The Supreme Court: Wave Goodbye

Can't hide my head in the sand anymore. I'd like to, but it's time to discuss the recent Supreme Court decision.

Ouch.

What the Supreme Court did, was to rule that corporations are entitled to "personhood" in a way that allows unlimited campaign contributions. Tom Delay is very excited because this means he probably won't go to jail on the money laundering charges he's facing. Other than that, all I can say is democracy is no longer for the people, by the people. It will be decided by corporations.

Because they are people, too.

Now, it's true that they have always had some semblance of personhood. This ruling takes that a step farther into elections. Yes, they will, just as people do, have to have their contributions recorded.

Bu the elections will already be decided. Imagine, ExxonMobil with the opportunity to buy a few representatives to get their environmental policies pushed through. Or the health insurance industry pocketing a couple senators to have the outcome of health reform balanced in a way that shows up in a positive bottom line for them.

Why, you say, they already do that. Yes, I would agree to some extent they do. But now? The sky is the limit. And it's legal.

So what can be done?

Not much. We can hope that corporations will want to have a positive image, which is always a line audit reports of most company annual reports as a possible risk. Although one could argue Exxon ran the Valdez into the ground, spilled oil, ruined the environment and hasn't paid a dime for it.

People still pull into Exxon to fill up. I don't but look at their profits. Please. No one cares. A bag of chips, good TV show, and most Americans are happy.

Shareholder resolutions? How can you argue that they should not be contributing when those contributions positively effect their bottom line? You can't.

Ok, so roll up your sleeves and say, enough with this Supreme Court. Let's have term limits. First, that takes a constitutional amendment. The Democrats can't even pass a bill saying people like hot dogs right now, let alone something as serious as changing the constitution. Besides, it would ultimately politicize even further the part of the government that is not suppose to be political.

I know, hard not to snicker at that one, isn't it?

Campaign finance reform? Um, let's remember about the hot dogs. Congress can't pass anything right now. And the right wing conservatives see this as playing into their favor. Ultimately, it won't. They will have short term wins- I see Roe v. Wade going down very soon. If corporations can have personhood and never be live, sentient beings, why isn't an embryo that has the possibility of becoming such a thing?

Brought to you by the makers of Pampers.

Scott Brown winning the senate seat is nothing compared to this folks. For the first time in all my years of activism, I feel completely helpless. I wish I could take a pill, like in the Matrix, and be stupid and unaware. As Hamlet asked,

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And, by opposing, end them."

Only I'd add a question mark- by opposing, do we end them?

I'm not sure I know what the point is anymore. I guess we can all wave goodbye to what little democracy we had left.

So Many Endings

What a week. Not only did naked frat boy win in MA, not only did the Supreme Court just open the floodgates for corporate giving to political campaigns...

Buster died.

Buster was Allan's dog. The kids always thought of him as their "other" dog. Two moms, two dads, two cats and two dogs. Except now one of the cats is gone and so is Buster.

The thing about Buster, who was a little dog with big attitude, was his penis was always sticking out. I guess that would make Buster a very happy dog, on all occasions. He was a one person dog, and that person was Allan. Sure, others could take care of him but... if Allan was in the room, Buster was with him.

Buster had started his life as Allan's moms dog. When she died, Allan took the dog. To say Buster was spoiled is to say it's kinda warm on the sun. Even I fed the dog at the table. Everyone thought he was a puppy, because he was so small, but he was actually a snarly old man. He liked very few people- I was one of the lucky few.

Zachary spent all his years trying to get that dog to like him. Buster never did. He would nip at Zachary's face any chance he got. For years I tried to explain to Zachary that Buster was the kind of dog you had to let come to you.

Didn't happen.

Over the last few years, we (friends of Allan) all knew that when Buster went, Allan would be devastated. He was his last connection to his mom. And he was a constant companion to Allan. He was there for every baseball game, soccer game- I think of all the times in the future Allan is going to have to say Buster is gone... so many.

I worry about what will happen with Allan. I think this is going to set off some life changing events for him.

In the meantime, democracy as we know it is gone. It doesn't really matter who we elect anymore. I'll write more about that later. For now, I'm going to look up some pictures of Buster.

So many endings. I wish I had a crystal ball to understand it all.

It is over

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As Good As it Gets

It really is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I can't shake the feeling of being cornered right now. My little safe state is no longer what I thought it was. Where to go?

