To be Grateful

My sister just gave me a lecture on being grateful. I've been struggling with what is the right thing to be doing, where I should put my time, my energy not to mention if I have to go to the grocery store and buy the same five apples, six bananas and box of crackers I'm going to lose my mind.

People are losing everything, she reminded me. You have so much.

I know. It does not mean I do not crash into a serious funk about my life.

I don't feel like I do enough. It leads to an inability to say no to anything.

But that's not the point today- today it is about listing five things I am grateful for. I could take the easy way out and list family, friends, health, financial security, and a great dog.

She really is a great dog.

I am grateful for those things. Deeply.

It's about looking deeper than that without letting the negative voice in my head overrule the positives. Not really my strong point, but I'm going to try...

I am grateful I have a loving wife who listens to me until midnight struggle with my identity, even though she's listened to the same words for 18 years. She is compassionate when she has every right to be annoyed.

I am grateful I get to choose every day what my life will be, even though I don't always make good choices. It is a blessing I struggle with because I know those to much is given, much is expected.

I am grateful I have had the time and ability to work on my issues so I can hear and see my children for who they are, not my own projections of what I want them to be, or need them to be. My damage is a deep scar that has no business being the lens I see them through.

I am grateful for all the kind words my mother said to me. Over time, I am able to erase the negatives, the shame, and connect the beauty and love. I'm not sure the picture will ever be completely clear, but there were golden nuggets along the line that I believe came from her truest self.

I am grateful for my ability to write. While I am not always respectful of it, as it has come naturally without much effort to me my whole life, somewhere inside I know it's a gift. It takes having someone look me in the eyes and say thank you. Those moments are hard to take in because they are words I longed to hear from my mother-the nugget does not exist in the string I hold dear.

My sister also reminded me that success in life is not always measured by six figure salaries and fancy homes. It is about being a good person, every day. Saying something kind.

You can't fix everything, she said. Stop beating yourself up because you can't. It takes away from the beauty of what you do.

Beauty? I'm not sure about that. Folded laundry and a car with new oil doesn't feel beautiful.

I am humbled, though, by her reminder to be grateful.