Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The Glass Ceiling: 18 Million Cracks and Counting

In Senator Clinton’s speech on Saturday, when she gave up her place in the race for President and gave her support to Senator Obama, she mentioned not having broken the “glass ceiling.”

But she had made “18 million cracks in it.”

I’ve thought a lot about Clinton’s speech- at least what I’ve read, the clips I’ve seen. I could not watch it. It made me too sad. I believe she was the stronger and better of the candidates. I believe she was electable.

Mostly, though? She was a woman. As my friend said to me when I was considering who to vote for, whom to support, you’ve waited your whole life to see a woman in this place.

I have.

As a kid, I never understood why women or girls were treated differently. I could throw just as far and spit just as well. I knew when my mother would say girls don’t do that… if I asked why… I was fortunate in that she thought about it and if she couldn’t come up with an answer that made any sense, she let me do it.

As a young woman, I found myself bound by gender definitions that did not fit me. While it was acceptable to be a ‘tom boy’ as a girl, growing into adulthood, the expectations came crashing down on me. As I reached puberty, I was to be more feminine. I was expected to wear make up. I was expected to wear dresses in certain social situations. In my first job after college, my review included a note to be more feminine in appearance. My work was exceptional- but they requested more skirts, perhaps some heels.

I was a catering manager. I worked 12-hour days on my feet. Heels?

While my fellow co-worker, who wore the same suit day in and day out, with comfortable shoes, received a glowing review.

It didn’t matter how he looked as long as he was neat. Groomed.

I was neat and groomed. I wore tailored women’s suits- just with pants instead of skirts. It wasn’t good enough.

I began to see how the world was made to fit men. Silly things, like the fact that our zippers are on the side or in the back of our clothes. More serious things like our legal rights to decide about our bodies being defined by government.

Can you image laws protecting sperm?

Why not?

Because, as I’ve found over and over again in my life, the gender roles women have been assigned are to keep power firmly in the hands of men.

As a parent, I have become keenly aware of gender roles and identification. Raising three boys, I see how being labeled “feminine” or in any way female is a disgrace to them. Sissy, wimp, Nancy boy… all references to a male as being less than, not good enough.

All references to a male being female.

Why?

After all, women can give birth, heal in a short period of time, and feed a human infant for up to a year without anything but her body.

Is that a definition of weakness? Or power?

Why is it okay to call a woman a bitch, to comment on her clothes, laugh and hairstyle instead of taking her seriously as a candidate? Or worse- making it part of the serious discussion or her as a candidate?

Why did my son tell me, Mom, Clinton will never win. She’s a woman.

At 12 years old.

Girls may outperform boys in schools but the lessons being taught are far from anything we want our girls to learn. Just as a system that creates a 70% failure rate in African American boys has been successfully designed to fail those children, a system that sends girls out into the world with straight A’s only to face from boardroom to courtroom, from pregnancy to contraception, from unequal pay to domestic violence, being handed the short end of the stick.

How do we dissect what is being taught to girls? And boys? How do we look at the gender role creation in our society? How do we evaluate all of our lives with a gender lens?

As I said to a friend yesterday, it’s not simply about sexism. It’s not only about the negative images but also about what are we reinforcing as positive behavior. Why are girls getting “good grades” and still unable to break through glass ceilings? How is our educational system failing girls?

And in turn, failing boys?

Personally, I don’t want women’s power to be defined as what a white man has. I don’t want that- it’s only led to haves and have nots, war and caste systems that have served no one but the master on top. Women are more intuitive, creative and linear is only something you hang laundry on outside. We value our children and instinctively move to protect them, protect the future of humanity. We move in public and private roles, often at great cost.

We must do more, be more conscious and question the roles we learn at 3, 4 and 5 years old. Gender is not biological but a social construct. We must find a way to teach our girls and boys the value of women’s roles and the power behind them. We must flip the images on their side and reconsider what they mean.

Because, clearly, 18 million cracks in the glass ceiling is not enough to crash it down.

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Saturday, March 08, 2008

A Moment, Please, To Remember

I had a reminder this morning, of why I care so much about who gets elected this fall. Why I care so much about the political landscape of this country.

Because I care deeply what kind of world my kids are growing up in. What kind of country they are growing up in.

This morning, it was reported by the LA Times, that Larry King had responded to the taunts of teasing by his male classmates by flirting with them.

