I am often shocked at what comes out my mouth on a daily basis. Not in the moment, because in the moment, it simply is what it is. But when I look back and think about it…
Who put the toothpaste on the toilet this time?
Who wiped boogers on the wall? Do you know how gross that is? Don’t look at me. I don’t wipe boogers on walls. Neither does your mother. No, Jake, the dog doesn’t have fingers.
This is not MoCA. Your school bags in a pile are not art. Put them away.
No, you may not play basketball in your mother’s heels. I don’t care if you can. They are expensive shoes and it’s raining outside.
You cannot put the cat down on the dog’s head.
Your penis will not fall off if you let go.
If I said no to him, do you really think it’s a good idea to try the very same thing three seconds later?
When you kicked your brother in the testicles, you taught him a new trick. Don’t come complain to me when he uses it on you.
(And yes, I do use that word instead of balls. I want to say balls but I don’t. Because then I could not keep a straight face.)
And that was what I heard myself say today. So far.