Monday, March 29, 2010

Easter Week

What's that I hear? Oh, right. Nothing... silence. Everyone is back at school today.


Except for my sister's dog who is absolutely certain there is something living under the deck outside my office door. She's growling a low rumble, but refuses to go out and deal with said creature.

It is Easter week. Passover tonight. I have very mixed feelings about Easter. For one, the whole rising from the dead thing is a little beyond me. Two, it reminds me of being at my father's parents house in Ithaca- not too much fun in those memories. I dreamt about him last night. Everyone was trying to get me to talk with him, that he was OK, really, it was OK.

Believe me, it wasn't OK. Even my mother was there, in the dream, trying to convince me. Now, THAT would never have happened in real life. It was the one thing she was very clear about.

This is not an easy week for me.

Not all the memories are bad, though. Easter in Lynchburg with my great aunts was full of pageantry- white gloves, china set tables and iced tea. And once, when we celebrated at home, I decided I would catch the Easter Bunny. I took my fishing pole and attached a carrot to the hook. There was a balcony between the first and second floor- I dangled the carrot from my second floor perch.

My mother was amused. I remember it was serious business.

This year we will have a very different Easter. When the kids were little, we took them to Drumlin Farms, and showed them the spring lambs all wobbling on their new legs. We talked about spring and the land coming back to life.

They are older now, and no one believes in the Easter Bunny. Last year they were microwaving Peeps early in the morning, before Jeanine and I woke up.

Nothing like a breakfast of pure sugar to get the creative juices flowing.

What else we have done, though, in the last few years must change. I am certain the shifts are the reason I have been dreaming of my father lately. I was not convinced in my dream and I will not be convinced awake that what I know to be wrong isn't.

My awake reality, though, has left me sad and heartbroken. I would say hurt but hurt is a word used by and for women when they are angry. I am angry I dug so deep for so long and tried so hard only to be disappointed over and over again.

It is Spring, though. It is time for rebirth and renewal. Each year, always, something new is given. Somewhere in this week, I will find what is new, positive. I can't change what has happened.

But I can welcome what is to come.


Blogger Ms. Moon said...

Easter makes me angry too. But happy, also, in that new rituals have come to be here with my family. THIS family. The one that matters. And that is good.

7:06 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

ah, ms. moon... not about family of origin.

9:08 PM  
Anonymous donald said...

i hope you can find some enjoyable moments this week.

2:42 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home