Not only did this kid have the guts to go to school dressed in a way that displayed pride in the face of serious adversity, he fought back with the only thing he had- himself.

He was the kind of kid I’d love to know. Someone brash, and loud, and unafraid to take whatever gets thrown his way. It is familiar to me- I fought back in such a similar way and continue to, day after day.

There are a lot of Larry Kings out there.

I watch my oldest son, desperately wanting to be popular, to be seen as cool, and cute, and important. I see a very lonely kid. A kid struggling to fit in, to make sense of the world, to have the world make sense of him.

And still love him.

I imagine Larry had similar struggles.

It breaks my heart.

I’m concerned for my son. I want to give him the best tools to go out and face the world, whatever his gender identity and sexuality might be. He may be straight. He may be gay. He may be twelve and struggling with a narrowly defined world boys must live in to be accepted.

I don’t know. Neither does he.

But as I read the LA Times piece today, I was reminded of why I care so much about the political landscape of this country. Why I write passionately about the campaigns taking place today.

I want him to be safe.

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Sunday, February 17, 2008

Sticks, Stones and Dead Boys Bones

I love Ben's videos. This one is a little long, but if you hang on, Jake comes in the background and annoys him- welcome to my world.




And it is the reason why I am so afraid for him. After hearing about the boy who hung himself, Jeanine turned to me, looked at Ben and said, Well... we're doing okay, aren't we?

After he taped the video, he came running downstairs with lipstick and asked me to put it on.

No, thank you. Once a year, that's it for me.

C'mon, Mom, just put some on...

I couldn't write about Lawrence King's murder until yesterday. I still can't really touch on my own fears for my son.

When Ben was in pre-school, he wanted to dress up as Blossom for Halloween. Blossom was the head Power Puff girl. He loved her. I bought the costume.



Then I sat him down and said, Some people might not understand why a boy would want to be Blossom.

He didn't care. Blossom was his favorite character.

I remember shrugging and saying, I think you look great. But, I want you to know, someone might tease you about it.

Blossom was one tough chick.

He doesn't dress in pink anymore, or wear heels or make up, like Lawrence King. His budding sexuality is being expressed towards girls, for the time being.

And he is constantly anxious.

I don't have to tell him it's not safe. He knows.

He also loves posting on YouTube. He is a ham, at heart and incredibly creative. He has always been too afraid to join a theater club, but has a new outlet for his desire to be a star.

His friends have his address.

All I can say is it was a lot easier to walk him around as Blossom on Halloween night, armed with a firm look to all the people who opened the door to my boy dressed in pink.

Sticks and stones
may break my bones
but words will never hurt me


Unfortunately, now kids are carrying guns.

And we're left to bury the dead boys bones.

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Monday, February 11, 2008

Dolly Parton and Me

The one thing that always amuses me, is when I'm wearing something tight on top? No one ever confuses me for a man.

That would be due to the enormous shelf I'm hoisting around.

Just like Dolly Parton. Poor dear, she's had to postpone her tour by 6 to 8 weeks due to back problems.

"Hey, you try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don't have back problems," the folksy singer-songwriter said in a statement.

Amen, sister.

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Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Pop, Lock and Drop It

I love my job. I do. I cannot imagine doing anything else. I’ve always explained to my kids that I write, I serve on several foundation boards and I’m trying hard to have a positive impact on the world.

Today, I’m not so sure.

Ben came home yesterday, waltzed into my office and said to me, Are you a stay at home mom?

I said, No, I work at home.

So you’re a stay at home mom.

No, I work at home. My office is in my house. You are standing in it. But when you all were little, I was a stay at home mom. My full time job was taking care of you all. It’s not anymore.

Stay at home mom, he nodded confidently and walked away.

Today? He came in my office again.

MOM, what did you DO?

I got a haircut, Ben.

OH GOD… please don’t wear that fleece out anywhere, okay?

I have on my wife’s bulky, black and white checked fleece. It’s very warm and after having hot flashes to heat a small city this morning, I needed something more than the tee shirt I was wearing.

My hair is now short again. After two years of having it halfway down my back- okay, not really that long but it felt that way- I cut it off into a new, sassy do.

At least that’s what my stylist said.

Ben…

Okay, just wear a pink tank top. You know, layered look.

BEN…

But mom… it’s so short. People are going to think you are a boy.

