"Some Sold Out!"

Okay, this is it. I’ve now seen it all.

While leafing through a magazine today in the 90-degree heat, I found an ad for a cruise to Alaska. Nice and cool, Alaska is. Hmmm.

It’s a Seminar cruise. Hurry because "Some Categories Already Sold Out!"

Dinner with Richard Dreyfuss. Q and A with Ralph Nader. Cocktails with Katrina vanden Heuvel (Nation’s editor and publisher).

Please.

Stop.

I don’t want cocktails with someone smarter than me telling me how to think. I sit with my kids daily at the dinner table and am informed constantly about how little I know. I don’t want to ask Ralph Nader anything. It may come as a surprise but I find his running mate, Winona La Duke far more interesting and articulate. And don’t even get me started about one more long-winded, Hollywood political wannabe. Just give money to the right causes and be quiet. Starring in a movie does not make you an expert.

I want a cruise offered where they take care of my children and I don’t have to pay extra. Where they match up kids with adults who are normal, interesting people who have the same interests. Someone like Ralph Lauren for Ben- they can talk fashion while sitting by the pool looking fabulous- Bronson Arroyo for Zachary- he wants to play guitar and baseball, too- and Jo Frost, aka “Super Nanny” for Jake- because then I could set up a betting pool on which one would win.

I’d put my money on Jake in a heartbeat. Have you seen the eyes on that kid? Please.

I’m more interested in an all-star line up of chefs than dinner companions. I’ll take Jody Adams of Rialto for a dinner and brunch- her now closed restaurant Red Clay’s brunch still lives large in my mind. Daniel Boulud can come cook some of those foie gras stuffed burgers for lunch one day. We might skip dinner that night. Charlie Trotter, Alice Waters, and Michael Leviton- a fabulous chef who for some strange reason is hidden away in a small restaurant in West Newton called Lumiere- he can cook all the fish dishes and provide the best crème brulee anyone has ever tasted.

The spa should be provided by Canyon Ranch. No one should be allowed to have a single day pass without some form of calming, soothing treatment. I don’t need a gay only cruise, I just want happy people only cruise. Calm people. Preferably all parents of children because I hate having to sit next to someone who looks at me as if I’m mad for having three kids and am intentionally setting out to ruin their moment in time.

I want dancing at night and my children to dance with me like they did when they were two, three years old, minus any insecurity about how stupid their mother looks.

It would help is the boat was stationary. Jeanine and Jake suffer from motion sickness.

I know, too much to ask for.

But please, don’t ever send me on a cruise with a bunch of policy wonks and advertise,


“What’s going on here?
Did you die and go to heaven?
Nope,
You’re on the Nation’s Alaska Cruise!”


I just described heaven above. That isn’t it.