Monday, June 11, 2007

Good News, Bad News

I’ve been faced with one of those, good news, and bad news kind of days.

The good news? I’m home and the kids have not fought once since I walked in the door yesterday.

The bad news? I counted up the days on the calendar today and realized I’ve been bleeding, heavily mostly, for 22 days.

The good news? If I were a man, I’d be dead.

The bad news? I’m not, so I’m exhausted.

The good news? My doctor saw me today, and she’s not afraid of the health insurance rules. She will do what is right, not what is recommended by accountants.

The bad news? She put me on heavy doses of birth control to try and stop the bleeding. Please understand, I am a lesbian. Always have been. I’ve never needed birth control. I’ve never taken it. Not only do I get to try it for the first time? I have to take it in huge quantities.

So… what’s that going to do to me? I asked.

She smiled. Well… it’s going to make you feel like you’re pregnant again. It’s all the same hormones but in huge amounts.

Great.

The good news? I get to take all the anti-nausea drugs I want because I am not pregnant. And I don’t remember feeling that ill when I was pregnant… I remember feeling weepy. It’s been reported I was somewhat “irrational.”

That will happen, too, my doctor said and shrugged.

Easy for her to shrug, she doesn’t have to live with me.

The bad news? After I finally stop bleeding, I have to do a series of tests to eliminate all possibilities other than perimenopause.

The good news? My doctor said is, it’s probably just that. A little early but… you’re old enough.

The bad news? I have to take all those tests pumped up on enough estrogen to warrant a not guilty by reason of insanity plea to pretty much anything I do. I’ve described myself as high strung but… I’m being gentle.

So I feel the need to issue a blog warning. I am not going to be normal for the next few weeks. I have already asked my good friend to be sure I DO NOT MAKE ANY DECISIONS in this time period.

I can see me blubbering away, thinking having another baby would be a good idea. Trust me, it’s not.

I may need to use old posts from last summer to fill some days. Not only will I be hysterical, weepy and throwing up, I’m going to be bleeding even more.

I’ll try to stay current. I’ll try to be present and describe what it’s like. How my world changes, knowing it’s due to the hormones.

The good news? It’s like going down pregnancy memory lane, if ever so briefly, once again. I remember the intense rush of knowing my body was trying to create a new life. I remember being excited and terrified. I was going to be a mother.

The bad news? I’m not pregnant. There could be something wrong. (Oy. I’m hysterical without the drugs!)

And I am a mother. Of three young boys.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Dana said...

First, let me say I hope you're feeling all right and soon solve your medical issue.

Second, I'll just relate that the only time in my life that I was on birth control was when my partner and I were trying to get her pregnant with my egg, and I had to go on the pill so we could synch our cycles. Yep. We went on birth control to get pregnant. Isn't science wonderful?

9:14 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

so far I feel fine, no emotional meltdowns which proves my belief I was a much nicer pregnant woman than Jeanine!

She was a nutcase before the strip turned blue till the very end.

6:57 AM  

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