Ok, I really was thinking about Costa Rica. Alas, they have crummy LGBT rights, too. Then I think, damn, might as well move to Florida and be near Jeanine's family. Maybe I'll go sell insurance after all. (Her sister owns an insurance business where the whole family works.)

Not such a bad thing. The weather is warmer, and if I'm going to be represented by idiots, might as well have the sun. Charlie Crist is a gay man, after all. Sure, a big ol' closeted one but we all know he's queer. My marriage license won't travel but I spent almost 14 years without one.

There is no where to go. Iowa has it's own issues. Vermont is colder with more snow. New Hampshire is too scary with all those guns around. Connecticut? I don't like white wine spritzers.

Maybe I'll just go out and get a new cat. Distract myself from feeling so miserable about the future. I can see it all now- 2010 elections will be a blood bath. People will beg for donations to political candidates and the same damn thing will happen- we'll lose. Then the Presidential campaign will heat up, more demands, more panic, more running around trying to get people to understand basic economics- No, Obama did not create this. Bush did.

No one will remember anything more than their last VISA card payment.

The Republicans will anoint Scott Brown savior of the Grand Old Party and elect him to run against Obama. I'm not sure a new kitten can quite wash away the future image of Brown as President, Massachusetts native son- another wad of spit on the Kennedy legacy.

I know, I know. We're all suppose to be revved up and ready to go. Brown only has two years in this seat. It's not any better anywhere else. No where else do I have my wonderful friends all around me.

Blah blah blah.

My instinct is to run. Find somewhere safe.

What I realize is... this is as good as it gets.

Massachusetts is Not Invincible

I have always been so proud to be from Massachusetts. Home of the liberals, even when liberal became a bad word. We have marriage equality, we have health care, we had the "liberal lion" Teddy Kennedy. I thought we were invincible.

Clearly, so did the Coakley campaign.

Sure, we elected Mitt Romney, but he handed out flyers at gay pride, pretended to be pro-choice, pretended to be like William Weld- a very socially liberal Republican.

He wasn't.

Now we've elected a naked frat boy named Scott Brown. Wealthy white guy who said he was an outsider. A guy who played on anger- white male privilege.

Anyone for some tea?

I am not alone feeling there is some push back about gender going on here- a woman is still suspect as a candidate. Still, I can't help but feel the message was wrong- we have great health care here. And the economy, while bad, isn't as bad as many parts of the country. Unemployment is at about 8% - lower than the national average.

So what was it about? The media keeps reporting on voter "anger." I agree, people are angry but how is it they can forget that Bush policies landed us in this mess? Obama is not Hercules- he could not possibly have made these deep problems in such a short period of time.

It took Bush 8 years, after all.

Is it the bailout of Wall Street? The perception that Obama has coddled the banks with the stimulus package? Have we not moved fast enough to create new regulations?

When I met the President, my kids begged me not to say anything political. Please, Mom... it will be sooooo embarrassing.

Um... he is a political guy, you know. Kind of his job.

But I have to admit, I kept thinking about the economy, the battle for health care, the devastation in Haiti, the war... I didn't have the heart. I'm not saying ENDA, DADT aren't as pressing. It just felt like so much on his plate already.

And those pesky teabaggers nipping at his heels, who now are so emboldened, I'm wondering if they are going to start wearing the sheets and hoods again.

Before the polls were closed, the Democrats were getting in a circle and shooting at each other. Pointing fingers at who lost this race and why. Without question, this needs to be evaluated but can we please not humiliate ourselves? The loss is bad enough.

When the AP called the race, my kids were just in bed so they heard our outrage. They were disgusted that Brown won- oh, my liberal kids. Good for them. I mumbled to Jeanine that I was sick of it. Sick of losing. Sick of politics. Sick of the games, the maneuvering, the tension.

Let's move to Costa Rica. It's warm, they have decent health care, and they have no army.

I didn't realize that Jake had heard me. He asked me this morning if we were moving. I said, Oh, honey, I was upset. Remember the book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day? Remember how Alexander wants to move to Australia?

He smiled.

And his mom says at the end, Even in Australia they have bad days? We're not moving. It was just a really bad day.

I'm not going anywhere. And no, I will not give up. The campaign was not well run, no question, but no one dreamed this could happen. The rest of the country must take note and learn from this. We cannot afford another naked frat boy to get elected to the United States Senate anywhere. Everyone in New York? Take Harold Ford very seriously. There are no free rides for anyone.

It is a hard, painful lesson to learn: Massachusetts is not invincible.

Ten Minutes till Polls Close

Democrats are bracing for a five point loss?

