Believe it or Not

I talked to my mother tonight.

No, really.

I did a reading, over the phone, with a woman in Kansas. Never met her before. She identified my ‘spirit guides.’

Your mother, she laughed, is very chatty.

My mother was indeed chatty. When she had energy, before she was sick, the woman could talk all day. Literally.

There were things this woman said, without a hint of information from me that blew me away. There were sentences she said that were word for word what my mother had said to me in the past.

It is time, she said, to let the pain in my heart go. It was safe for my heart to be healed.

Keep writing, she said. Over and over. Don’t quit. Don’t be discouraged.

There was mention of mouthwash. You’re bothered by it, the woman said. You’re bothered by your mother and mouthwash… and she started to laugh. That sounds silly… I stayed silent on the other end. I was stunned. My history with my mother and mouthwash isn’t anything I’ve ever written about before.

There is a basket of hers you have… and you found her glasses?

I had found a pair of her glasses in a basket I brought from her house. I had taken them out and held them for a long time. I wasn’t sure what to do with them.

Your mother was there when you found her glasses.

I knew that without the angel lady telling me that. Having her tell me that? From Kansas? I never wrote about it in my blog or in any published essay- to be honest I didn’t even mention the moment to Jeanine.

So, you may think I did this to hear from my mother. I signed up for this session over a year ago. Long before my mother was sick. Long before she died. I was trying to think about all the doors open to me and which ones I should go through.

Be patient and write was the answer. See the good in yourself.

And get Ben the cell phone he wanted for Christmas, for heavens sake. Tell him it’s from her, too. (Another direct quote)

Yesterday, while waiting for friends to come over to watch the football game? Ben was talking with Zachary. About his Christmas list and the one thing he didn’t get.

A cell phone.

Grandma would have given me one, he said confidently. Then paused and said, No, she would have given me the money to get one. I know she would have.

Maybe she just did.

What strikes me the most? The voice, the words ‘repeated’ were so true to my mother’s voice. The way she spoke. And it was only the good stuff. The words and encouragement she gave me when we were close. The nightmares I’ve been having about her are all the negative words and feelings, piled into three hours of REM sleep. The words I heard tonight were a shift forward. A place of healing.

This has been a hard year, she said to me. Slow down. You are in a completely new place. Everything has changed. Be patient.

Maybe it’s all a hoax, although I’m not sure how anyone could get that level of information or would bother for so little money. Maybe I heard what I wanted to hear, although I will get a tape of the conversation in a couple days and will be able to replay it.

Right now, I’d like to think I talked to my mother tonight.