Thursday, June 07, 2007

Dear Dr. Laura: So What’s a Mother to do?

Dear Dr. Laura:

I wanted to send you a note to offer my condolences. I understand Deryk is in trouble, yet again, posting “cartoon depictions of rape, murder, torture and child molestation; photographs of soldiers with guns in their mouths; a photograph of a bound and blindfolded detainee captioned "My Sweet Little Habib"; accounts of illicit drug use; and a blog entry headlined by a series of obscenities and racial epithets. (

Kids these days. They have no appreciation for what we do as parents. I mean he didn’t experience your divorce or the fact that you and Lewis Bishop were having an affair or even the years you shacked up together.

I guess that’s what gave you the idea to tell young women to keep their legs together before marriage. Hindsight is always 20/20, isn’t it?

Even after all you did for him, Deryk turned around and started behaving badly.

But you know all about that, don’t you. “Boys are slobs… One reason is that mothers let them get away with it. Mothers are notorious for spoiling male children.” ( There goes that hindsight thing again.

I know you have been very clear about all the things you have to do to be a good parent. And even after all your efforts, young Deryk got busted in Fayetteville in 2005 for underage drinking. Which was on the heels of his deciding to open up a Hookah Bar ( in 2004. The only reason he did that was to “pick up chicks.”

I also know you won’t be rushing to his defense any time soon. “The worst thing in the world is a defensive my-kid-can’t-do-anything-wrong parent.” ( You have the guts to say it like it is. “If you can't handle the baggage, you'll have to get out of the baggage room,” right? Leave that silly ol’ room and go right back to the radio station to help other less sensible parents, like myself.

I understand how hard it is to raise boys. I’m raising three of them and at times, the smell of their shoes alone is enough to make me weak and prone to inappropriate mothering. Mine aren’t old enough to open a Hookah Bar. I imagine their rebellion will be more along the lines of dating cheerleaders and voting Republican.

But Dr. Laura, you have to remember, at least he’s not gay like Beverly LaHaye’s boy, Lee. How can she stand running the Concerned Women for America with him as CFO checking out all the strapping young male accountants? Or Phyllis Schlafley’s boy. Sure, he works for her, too, makes Roy Cohen look like a liberal but you know he’s never giving her grandchildren. Even though Deryk’s written “godless crazy people like me” have become “a generation of apathetic killers,” he’s straight.

There is always a little ray of sunshine even on the darkest days. He could have grown up to be a peace loving, sandal wearing, hippie. Godless killer isn’t so bad.

The best thing you can do is to ignore the press. After all, just a week ago you touted, “We raised our son to be a warrior.” (( Even if that means kicking a woman in the head at the 2004 Republican convention or doing “nasty things to people that deserve it…. And some that don’t.” (( Clearly, he is a warrior. Maybe not a noble, play by the rules kind of guy, but he’s putting the hurt on someone.

In the meantime, find a minority group to go after or rip into Hillary Clinton. Oh, wait, unlike you, she stayed married. Attack her for bad polyester fashion. Something. It’ll make you feel better.

And don’t worry about that “I am my kid’s mom,” stuff. We all make mistakes from time to time. That whole ‘glass houses’ proverb is way overrated.

Besides, with Deryk’s record so far? I’m sure he’ll be up to something else.


In Sympathy,


Blogger Chris said...

(newbie here - Hi!)

I have to stare at a billboard of her on my way to work every day. It makes me unintelligible with rage. I'm just glad I don't have to listen to her.

12:25 PM  
Blogger sophiemichaels said...

I LOVE you! What a great post. Ever since I heard about the Deryk Schlessinger stuff - I've been waiting to hear the outcome. Which I've slowly realized wasn't coming, because everyone involved has a vested interest in keeping covered up. I have to admit, I listen to Dr. Laura every day, in the spirit of "Know thine enemy." Thank you for calling her out.

You're the shit!!

10:08 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

thank you, sophie... my wife often says I'm A shit but never THE shit.

I, too, was a little surprised. The reality? He'll get away with it until he does some real harm. And, unfortunately, he probably will do some real harm.

12:37 PM  

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