Really?

Sour moods. Turnout big for the Republicans.

Really?

That's not been a single person I have talked to today. And I spoke with a person in the campaign who feels the large turnout is an automatic win.

Tick Tick Tick... ten minutes till the polls close. Let's have all the votes counted first. I'm a little tired of hearing about how the teabaggers have taken over MA. I don't think so.

Down to the Wire: Coakley vs. Brown

I took the kids to the Obama rally yesterday. Yeah, they were really happy about that. Actually, we had the chance to meet the President and they all willingly put on ties and suits.

It was the President after all.

Even Ben, Mr. I am not impressed by anything, was impressed. Mom... you know all these people?

Some. Yes.

Wow.

Walking up to the Cabot Center, where the President was speaking, there was a small contingency of Scott Brown supporters. For the three to four thousand folks lined up to get into the event for Obama, there were maybe 100 people lined up on the other side of Huntington Ave. We all walked through the Brown crowd, to get to the crosswalk. I felt like I was back at an abortion clinic, all those years ago.

Ben leaned over to me and said, Mom, all these people are white. Every one of them.

Indeed, they were. White men, mostly, from 20 to 60. Some women, mostly older. Signs with fetus' on them were in the crowd. I found it fascinating that it was mostly about abortion- not teh gays- and health care.

But there weren't that many of them, compared to those attending the Coakley event. Unfortunately, the way Huntington Ave is designed at that point, the T runs down the middle, with barriers, and you cannot simply cross the street.

This is awkward, Ben said to me.

Just smile, I said.

At the event, we heard Menino, Markey, Patrick, Capuano, Kerry, Vicki Kennedy, and then the President. In a packed room, you could hear a pin drop. We still love our President in Massachusetts. I was worried about that. Unfortunately, it gave space for a antiabortion heckler to stand up and start shouting. The crowd drowned him out with shouts of Martha! Martha! Once he was removed, the room quiet again, a young girl started with the same stuff.

Seems they made the trip from California to let the President know they were opposed to abortion. Just one more right that could be up for grabs if Brown wins.

The polls are all over the place. Last one read? Brown is up 51 to 46. And it's suppose to snow tomorrow. Not good.

I don't want to have to fight for abortion rights all over again. It was an old, bad feeling going through that crowd. Smiling at people who sneer at you, knowing they love their superiority over your going to hell soul. You want to argue but you can't because you're afraid, physically, of what would happen.

It's a deep division. As Capuano said yesterday, the right always uses guns, god and gays to divide the country. My god is better than yours, and hates you, he said, instead of the real work of congress- health care, education, the economy.

In a little over twenty four hours, the results will start to trickle in. I do believe if we get enough voters to the actual polling place, we will win. Massachusetts has not undergone a personality change.

I hope.

NOM Loves Scott Brown

Oh, your girlie has been busy. No bon bons, no sitting in the sun in Hawaii... there is another political campaign and we gotta win.

You know, I simply could not put my heart into the Coakley race. Not again. And... it was a sure win. I was tired- no more for now. My kids needed my time, my wife, heck, my dog was looking at me like, hey, we used to walk in the woods. Remember me? It was time to settle at home, be happy being a housewife.

Right?

Nope. Scott Brown, a conservative nightmare that makes Mitt Romney look good, is closing in. Seems NOM (National Organization for Marriage- that's only boys and girls, just so ya know) is making robo calls for Mr. Brown.

Nice.

You know I can take this sitting down. Well, actually, I am sitting down but I have also given a couple of interviews.

http://www.keennewsservice.com/2010/01/16/mass-senate-race-now-includes-gop-gay-baiting/

That Sara Whitman is in fact, me. I am the Chair of Mass Equality. Shhh. Don't tell anyone.

And http://metroweekly.com/news/?ak=4804

Yup. Going viral with this. The guy is a right winger and runs around showing how he drives a truck in his ads. Nice truck but that doesn't make you a blue collar worker, bub.

He's a nightmare and it shouldn't be this close. It is and all we can do is get voters to the polls because I believe in my heart, Massachusetts would NEVER elect someone like this.

Not for Kennedy's seat. Not for Kerry's seat. Not ever.

Spread the word- please.

My heart is gone again. I won't breathe until Tuesday night when we win. And if we don't? Kiss health care reform goodbye. Kiss anything progressive goodbye- it's the swing vote. It will make Obama's re-election a mountain climb.

In the fabulous words of Soul II Soul, "Back to Life, Back to Reality..."

