Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Getting Ready

I've been a bit of a mess lately.

Usually, I write pages and pages when I'm a mess. Instead, I've been getting ready for a big party this weekend. My 45th birthday.

We've done a lot of work on the house and it's all coming to a close in these last couple days. As my carpenter said, you have to have something going on to get all the loose ends finished.

He is so right.

And today, I sold my mother's condo. I'm not there, mind you, but went to the bank yesterday, covered in paint, and had different documents signed in the company of a notary. Witnesses.

The last of my mother is gone.

A friend has had her father in the hospital. He, too, has lived in the cloud of booze for so long she wondered if she's ever heard his voice clear.

Sober.

Until the other day, when he was days into the hospital after a surgery.

It reminded me of my mother, fresh out of the detox center in Syracuse, NY. Her doctor told her she had three months to live if she did not stop drinking.

He was wrong but at the time, she was frightened enough to stop.

I remember hearing her voice. It was like the haze had lifted and I could hear her as a ten year old, as a young adult- I could hear her. All of her. Parts I never knew before. She was kind. Gentle.

She was so scared.

I was touched. My heart opened up.

I was furious. How could she have kept this from me for so long?

Before I could settle my own war, she was back to drinking.

The condo is gone. Funds will move electronically into an account. I will divide it into thirds, send it out to my siblings.

As I race through the house to clean my office, hang the last paintings on the wall, arrange my photographs, I'm going to remember her voice. The sober one.

And find a way to let it go, again.

7 Comments:

Anonymous donald said...

hopefully the party will help you through all this and help you let it all go.

can't wait to see all the changes at the house.

7:45 AM  
Blogger Ms. Moon said...

That was a beautiful post.

7:59 AM  
Blogger Sue J said...

Hang in there, friend.

9:00 AM  
Anonymous Laura said...

that is the only thing you can do.....hanging on to all the "bad feelings" will only drag you down to a place there is no need for you to be

stay positive

Enjoy your party

10:33 AM  
Blogger Bob said...

Maybe it'll just be a place again some day soon.

And maybe it'll be time to remember how you've been making beautiful memories for yourself and your kids.

Happy birthday weekend.

12:49 PM  
Blogger Suzy said...

Happy Birthday 2 U. Enjoy the weekend 45 is nothing. I thought for some reason I was gonna be 48 thanks for clearing that up for me only 47 this year. I know what I want for my birthday a new brain.
Love ya big birthday hug from the o'briens.

9:26 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

suzy, my sister is gonna be 50.

how can that be when really I'm 32?

again?

7:59 AM  

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