Loss and More Loss
I know I've been absent for a while. End of the school year, 1000 different events to go to- a final goodbye to the elementary school we've been a part of for 11 years.
Loss. Big loss.
And something I haven't written about but am ready to now- my wife and I separated in February. She and I simply couldn't get to a place where we were happy. There was no hanky panky, or anything horrible. I don't know where we will end up- we've been together 20 years, and for now, being apart is the right thing.
Huge loss.
Yes, we share the kids. It's been incredibly hard on them. Slowly, we've all become accustomed to the routine. When I don't have them, I am incredibly lonely. I spent 15 years as a full time parent. Suddenly, I'm part time. I've lost my sense of stability. I can't seem to get grounded.
Without being grounded, it's hard for me to write. Without writing, I won't be grounded. Ah, catch-22.
I've been living in my sister's rented house. She left me a car, a fully furnished house and in the second to last conversation we had, she said to me, you need something to change. You never know what could happen.
Two weeks later, she was dead.
Her words have had a profound effect on me. It is up to me to make my life what I want it to be. To complain, to wait, is an insult to everyone who has died young, suddenly, without time to change what they needed to change.
It is time to unpack all of my life. To sit with all I've done. To hold each piece, closely. I've been doing it for months now, with my sister's things. Knick knacks, silly cards, my mother's ashtray from when we were growing up. Why she had that, I'll never understand, but I took the time to sit with it. To remember. Some things, I'll keep. Most, I won't.
I am, at heart, someone who likes to throw things away. Trash day is always a happy day for me. I realize now, in my life, I need to slow down. Consider. Hold. Remember. There has been so much loss in my life, and I have been completely overwhelmed. It would be easier to simply throw things away.
But I can't. I can't do that to my children. It won't make me happy.
Please forgive my long absence. I need to write.
Consider. Hold.
And mostly? Remember.
Loss. Big loss.
And something I haven't written about but am ready to now- my wife and I separated in February. She and I simply couldn't get to a place where we were happy. There was no hanky panky, or anything horrible. I don't know where we will end up- we've been together 20 years, and for now, being apart is the right thing.
Huge loss.
Yes, we share the kids. It's been incredibly hard on them. Slowly, we've all become accustomed to the routine. When I don't have them, I am incredibly lonely. I spent 15 years as a full time parent. Suddenly, I'm part time. I've lost my sense of stability. I can't seem to get grounded.
Without being grounded, it's hard for me to write. Without writing, I won't be grounded. Ah, catch-22.
I've been living in my sister's rented house. She left me a car, a fully furnished house and in the second to last conversation we had, she said to me, you need something to change. You never know what could happen.
Two weeks later, she was dead.
Her words have had a profound effect on me. It is up to me to make my life what I want it to be. To complain, to wait, is an insult to everyone who has died young, suddenly, without time to change what they needed to change.
It is time to unpack all of my life. To sit with all I've done. To hold each piece, closely. I've been doing it for months now, with my sister's things. Knick knacks, silly cards, my mother's ashtray from when we were growing up. Why she had that, I'll never understand, but I took the time to sit with it. To remember. Some things, I'll keep. Most, I won't.
I am, at heart, someone who likes to throw things away. Trash day is always a happy day for me. I realize now, in my life, I need to slow down. Consider. Hold. Remember. There has been so much loss in my life, and I have been completely overwhelmed. It would be easier to simply throw things away.
But I can't. I can't do that to my children. It won't make me happy.
Please forgive my long absence. I need to write.
Consider. Hold.
And mostly? Remember.
posted by Sara at 10:49 AM
12 Comments:
Oh, Sara.
Nothing more than that. Just...oh.
I'm not... sorry. Cause it's the right thing for now, you say. But I... feel for you.
It's a tough place to be at in life. But it sounds like you're making the most of it. You make it a lesson - and I'm sure you will come out on the other side, stronger and wiser.
oh ms. moon... please don't be disappointed in me.
Sara, I've been reading your blog for a few years now and it pains me that you and your wife have separated. I know it was a tough decision. My parents split up when I was 23--they had been married 24 years. It took me about 10 years to realize it was the right decision for them and it wasn't about me, at all. I know we are strangers, but know that someone from Austin is sending healing thoughts to your family.
Sara,
That's a lot of pain for a girl to process, and it sounds like you're handling it as well as can be expected. I am so sorry for your losses.
Everything changes. That's the truth. People leave, jobs go away, people come in, ...it's all a constant state of flux. It's a ride, girlfriend...a remarkable ride, and sometimes we have to just hold on for dear life. And see every day as new beginning, and just go from there.
You never know when magic will be waiting 'round the corner.
Sara - I left a marriage of 12 years because I realized I had lost all of what made me "me". That was 8 years ago. In the years since, I've had friends comment how glad they are to have me back. I hadn't realized how much I had lost. I wish you the insight to find the path your journey is supposed to take. Life is wonderful when you do.
it has been an unhappy time for all of us that know you and your family, but this will make you stronger!
you always have an ear, a hand and a shoulder here you know!
My heart hurts for you, Sara. May you soon find some peace.
Oh, Sara. I am so sorry for you and those that have to go through this with you, but do know they are with you.
Sometimes life is really hard but if you take a deep breath and move through it you will come out better on the other side of this short time in life. Loss in any form is hard and you've had quite a bit. Be good to yourself and keep writing. (HUGS)
I understand your losses...all close to home for me. I'm new to your blog (fairly), and will be around, I'm sure of it. Hang in there - while it might take awhile for all this to make sense (if it ever does), you need yourself - make sure you allow yourself to think.
Complexity. It's the way life is. Please take care of you. You've raised some terrific kids, and they'll surprise you as you and they grow through it. I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling.
Sara, I also have been reading your blog for awhile. I don’t know you, but I do know that I like to read your blog. The light at the end of this tunnel may be a long way away, but it will be there for you.
Post a Comment
<< Home