Sunday, February 07, 2010

Deep, Deep Lines

Do you ever feel old? I mean, old old. Like the lines in your face have deepened overnight, and you resembled carved sandstone.

Crumbling, easily etched.

I am feeling very old today. Before one cup of coffee, there was a big fight. Chairs toppled, doors slammed, holes punched into doors.

You know, I grew up with this shit. I don't like it. It sends me off into a dark place of feeling overwhelmed, and as if nothing will ever change. Unless I take off, run far far away.

I can't run away. There are no woods behind my house to take refuge in either. Now I am the grown up and I have to make it stop.

I'm tired. We have 40 people coming for the superbowl today. I was told the party would be ruined by the exact kind of behavior that I've been dealing with since 8:30AM. Part of me wants to cancel it all. But if I said the reason why, everyone would come anyway, to hold me. Hold my family.

I simply want to go back to sleep. Not that it's much relief- I kept waking up last night with body aches that made me cry out. It felt like a train had hit me.

Teenage train. A boy I have to constantly try to remember is my son, not my tormentor of years past. It's not easy to do. Not in the moment. Over and over, I tell myself, I am the grown up. I am not 12 and powerless.

The edge is on fire today in the house.

Deep, deep lines.

I want to cry out, I can't take anymore! You have to stop now! But I can't. I cannot be fragile. I need to be strong and withstand the storm because it is my job. It is my role. I will not be out of control. I will not shout back. I will stay calm.

And I will age ten years before the night comes.

I already have.


Anonymous donald said...

be strong, you will get through this! and by all means, don't cancel the party, that is exactly the type of disruption he is looking to inflict upon the rest of the family.

and by the way, i didn't notice any new or deeper lines yesterday when i saw you! believe me, i would notice!!

11:21 AM  
Anonymous Morgan said...

Send Mr. Ben to my house for a week's vacation.

11:34 AM  
Anonymous donald said...

or send him up to me in what he calls "amishland" for a week, see how he likes that.

11:46 AM  
Anonymous Morgan said...

Donald, I can truly drop him off with the Amish here. After that he will believe your place is West Hollywood!

12:11 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

so tempting. so very very tempting.

12:42 PM  
Anonymous lez zorba said...

"Raising kids is part joy, part guerilla warfare." Ed Asner

There for you. ps- have singles!

1:43 PM  
Blogger Zach said...

Powerful post. I wish your son could see it. I hope the rest of the day has gone better.

5:29 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

actually, I went to pick up the buffalo wings from my favorite place, and I could smell the wings a block and a half away.

that put a smile on my face.

and then the waitress inside had on a shirt that said, "I hate peyton manning" on one side, and "Eli sucks too" on the other.

that made me laugh.

then we had a great party. funny, ben sat next to me all night. all night.

6:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

great read. I would love to follow you on twitter. By the way, did you guys hear that some chinese hacker had hacked twitter yesterday again.

1:17 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

ah, twitter... I'm just not there. not sure I'll ever be there.

I do post often short updates on facebook, though.

2:40 PM  

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