Friday, November 24, 2006

I'm Still Here.

My friends are killing me today.


I was away. It’s what happened yesterday. I write what happens in a day. It’s the point of the blog.

Please understand, we talked about a separation. It is an option. The daily tension can be so bad my blood pressure pounds in my head. Not good. Not good for either the kids or us. It was the only way I could see to lower the tension and put us both in a place where we really have to look at the relationship.

Do we move forward? What do we each want out of it? Is it a relief to be apart or hard?

Also, remember, this would not be our first separation. I left the house for almost a month this summer. I was struggling with the abuse memories that were flooding my head. Jeanine’s response deeply disappointed me. It didn’t feel safe to be around her. It was helpful for me. I was able to separate what was going on with Jeanine and what was going on with me.

I have no idea what the next step should be, only how important it is to choose carefully. Shouting at each other daily isn’t being thoughtful. I see a separation as a chance to get clear.

Jeanine does not. She is hurt by the suggestion. But willing to talk about it.

I feel stuck. The fighting exhausts me. I don’t know how to stop. Allan tells me to be Zen and breathe. I’m not very good at Zen and breathing.

Jeanine then proceeded to charm me the rest of the afternoon yesterday. The conversation completely flipped her out. She let go and made nice. She is enchanting when she wants to be. And very beautiful.

She pulls me in every time.

And the minute she feels safe, she goes away again.

It is an old pattern that must change.

A separation may be helpful. It may not.

No decisions have been made. It took us 15 years to get into this mess. It will take a long time to get out of it.


Post a Comment

<< Home