Sunday, May 17, 2009

Scuba Diving

It's pouring rain this morning. The water is fairly still and if I weren't such a baby, I'd be out there fishing.

Perfect time to catch fish.

A friend sent me a note yesterday talking about the depths in which some of us are comfortable exploring.

There are those who snorkel, she said, and those who won't even put their face in the water. And then there are the scuba divers.

I'm definitely doing some serious scuba diving here.

The weather has me bummed. I had a hard time getting the fire lit this morning and the dash to the outhouse meant getting soaked.

Not a happy camper right now.

I have plenty of busy work to do around the cabin. Floors to be swept, god forbid I actually took out a mop.

Perhaps I'm just a little scared. I got to a place yesterday, seeing a part of me filled with shame. The little girl waiting for the comics who... enjoyed the feeling. She is just a child. Four years old. Incapable of understanding what an adult should and should not be doing.

I can't quite believe I just wrote that, said it out loud. Some abuse survivors deal with the deepest shame, that their bodies responded to the stimulation. Not all, not always, but some.

It's all suppose to be all pain. Horror.

It is, both are true. Looking back, as an adult, I know what was going on was wrong. Sick. But that little girl, she didn't know. She just wanted to be loved. Held. Happy to see her father smile.

Without any understanding of why.

A friend of mine once said, she felt like she was "hard wired" at a young age. It was often difficult to understand what was pleasure, what was pain and how to draw healthy lines around it.

When I read the book The Courage to Heal, I found that to be true in many stories told.

Usually anonymous stories told.

I'm afraid packing up today is the General in charge, saying enough. Enough of this stuff. Time to go write a political piece for Mass Equality, time to get focused on work to be done.

Perhaps mopping the floor will quiet the General down. Setting up the solar lights Jeanine sent with me, taking out Walter's old clock. There is a 1000 piece puzzle of Allan's here. Put away all the board games the kids loaded in the car.

My family is here even though they are not. I have to hold onto that comfort, and keep diving.


Blogger Ms. Moon said...

I wrote about that- the body's response and how that is part of the abuser's tool box.
Oh, it's all such a many-layered mess of a nasty onion. Peel it away, Sara. But yes, take breaks. Don't come up for air too quickly- don't want to get the bends. Gently. Treat yourself gently. Check your oxygen levels. Keep your eyes open.
You're safe. You are safe now. Keep remembering that.

11:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Sara, even scuba divers don't travel alone. They would never make it very far without their oxygen tanks. Think about who or what fills your lungs with clean, fresh air. This is what enables you to dive deeper, even when that is difficult. Very proud of you, and grateful for your writings.

11:24 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

If I'm not alone, I do go deep. I just don't. I keep myself busy, I find things to distract me.

run, move, change.

11:32 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

I meant to write, I don't go deep...

11:33 AM  
Blogger Lula de Montes said...

As someone already pointed out: your loved ones are your oxygen, of which you have a plentiful supply. So don't be afraid: they will always bring you back to the surface.

2:10 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

um... they are kinda far away.

except for donald. he's just around the corner. in a warm house.

5:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is the presence of those people in your life, not physically, but in spirit and in love that will enable you to keep fighting. They are one reason WHY you keep diving, and one part of HOW far you can dive.

Your dive deeper is propelled by the support you have from your loved ones, but also remember, your dive propels your relationships with them as well. The concept is not so much about having someone there to hold your hand, but the thought that those people mean more to you than anything else. And that you mean the world to them as well.


Love is not about a physical presence in the same room in which you are sitting. Seeing love in this time, and in this place, will be a recognition of the support that fills your life. Old and new.

Wishing you the best,

6:40 PM  
Anonymous donald said...

glad your decided to work through this and not bolt yesterday. having it rainy and miserable didn't help.

missed you last night for dinner, thought about you constantly. i want to give you all the space you need, but am here and at the ready at any moment, just call. going to be cold tonight, so come spend the night and be warm. don't want you leaving and feeling like you were never warm and dry. we can crank up the heat and wear shorts and play like it is actually summer!

6:50 AM  

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