Priorities and Limitations

I can’t help but think about Jeanine’s priority list. I’m after the kids- fine- and after work.

Not fine.

And that’s the way it will always be, she said. It’s not realistic to think otherwise.

Hanging out with the kids the last couple days has been fun- at least when they are not whining or fighting, which has been most the time. When they are gone, though, how will I feel about being the priority after work? I won’t have anything to fill my days the way the kids do. Sure, I love to write, and have a lot of work, too.

But…

I don’t want work to come before me. I want to be thought of first. I want to be negotiated with before a promise is made to some employer. I understand how passionate she is about work but I want to come first.

Being the giant narcissist that I am, I have limitations.

Honestly, I do not want her to follow me around like a puppy all day- I have an intense need to be alone, to have private time. I want to be considered first, that’s all. I don’t want to be told, over and over again, here are the limits to what I can do because of work.

Jeanine wants me to accept that work is her mistress. It is. With promises of acceptance, accolades and financial rewards, her mistress is a voice with which I cannot compete.

I’m the wife, the mother of her children, frumpy, aging, bitch at home that complains when she’s late, complains when she’s gone and is always asking for more than she can give.

Which would you choose?

Jeanine’s mom has said to me, over and over, it’s the way she’s always been. As a little girl, she never had one project going on, but many. She would take over large parts of the house with her things. It’s Jeani, she says to me with a shrug.

I know it is. It’s part of why I love her. Well, I don’t love the behavior but the passion from which it comes. But I want to be more important than work. I want to be the top priority, after the kids. Doesn’t mean there won’t be many projects strewn about the house. Doesn’t mean she won’t have just as much going on.

It means work will not be her mistress. It will only be a friend.

I can’t sit back quietly and accept being third. Like I said, I have my limitations.