Honesty and Transparency
A friend- the same friend who warned me to not just feel, yell and act- told me to read Plan B by Annie Lamott.
There is a passage about her mother's ashes that made me feel okay with my struggle to love my mother, to hate my mother, to put her memory in the right place.
Left with the fury of loss, she put her mother's ashes in the closet.
"So I left her in the closet for two years to stew in her own ashes, and I refused to be nice to her, and didn't forgive her for being a terrifed, furious, clinging, sucking maw of need and arrogance. I suppose that sounds harsh. I assumed Jesus wanted me to forgive her, but I also know he loves honestly and transparency. I don't think he was rolling his eyes impatiently at me while she was in the closet. I don't think much surprises him: this is how we make important changes- barely, poorly, slowly. And still, he raises his fist in triumph."
So to all those people who want me to remember nice things and nice things only- I have yet to begin this grieving process. I feel the pressure to forgive before I am ready to forgive. I loved my mother and she loved me. But like a garden long overgrown, there is a lot of weeding to do before I find the beauty.
Don't push me.