Ben, people called me sir when my hair went halfway down my back. It’s the way I look. Now please, I’m trying to finish up…

I’m just sayin’

BEN, it hurts my feelings. Can you please lay off the pink tank tops and terrible hair comments? I know I’m not pretty…

Oh, but you are mom. If you didn’t look like a boy.

BEN! DROP IT!

At that point, he ran out of the office.

This is from a kid whose pants don’t cover his rear end.

Maybe I need a new job. One that takes me out of my home to a place where no one requires me to wear a pink tank top or comments on my hair style.

Or a lock on my office door.

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Thursday, January 24, 2008

Popular Party

The babysitter just filled us in about Ben's desire to have a "popular party."

Ben's term.

He only wants the popular kids here. He was on his cell phone all night trying to arrange it- while Jeanine and I were out.

Hmmm. Popular party? I don't think so.

It hits a nerve. I was never very popular. Sure, I wore the shirts with the little alligator on them. I wore the topsiders. I drove a bright green Chevy Chevette.

Okay, that was NEVER going to make me popular.

But I was also a lesbian, knew I was a lesbian, and struggling to maintain my closet. I was asked to a popular party once. My good friend Suzy's younger sister- who was my age- was THE popular girl in my class. I was hooked up.

It terrified me. They would all know I was a lesbian and then tell the whole school and I would be so tormented even the AV boys wouldn't talk to me.

No way.

Now, I have to say, only Ben and his friend is interested in this party. She's a lovely young girl I have had the chance to spend some time with and... I'd say she has some issues around gender/sexuality.

Just like Ben.

I'm not surprised there are very specific lines drawn by the two of them- but I am dismayed. Would you not invite this friend or that one? Kids you've known since you were a toddler? Who determines "popular?"

And the reality, I know, that when you try this hard? You always fall hard on your face.

Stay tuned... I am going to have a conversation with him tomorrow.

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Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Ben and the Mink


I know the world is going to hell in a hand basket. Citigroup lost billions. Stock market is tanking, oil prices rising, and average Americans who thought they might retire someday are realizing it's a ridiculous, outdated notion.

I know there are bigger fish to fry, like Mitt Romney over pretty much anything that comes out of his mouth. Or Huckabee's connection with various religious extremists. Or McCain's inability to string a sentence together without the clear desire to use a profanity.

Not that I mind that- it actually makes me like him.

But today I realized, I have to do something about my son Ben and the mink coat my mother left me.

He was on his way to pick up his brother's at after school- it's a block away from home and he is old enough to do this "errand" for me. He opened the closet for a coat.

Mom? Can I wear the mink?

I paused a moment- it is an expensive coat. Not that I ever wear it.

Yes.

Really?

Sure.

Then he paused a moment.

Nah, just kidding.

He looked longingly at the coat in the closet.

Should I just give him the coat? Take it somewhere and have it refashioned into a men's style?

The gender rules he's struggling with right now are so painful. I know he wants the coat. I know he wanted to wear it, just the way it is. It's soft, smells great and is so warm. When he puts it on, he does a little twirl.

He loves it.

(All the PETA members can settle down- these minks have been dead since about 1950. The coat has been refashioned more than once. Let's not have the minks have died in vain.)

On one hand, you don't hand a kid who never hangs anything up, a coat worth a lot of money. In our neighborhood, no one is walking around wearing mink coats. Not adults, not kids- no one.

On the other, for him it's a beautiful thing. It's secretly feminine in his mind. No one knows it's a "girl" thing and he can get away with it. It's like being a lesbian and wearing men's boxer shorts.

Not that I know anything at all about that.

I want to help him find ways to express himself that won't get him teased, taunted or humiliated. He's riding high on being "popular" and it's a position that he's worked hard to achieve. It also makes him tense about every moment and every choice around his presentation in the world.

It's not earth shattering, to be certain. It's only a coat. Ben is 12 and he's been making these choices since he was two years old. He's struggled with what is expected of him as a boy, what his heart tells him and the reality of him having to make a choice to express it. Our society accepts masculine girls (as long as they grow out of it) but not feminine boys. Go to any preschool and count the girls in jeans and sneakers.

Count the boys wearing dresses and tights.

I want him to grab the mink and wear it. And my pearls, which he's eyed at different times. I want him to say fuck it to all the rules and be who he wants to be, wear the clothes he wants and do his little twirl in public. It doesn't make him gay, it doesn't make him unmanly, it just makes him someone with a highly developed sense of style and fashion.

And I know what would happen if he did.

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