Month of Fever

February, the month of the fever. It is the time of year when those of us in the cold parts of the world start to go nuts. Stir crazy, cabin fever; whatever you want to call it, we are aching for Spring.

I am aching for Spring. It is a time of hope, renewal, and clear sidewalks. Glorious sunshine and long underwear sent to the back of the drawer.

Most of my life, I have been afraid. Afraid of being bad, of doing the wrong thing- most of all, disappointing people. It has left me, at times, completely frozen.

No more.

It is time for my own revolution. It could be my new job, and the confidence I’ve gained from it. It could be my edging ever so much closer to fifty years old. It could be my realization that being a role model for my children is changing, as they grow older.

It is time for change.

My classes are currently writing persuasive essays and putting music to them. Basically, putting a soundtrack to their thoughts and words. If I had to put music to this today, I would pick Beautiful by Carole King.

“You’ve got to get up every morning, with a smile on your face, and show the world, all the love in your heart…”

If I don’t believe in myself, why should anyone else? If I don’t trust my strength, no one else can.

“and people gonna treat you better, you’re gonna find, yes you will, that you’re beautiful, as you feel…”

It’s a song I memorized as a kid, playing the album until the grooves were worn out. (Note to the youngsters: Albums were vinyl disks, grooved to hold a needle in place, played on record players. Hard to imagine, I know.)

I wrote about beautiful a while back. Not pretty, not cute, but the power of beautiful. My goal this Spring, is to feel that way. To, perhaps for the first time, love myself.

“If there’s any answer maybe love can end the madness, maybe not, oh, but we can only try…”

For who I am- not what someone needs me to be, or wants me to be.

Beautiful.

Because you know, I got the fever…