Playing Politics: It's Our Lives

Last night I read that 18 republican state senators from Iowa are introducing an amendment to ban "gay" marriage. I would like to remind them, it's not "gay" marriage, it's marriage equality. And since there isn't a hope in hell this will pass? You're playing politics with our lives.

Stop it.

This isn't about winning. This is about bravado and bullshit. It's about making resources scarce in an environment that is already difficult to fundraise money in. It's about shouting EVIL GAY MARRIAGE over and over to appeal to conservative donors. Voters? Maybe but it's really about the money. It always is.

I'm shocked Pat Robertson didn't throw teh gays in with Haiti's pact with the devil. I think that may be about an unchecked case of syphilis rather than money.

The bill itself won't get anywhere because Iowa just went through the vote, and the same people are in office. It takes 67% of the vote, I've been told. The only gain to be had is to spread mean-spirited, hateful messages.

Playing politics with our lives. Our safety. I've been told over and over, that when marriage equality is achieved in a state, more conservative states have an intense backlash against anything LGBT. Hate crimes are rising. Dr. Tam insists he can't testify in the Prop 8 trial for fear of his life- when was the last time anyone was killed for being an idiot?- two very real gay men have been killed in DC recently.

Seriously, not one anti-gay, hate spewing person has ever been killed for making their statements. I believe the level of violence has been documented as lawn sign stealing. Illegal, no question, but violent?

C'mon. Can we at least use a little common sense here?

Each hard fought vote is being put to test. It was here in Massachusetts and will be in every other state in the nation that passes marriage equality. I can't help but think of a quote, from 1992 about California politics at the time.

"Democracy is not freedom. Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to eat for lunch. Freedom comes from the recognition of certain rights which may not be taken, not even by a 99% vote. Those rights are spelled out in the Bill of Rights and in our California Constitution. Voters and politicians alike would do well to take a look at the rights we each hold, which must never be chipped away by the whim of the majority."

Two wolves and a lamb, indeed.

The political game, which I have admittedly played a deep role in, isn't simply about power. It's our lives. My kids lives.

Please stop.

California Prop 8 Trial: No One is Perfect

In California, the trial on the constitutionality of Proposition 8 is underway. Soon, in New Jersey, a similar trial will take place. The proponents of Prop 8 say that "states have a compelling interest to restrict marriage to heterosexual couples for the sake of procreation."

The Holy See has also weighed in with the same argument. The Pope "linked the Church's opposition to gay marriage to concern about the environment, suggesting that laws undermining "the differences between the sexes" were threats to creation."

Um, Mr. See? I have three children. Some would argue I've procreated a little too much, especially for the environment. And most of those pesky gay people who want to get married? It's because they have kids. Not all, by any means, but many.

Meanwhile, back in California, teh gays are being portrayed as perverts, pedophiles and basically degrading societies fabric by the very act of breathing. "Nancy Cott of Harvard University, presented a centuries-old history lesson on government regulation of marriage, even touching on President Bill Clinton's indiscretions to argue that the institution has evolved dramatically over time."

Ah, but she's a woman and we know how much the Catholic church likes women. Charles Cooper, the lead defense attorney, said "the limitation of marriage to a man and a woman is something that is universal throughout history and different cultures."

Cott quickly responded, "she was “amused” when she heard Cooper say that because “the Bible is a situation in which characters practice polygamy.” She said his statement was “inaccurate.”

A smart woman at that.

Some of the response by the opponents, in my opinion the good guys trying to achieve marriage equality, has disturbed me. Nate Silver, Mr. amazing statistical analysis, is making the point that states who have marriage equality have a lower divorce rate. I respect Silver's opinion, and know his numbers are correct but I am hesitant to take this angle with the argument.

As a parent, I am always worried that if my kids screw up in any way, I'll be seen as an example of why gay people shouldn't parent. The reality is, they will screw up, I will screw up, we are human beings- no better, no worse. Women have the right to vote and that doesn't mean all women are great voters. Or even vote for that matter. It's about equality, not living up to some standard of perfection.

The Goodridges, of Goodridge vs. MA Department of Health fame, the case that won marriage equality for the first time ever in this country, are divorced. As a long time friend, it was heartbreaking to me because I cared about them both very much. The reality, though, is I don't know a single couple married 19 years who haven't come close at one time or another to getting a divorce.

I did. A few years ago, my wife and I almost got to a point to where we couldn't go on. We were lucky, and we figured it out. Not everyone can, and not everyone should.

