Saturday, October 25, 2008

Have You Ever Been Mortified?

And had to keep the good face going?

I was mortified tonight. I shouldn't even write about this but... I can't help myself. It's too funny.

Tonight I was invited to an HRC event. Big fundraiser in Boston. I've been to a bunch of events- lousy food, lots of people, no big deal. Not tonight. I had a problem.

Jeanine and I met with some folks before the event in the bar and had a cocktail. The ice melting like mad, but I don't notice, I'm engrossed in conversation. I usually hold my glass... well... in my lap.

I stand up after the hour and oh my god. I had an enormous wet spot - where? My crotch. Great. I'm so embarrassed I can't see straight. I go to the ladies room- I'll take the pants off and blow dry them with the hand dryers.

ONLY THERE ARE NO HAND DRIERS. Just useless paper towels.

I'm mortified. I can't dry the enormous wet stain my cocktail glass has created. I look like I wet my pants. Or my water broke.

Ooops, I'm pregnant. must have sat on a bad toilet seat. my mother warned me... me and Sarah Palin. Or one of the Palin's.

I pace. I panic. I finally go out to Jeanine- she's alone- oh my god. I have to leave.

It's fine, she says.


No, really, it's fine.

We go upstairs.

I have an enormous wet spot and then I see Walter and Allan.

I didn't know it was black tie event. Allan, of course, is in a suit. Walter? black jeans and a shirt.


Fuck fuck fuck. I set them up. I didn't know but I should have.


I'm sitting there with my jacket buttoned- did I mention I've had my period for about three thousand weeks in a row and hot flashes and the idea of a jacket is beyond me let alone buttoned.

But there I am with a GIANT WET SPOT- now drying- and I have to have my jacket buttoned. Hot flashes. Get me a cocktail, sweet jesus. Did I mention this is for HRC?

Finally, Walter, Jeanine, Allan and I circle. We all ridicule Jeanine's decision to bid on the most god awful ugly lamps. Fair play- Jeanine then points out my need for Depends. We ponder an instant auction item of Depends.

My pants are nearly dry by now. I still want to die.

I hate these events. But if I seemed exceptionally off? MY FUCKING PANTS WERE WET. I should have listened when my mother tried to teach me how to sit like a lady.

And I ended up with the ugliest lamps in the history of man. Oh, don't worry. When we get them? I'll upload some pictures.


Blogger Christy said...

And this is why I love your blog.

(And yes, I feel HORRIBLE for your complete mortification earlier.)

1:19 AM  
Blogger Rev. Bob said...

/me never laughed or even smiled at your story.

/me never tore the seat right out of his pants in Colonial Williamsburg causing the people on the bus to think I was a horrible pervert.

2:13 AM  
Anonymous donald said...

knowing all of you, i laughed my ass off reading about the night. i can just hear allan saying, "you didn't tell us it was a black tie event"!

if those lamps are that awful, they better not end up in maine, either place!! LOL

4:45 AM  
Blogger Sue J said...

That was great-- I think the best thing to do with those situations is definitely to laugh about them.

Not I'VE ever had anything remotely like that happen to ME, of course ....

8:50 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

oh, donald, they have to go SOMEWHERE else. they are NOT going in my house.

I mean...UGLY.

and allan was, of course, in a fabulous suit- he was fine. it was poor walter that I felt so bad about.

Honestly, I did not know it was black tie.

9:03 AM  
Blogger Lula de Montes said...

You just gave me the best laugh (not at your expense, mind) that I've had in a miserable ten days. I sympathise because I've found myself in such situations. As for the lamps, eBay?

10:44 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

oh, no. the lamps are now cherished probably because I whined so much about them.

1:02 PM  
Blogger Suzy said...

ouch stop can't breathe.
it pays to be introverted don't have to worry about that type of thing lol.

1:37 PM  
Anonymous Laura said...

OMG! Thanks for the laugh.

I think laughing about things like this helps you thru.

Put the lamps on Ebay....people by anything there.

1:45 PM  
Blogger Seda said...

Laughter - definitely the best way to defeat mortification. Thanks for the laugh!

2:14 PM  
Anonymous Morgan said...

"That which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"
Yeah, didn't do much for me either. My Mom told me that in reference to when I lost my bathing suit top to a rope swing 50 feet above the water in front of half of my graduating class. To this day I am referred to as "Jane" by my classmates at every class reunion.

8:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have got to see this. Obama playing on XBox. Funniest video ever.

11:38 AM  

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