Exposure

In photography, there is over exposure, under exposure, the right exposure. All subtle adjustments to the light coming into the camera when capturing the image.

I’m feeling a little over exposed right now. Too much light into dark corners and it makes me afraid.

I don’t know of what- no one can hurt me anymore. Some people may find what I write offensive or overwhelming- that’s okay. It’s not about other people.

It’s about the light in dark corners.

It’s pulling out a small girl out of her hiding space in the back of the closet, next to the boots and wool coats.

The adult in me did it with my usual passionate, driven belief that under exposure ruins lives.

The glaring light shocks the little girl.

Good friends surround me this weekend. There will be a big dinner tonight and lots of laughter and talking. I’m not sure what the right light will be, how to adjust the shutter speed to capture enough but not too much.

How to resist the urge to say me, me, me, everyone come take care of me. They’ve all done enough of that in the last year. It’s time to give.

And to put the narcissist in me to rest, at least for a while.

To take pictures of others.

To give the little girl inside of me a break from her press releases.

I know I did the right thing the other day and would do it again in an instant- I am driven to be a voice. The fear I feel right now is old. It grabs my hip and sears to the bone.

But for now, there is a bonfire to build. I have marshmallows, chocolate bars, and graham crackers. All the kids here love to hear stories about when they were little, and I love to be the storyteller. I am an adult, I have an amazing life.

There is nothing to fear anymore, I keep saying to myself. You don’t need to run.

Tonight, I hope I can find just the right amount of light.