They were treated horribly in the press and by our community as if they would be the reason marriage equality would end. The right wing pounced on it, acting as if they had been married two years, when in fact, it was over 19.

Do we have to have perfect unions? If divorce rates go up, is it really because there is marriage equality? "In order to form a more perfect union," the preamble of our constitution, isn't about being perfect. It's about a goal. It is a work in progress. Anyone who has been married for any period of time, know it is a work in progress. Always.

This summer, Julie Goodridge went to a fundraising event in Provincetown where Lily Tomlin performed. After the show, Julie went up, introduced herself and thanked Tomlin for the show. Tomlin looked at her and said, "I really wish you hadn't gotten divorced. We wouldn't have lost California."

Really? Millions of California voters thought, damn, that couple got divorced, those gays don't deserve our sacred union. All they will do is divorce. Um, last I looked, Ms. Tomlin separated from her long time partner. What is that rule about glass houses?

As if straight people don't divorce all the time. Some for very legitimate reasons, such as getting married on a reality TV show called, "I married a stranger," having your friends and family pick out your spouse for you. After you pocket the cash, do you really stayed married? I don't think so.

Ah, that sacred institution. Good thing it's limited to heterosexuals for procreation and holding together that fabric of society.

The reality is, divorce is real. It happens. We are not perfect. Please don't expect us to be. We will marry too young, or drunk in Vegas, or on an impulsive whim and decide to get divorced. Being gay doesn't mean we have to live to a higher standard than heterosexuals. Not as parents and not as spouses.

We're doing the best that we can. The argument isn't about being better, it's about being equal. We deserve fair access to housing because we deserve to have housing, not because we will gentrify a neighborhood. We deserve to not be fired from jobs because of our choice of partner isn't relevant to our work performance, not because we're more creative, interesting people to work with. We don't need another stereotype of what gay people are, raising the bar higher for those of us who are basically boring, normal people who go to work, raise our families and have mismatching tableware in the kitchen cabinets.

The arguments in California, and across the country, need to focus on the fact that we are human beings. That there are real economic benefits to marriage given by the government, not some statistic that points to perfection. It's unconstitutional because we are citizens of this country and we deserve the same rights.

And by the way? We procreate, too.

Besides, the defense strategy is pathetic enough all on it's own.

Doing the Best I Can

Whoever said parenting is easy was smoking crack. The truth is, it breaks your heart over and over and over again.

My heart is broken.

And I'm really angry.

I'm torn about how much to say, as my kids do deserve some semblance of privacy. As a lesbian mom, I am always worried about anything negative that happens will be framed by the right wing as reason why we shouldn't parent.

The weight of having to be perfect is heavy. Ask the Goodridges.

The normal course of life, however, is that teenagers are difficult. All teenagers, regardless of their parents. Often in spite of their parents, to be perfectly honest. It's their job to be miserable, moody, impulsive, and our jobs to keep them safe.

We have entered the cat and mouse game of sexual activity. Parents are trying to keep their kids from having sex and of course, kids are trying to have sex at any possible moment.

Information, my friend who counsels high school kids said, is key.

Their bodies are no longer little- but their brains are, without a doubt, not fully developed. All the information in the world isn't going to stop them from being impulsive.

That doesn't make me a bad mother.

Right?

I feel like a bad mother. When I was growing up, the only talk about sex was... um... okay, there was never a talk about sex. I had a book placed on my pillow one night about girls and menstruation. The next day there were pads under the sink, along with a ridiculous belt you wore them with. I promised myself I would talk to my kids about sex in an age appropriate way, from the beginning.

I believe we have. While on vacation, I had to leave the table because I was having a majorly embarrassing womanly moment. Damn perimenopause means having a teenagers cycle again- crazy, completely unpredictable and accompanied by hot flashes. Jake asked me later why I left.

I was having a womanly moment.

What's that? he asked.

I said, you want me to talk about a woman's cycle and menstruation?

Jake stared laughing, Noooooo, not again!

I've tried. Sexual activity at a young age, however, is my Achilles heel. Is it consensual? Can it ever really be when you are only 14 and impulsive is the name of the game? Will it be a wonderful thing or a scarring thing?

I only know scars. I never want my kids to have scars.

But they will. And as much as I've tried to protect them, they will make bad choices and get hurt. Nothing to be done.

Thus the broken heart.

