Power of words

I am slowly coming to recognize the power of words. My words. Written words. Spoken words.

Sounds silly, perhaps, because of my work, my writing, one would think I understand the power. But I don’t.

I ran a meeting today and had people thank me afterwards. Good meeting. Well run. It came naturally, so I am quick to dismiss any skill. I have a big mouth, I laugh.

But I don’t. The truth is, as loud as I can be, I hold a tremendous amount back. I do not share of myself easily. I am too afraid of what people will really think. Of my failure to be what I should have been. I am not good enough, smart enough, successful enough.

I often think I need to put on a show to be good enough. When I’m being myself and people say good job? I am completely surprised. I wasn’t’ trying. I wasn’t pretending. Why would they think that?

I read this quote the other day. It is me. It is my struggle. By Elan Golomb, from the book, “Trapped in the Mirror:”

“The narcissist who hopes to change through analytic psychotherapy will find that the treatment is not easy. The process must be arduous because it requires that she admit to human failings; that she recognize the need for other people, who have the choice to give or not to give (you cannot commandeer love). It means once more experiencing the feelings of being a helpless and manipulated child who sustained considerable damage at the hands of unloving parents. She will have to see the emptiness of a life compulsively controlled by the need for admiration and ostentatious achievement. The outcome of her struggle to uncover an authentic self will be the ability to lead an ordinary life, one with real joys and sorrows, not the fictitious pleasures of a mirrored image."

My words can be powerful, big, and brassy. The reality? I feel like a small girl trapped in a corner.

Where is the truth?

I want an authentic self. I want to be good enough. Being a mom. Being a writer. Being a wife. Nothing powerful.

Mostly? I want to be true. I want to make a difference. I want to be a good mother.

And I want peace.