, anything” place.

It drives everyone nuts.

So instead?

I’m going to sit with it.

I’m going to be quiet in response. Listen to what’s behind the urge. Figure out where the anxiety is coming from so I don’t go blow a hole through my life. And my kids’ lives.

I had a friend say to me last night, Cheese instead of chocolate? I’m going to call you on that, if no one else will, I am. A camera at the restaurant?

I was being silly, to be sure but… to what end?

I realize it’s the drama queen in me. It’s a performance.

On the way back from New York on the train, I kept thinking, how do I achieve authenticity? Do I apply for an interesting job in New York City I saw advertised? Do I move my family to Jamaica Plain so my children aren’t basking in the white, privilege of Newton?

None of that feels very authentic.

What would slowing down look like?

One thought was to photograph all the meals we have as a family together. With essays to accompany them. Sometimes we have great discussions at dinner. We talk about the latest American Idol show, or the Red Sox. Occasionally, the boys’ giggle about who they have a ‘crush’ on, who they think the other has a crush on and the merciless teasing that goes with the admission ensues.

It’s authentic.

A bit pretentious, too. I mean, why would anyone care about my family? Is that the drama queen again?

Back to square one.

No, I’m not going to move, do, change anything right now. I’m resisting the lure of multiple emails to respond to by not signing on to my mail account except for twice a day. I’m not going to add any more meetings to my calendar. I’m not going to buy anything new, change anything major.

I will take pictures. I will write. I know those are two things that keep me present. Focused.

I will spend time with friends who know me and keep my mouth shut. I need to listen.

Somewhere in the middle of this storm rising inside me is calm. I know I can be calm. It goes against every fiber of my being, to be sure, but I am going to find it.


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