Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Owning The Present

You know, a day of chores, busy work and hunting stalker barbies has been great for me. My friend last night was right- out of the weeds! Breathe!

As I walked down the beach today, I kept thinking... I have Ben at home for four more years. That's it. A huge chapter of my life will end. My first born is turning into a young man.

I am so proud of him. Even when he leaves his laundry all over his floor- that would be the clean laundry.

I feel a new sense of purpose, a new sense of what the next steps for me are. I loved Ellen's speech- be a good person. I am trying, every day, to be a good person. Honest. Thoughtful.

That doesn't mean I'm not a jerk sometimes, because I am. Or narcissistic because whoa nelly, I am. It only means I'm trying.

I have three of the best kids in the world. Ok, I may be a bit biased but the joy they bring me is incredible.

The catch is to live in the moment, and let it in.

My moments, in everyday life, are full of opportunity. I see that now. It took being away from it all to appreciate it. I had to laugh, for in the middle of my most dark moment in Downeast, my sister in law sent me a powerpoint she had seen as part of a work training.

Do you want to be a victim or an owner?

Um... can I own being a victim? Is that covering all the bases?

The point was in your perspective. Do you get angry when someone cuts you off in traffic, thinking they have disrespected you, the presentation asked.

Hell no, I'm a Boston driver. I hunt them down and cut them off at the first opportunity.

Seriously, what can I own? I love writing. I can make people laugh out loud or cry. I can make them think about things in a different way. It is a gift.

I also love my family. Jeanine, the kids, Walter and Allan... and my MOMS. You know who you are. I am blessed with amazing friends.

I came from a crappy place. And still, I have accomplished much. When I read a reply to one of my posts, from a man who is disabled, who still sees the joy in his life, I thought to myself, it's time to hold it all.

In the book, Three Dog Life, the author's life has been shattered- and still, she sees joy.

It is my nature, my long training, to feel not enough. Used. Humiliated. A victim.

It is my choice to hold that.

This time has shown me I am ready, strong enough, and... maybe even just a little excited about moving on. I want to embrace the time I have left with my kids at home. Love my wife with all my heart because we are here, today, healthy, and in love even after 18 years.

I knew it would take more than a week to get to where I needed to go. I knew I had to get past the loneliness to see the bones of who I am today. I have.

I love writing about politics. I love being at home when my boys are done with school. I love the ocean. I can look all I want but the truth is, I have it all right here. I don't need to prove anything anymore.

What a relief.

And Hara? I'm ready for that big dinner, with all of us around the table, laughing, eating and drinking great wine.

5 Comments:

Blogger aj said...

:)

9:30 AM  
Blogger Rev. Bob said...

A woman after my own heart with the other drivers. have you heard your kids saying some of your lines in the car (It's the pedal on the right, moron)?

You can say "Ya know, Marge, we're doin' pretty good."

4:29 PM  
Blogger Ms. Moon said...

I loved that. Beautiful.

5:09 PM  
Anonymous donald said...

guess you are going to be going from being too cold downeast to too hot tomorrow in ogt! go figure!!

8:05 PM  
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12:44 AM  

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