Sunday, March 09, 2008

Dreams, Good and Bad

I find myself in a place that is almost beyond what I can hold.

I had a nightmare last night that a giant serpent came and ate my children, one by one. It was faster than me and I could not save my boys. I knew the were still alive inside the thing, and I frantically hunted it down.

The mouth and head were bigger than me, let alone the rest if it. It was dark green with scales and sharp teeth.

I finally found it and grabbed its ugly head, pulling with all my might to open the jaws.

I got them out, only to have them recaptured and to have to do it again and again.

Needless to say, I woke up exhausted.

The most curious part- or not curious at all- was my mother hounding me as I watched for the thing to show up again.

I was a bad mother. I let them in the water.

Now, truth be told, aside from my obvious flaw as a lesbian, my mother supported me as a parent.

Deeply. This isn't about her, but my own fear, doubt.

I am finding myself in places and corners of the world I only dreamed of achieving.

I'm terrified I will screw it up and lose the most important thing in the world to me.

My kids.

There is a balance I need to find- I won't give up the dream, the realization of what I thought was a fluttering hope of maybe some day might happen if I was a good girl.

I have to find a way to hold it without having my feet come off the ground.

I am entering a new stage of my life. My mothers voice rings true- there are some things you cannot lose track of.

And I am becoming aware of the fact that love and happiness are not distributed in finite quantities.

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Blogger Sue J said...

I think you kind of freaked us out with the intensity of this one ... but it was an awesome post.

7:57 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

LOL... I was wondering if I was too vague.

it was an intense weekend for me. I grew up a little bit more.

9:37 PM  

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