Tuesday, December 26, 2006

New Years Dream

Do you have any idea how early 3:30am is?

For some reason, Jeanine thought it was a good idea to let Ben set his clock for 3:30AM. Okay, we did need to leave at 4:30AM, but still...


I miss Jeanine. We’ve been so mad with each other for so long, I miss her. Holding her. Being with her. I thought for a little while that something else would have been better. To fall in love again without all the resentment and anger built up.

I was wrong.

I thought the fresh new rush of energy that inevidibly comes from making love for the first time would be better than her familiar touch, my lover of 15 years.

I was wrong about that, too. I cannot imagine – and I have a great imagination- having anything feel better than when she holds me after we’ve made love. Or holding her.

I know. Have to be careful. Anymore detail won’t pass the Weezie meter.

I miss her. Everytime I think, I can’t do this anymore, I remember how soft her lips are. How gentle- or not- she can be. I think about fifteen years of holding, touching, mouths, fingers and I know I am where I need to be, where I want to be. Where it feels right to be.

No, it’s not only about sex but how you have to love someone, the level of safety it takes to be that free. That has never come easy to me. It has taken years to be able to trust her the way I do.

I wish I could erase the last six months. I wish I never remembered anything. I wish I could go back to a time when I had my job, my mother was alive and I loved Jeanine without hesitation.

Of course, I felt like it was okay to get just a little bit. I believed it was all I deserved.

Still, I wish I could go to sleep and wake up, finding it a dream.

A nightmare I can wake up from.

The only thing grounding me is my own certainty that these things did indeed happen. Some, I’ve always remembered. I say that over and over too reassure myself I am not crazy.

I need you, Jeanine.

It’s not only about love. Or the touch of your hand. I need you to hold me through this piece of my life. This part of our marriage journey really is almost all about me. I’m so sorry. It’s not fair.

I need your touch.

Your kindness.

Please, no more fighting.

Let us be kind with each other.

Begin the new year full of promise and hope.

That’s my New Year’s Dream. One I don’t want to wake up from ever again.


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