Thursday, May 10, 2007

Cracked Under Pressure

What is happening to my culture?

Lesbians wear keens, one-piece Speedos and gym shorts in the summer. We don flannel in the spring and fall and winter and… summer, too. Lighter weight flannel.

When we get dressed up? It's generally in ill-fitting women’s suits with men’s button down shirts. And the same keen sandals. If it’s a black tie event? We pull out the Doc Marten’s.

Come on, you've all seen the wedding pictures. There's always one woman hiding in the back, attempting to look relaxed. It's one of the reasons I hated going to straight weddings. I'll just look like the big dyke in the back row who hasn't owned a dress since she was seven. Not only do I have to go to an event I can't legally have myself, I have to stuff myself into some ill fitting attempt to look feminine which will only make me look like... the big dyke in the back row trying to avoid being photographed.

I just got off the phone with a friend. A lesbian mom with two small children, she’s always struck me as someone who will go the extra mile and make sure the suit actually fits and may even own a pair of women’s shoes.

I explained I spent the day with Walter on the truck. I was hot, tired and covered with manure. I wanted to take a shower and put on my pajamas. I was not going to meet her at the event after all.

But I have on a skirt, she said.

I’ve seen you in a skirt before.

You have? I never wear skirts.

Yes I have... I think... you seem like you'd wear a loose, summery kind of skirt. Not a straight, business suit kind of skirt.

This is a business suit kind of skirt.

Really?

Yes. And I have on heels.

Heels?

Red heels.

Are you okay?

And I’m driving in a new mommievan.

Let me get this picture- you’re in heels…

Red ones

Red heels, and a skirt…

Black

A black business skirt and you are driving a mini van.

Yes.

She’s cracked under the pressure of suburbia. She’s spent too many hours around people dressed in Laura Ashley and Brooks Brothers. I can't even bear to ask if pearls are involved.

I’m afraid for my friend. The pressures of motherhood in the suburbs has turned her into someone who might someday show up at a little league baseball game with a pink sweater set and matching scarf tied around her neck.

Please, I said, have a martini.

She assured me she would.

If I ever get caught wearing a skirt, in heels, in a minivan and it’s not part of a drag routine? Cut my hair into a mullet and remove anything that isn’t flannel from my closet. Rush me to Provincetown for an infusion of gay culture.

Drastic measures for drastic times.

As for my friend… I have an intervention planned for Saturday afternoon. Stay tuned…

2 Comments:

Anonymous Googie baba said...

You should have seen my wife and I at our wedding. We both wore long white wedding dresses! I figured, I'm only getting married once, and who knows how long it will be legal. I am so wearing that dress.

10:51 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

I ended up buying three different outfits to wear. I couldn't decide.

none involved white, however.

I never expected to be so nervous.

7:17 AM  

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