Friday, September 21, 2007

True Confessions

Someone stole a plant from my front yard. They ripped out an entire dahlia. Took the whole thing.

Serious crime in the ‘burbs. Plant envy.

What kind of person steals a plant? Was it the elderly woman across the street, whose garden has long since failed? The young couple two houses down who work all the time on their yard and it still sports the home depot look?

I read in the Wall Street Journal today that confession is making a comeback. I guess the Nazi Pope Benedict (he is what he is, was what he was) has instructed the U.S. bishops to make confession a top priority. (

The article goes on to say that there are even a few priests listening to confession at the mall. I mean, pick up a new pair of shoes, get a card for your grandmother’s birthday and confess to any sins you’ve accumulated along the way.

Just in case a car circling for a good spot on the way out hits you, you’re cleared and ready to go straight to heaven, no purgatory needed.

While the Catholic Church does not accept internet based confessions, there is a site- where you can post your confessions for everyone to read. I’m not sure if it’s going to get you into heaven faster or end any lines for the pearly gates but it does make for interesting reading.

I’ve always been fascinated with the concept that you could do anything- kill, rape, steal- and have a clean soul after confessing and saying some Hail Mary’s. There is a certain appeal to it- you get to wash that sin right out of your hair. Of course, the downside is pretty much everything is a sin.

Sex is a big one. It seems to be most of what people on are being cleansed of. The article mentioned a suburban mom’s confession of being impatient with her children. Good thing I’m not Catholic or I’d be in the booth every day. There are the big ones, though, the seven deadly sins- lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, pride…

…And envy. Even plant envy, I’m sure is a deadly sin. My plant stealer better head to the nearest confessional.

I mean… why risk eternal hell over a Dahlia?