I am navigating a different world- kids meet on myspace, facebook, have relationships developed over the internet. I had a telephone in the kitchen, where my mother could hear every word I said, not to mention the party line. Is it fair to judge the quality of their relationships based on my experience? With video chatting, texting and IM's... who is to say that's not a way to get to know someone?

What are good boundaries anymore?

I don't expect my kids to wait until marriage to have sex. But I do expect them to be responsible, respectful and good lord, protected. Clearly, that doesn't always happen.

Thus the anger.

A very wise woman told me this morning, a mother of two adult sons, that mothers simply have a hard time trusting our sons. We question their ability to navigate the world. I said, well, considering half of the adult men I know act and think like teenagers, yes. I agree. I don't trust them.

She smiled and said, but you have to. For their sake.

Back to the broken heart.

Please forgive my being cryptic. Know that I have been to the very bottom of the parenting barrel for the last few days, feeling like the worst one ever. I know- it's not about me. I'm trying to crawl out of my narcissism and make sense of it all.

Brace myself for two more trips down this road. As Ben often points out to me, You've never had a teenager before!

So true. Problem is, I was one. And not necessarily a very well behaved one, contrary to his beliefs.

All I can know, in my heart, is that I'm doing the best that I can.

Yemen? Really?

Oil Tears

Boat, the woman said to her small toddler she was holding. See that? It's a boat...

I've been to many war memorials, having grown up with two great aunts who were members of the Daughters of the Confederacy and lived in Lynchburg, Virginia. But I have never heard something that made me as profoundly sad as a young mother pointing to the wreckage of the Arizona battleship in Pearl Harbor.

Boat? Not really anymore. Try graveyard. Try 1,177 dead men lying just below our feet.

I leaned over the railing and watched the small bubbles of oil come to the surface. Two quarts a day, they say, still rise from the ship. The sailors who survived say it's the tears of their fallen shipmates. That when the last survivor dies, oil will stop leaking. No attempt to clean it up will happen as it would disturb what is clearly a tomb.

Boat...

I was stunned by the indifference, the laughter and the chatting at the memorial. Maybe I was raised differently, maybe all those battlegrounds I visited as a small child, mostly just fields, described in hushed voices made me more sensitive to the countless lives lost.

We were the greatest nation in the greatest war, most say of WWII. The truth is, we avoided entering the conflict as long as possible. The truth is, we fought Japan over natural resources- and they attacked us because we cut off their oil supply. Even as they slaughtered people in China, we sent them oil. It wasn't until the Pacific islands came into question- rich with resources- did we get nervous.

There are some who say we knew about the concentration camps and turned a blind eye, not willing to enter the fight.

We are still at war over oil. Watching the small bubbles expand into a hue of bright colors on the water, I wondered what we have learned. Nine years into a war, what have we learned? We can say we care about Afghan's women and girls, Iraq's democracy but it's all bullshit.

We care about the oil.

On the back of each ticket for the Arizona memorial, there is a serviceman, his picture and his story on the day of the attack. How will we remember the men and women who have lost their lives in this war? Where will their stories be told?

Or have we gone so numb we point to a grave and say, "Boat" to our children?

No, I don't need a uniform for my falafel

Oh, sure, Morgan. You HAVE a uniform. I can see why it's not important to you.

I do so love a uniform. I'm sure it has something to do with deep seated issues with authority but I don't want to delve too deeply in it. I want to be able to smile when I see a woman in a crisp, fancy uniform.

Sometimes, perhaps, we need to not be such deep thinkers.

I spent a lot of time on vacation wondering about what I'm doing with my life. The kids kept teasing me that I have no job, and I am always on vacation. It stung. I thought maybe it would be better if I took a job somewhere, anywhere.

What am I doing with my life? What have I accomplished? Just a blogger, Zachary kept saying over and over. Not really a job, not something to take vacation from...

Ouch.

I sat on the beach and looked out to the waves for some kind of answer. Over and over, they simply crashed to the shore. Then Jake came, jumped on my shoulders and said, C'mon, Mom! Let's ride the waves!

That's it, I finally realized. It's not about having some great, defined answer. Not for me. Jeanine? She's on a track, wants a PhD, has specific goals for herself. I never have.

Except to be a good parent. A good partner and friend.

The goal is not to study from the beach, but to get in there and ride with my kids. Count three heads bobbing back up after a big, crashing twelve foot wave. I don't have all the answers as to why I am the way I am. I don't know that I ever will. But if I spend too much time thinking, I'll never live.

I do want a uniform with my falafel. I love a uniform. And riding big waves.