Monday, September 28, 2009

Good, Bad, Beautiful and Ugly



What a day.

Let me start with some of the good stuff- my sister is happily ensconced in Ogunquit, and we spent her first weekend there with her, helping her get settled. The boys were all tremendously good all day yesterday, even with the rain. Last night, they were singing goofy songs and recording them on the computer.

Sometimes, they actually all enjoy being with each other - as long as no one else sees it happen. It was especially sweet to see Ben let go and be himself. He is, deep down, kind and gentle.

I'm going to be up in Maine next weekend, doing something, somewhere, to help with the ballot. I have felt incredibly anxious about getting there and actually working. I cannot let my most favorite state in the country go to the wolves of ignorance.

My sister is getting better. Every day is an improvement and while we don't talk about long term, we can talk about today. Today is good.

But when we got home today, Zachary and I looked all over for Charlotte Rose. She's the skinny sister of the two foster cats we adopted. About a month ago, in a regular vet visit, we found she had a serious heart problem. Every day, we've been giving her medicine, and when it actually got in her- she was not a fan of taking pills, lemme tell you- it seemed to help. Zachary couldn't find her- but I did. She was curled up, seemed asleep but she was dead.

Jeanine was here in the morning and heard her and Darcy, her sister, playing around, as they often did. Obviously, she went to nap. A few hours later, she was gone.

I've picked my cat, when I was still living at home, off the road after being hit by a car. I remember how devastating it was to hold her as she died. Nothing I could do. I held my sister's cat, just a few months ago, with it's neck broken from the dog, in a mixture of shock, outrage and guilt. It felt so small and helpless. Today, though, I found a 16 year old cat, who lived a long and good life, curled up in a favorite spot, gone.

I'm sad but mostly, I'm relieved. I'm glad Zachary didn't find her. I'm glad she was asleep. I'm glad I had the chance to have her as my kitty for a little while. She was a little arrogant (in a good, cat way) and loved to sleep under the covers. She was the smaller of the two sisters, but she always beat the crap out of the big one- but they never once drew blood or used their claws on each other.

Just like sisters, you know?

She loved to sit on my desk in the afternoon sun. Always, always on the pile of papers I was working on.

I'll miss her.

As if the Fates needed to drive it home to me once again, I hold the reality that sometimes life is good, bad, beautiful and ugly all in the same moment.

Got it.

16 Comments:

Anonymous donald said...

sounds like she had the perfect ending to a long and happy life, play with your sister, lie down for a nice snooze, go peacefully to the next level.

been thinking of people to get cathy connected to in ogunquit, don't want her feeling lonely there.

8:04 AM  
Anonymous Heidi said...

Oh, sweet kitty... so sorry Sara.

9:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

another dead cat. sorry to hear.

10:10 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

I'd bet that anon comment is from my high school friend michele...

5:18 PM  
Blogger Michele said...

Sara...I am not cruel, just wigged out by kittens:) You are such an eloquent writer..I felt your day through your words.........and I am sorry for your loss (REALLY) and proud to call you friend.......High School and today! And for the record....I am too brave to hide behind "Anonymous" :)

9:11 PM  
Blogger Suzy said...

even when they come into our lives for a very short time they some how wrap themselves around our hearts whether we like it or not. sorry to hear about the cat. hugs.

10:44 PM  
Blogger Geezees Geezees Custom Canvas Art said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your cat...how sad!

10:59 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

and for the record, NO, the picture was NOT taken when she was dead. that was where she was always perched, on my desk, on my papers...

I'm weird but not that weird...

2:00 PM  
OpenID nailingjello said...

I have been trying to come up with some profound comment for a couple of days now, because it is so heartbreaking to have an animal that you have loved and cared for die. But you totally made me laugh with your last comment, Sara. My Mom always used to take pictures of our dog when he was sleeping on the floor and it always looked like he was dead.

A twisted memory, I know, but it made me smile through this sadness.

4:53 PM  
OpenID nailingjello said...

I have been trying to come up with some profound comment for a couple of days now, because it is so heartbreaking to have an animal that you have loved and cared for die. But you totally made me laugh with your last comment, Sara. My Mom always used to take pictures of our dog when he was sleeping on the floor and it always looked like he was dead.

A twisted memory, I know, but it made me smile through this sadness.

4:54 PM  
OpenID nailingjello said...

Sorry 'bout that. It told me it couldn't publish. Lyin' blogger.com!

4:56 PM  
Blogger lilacsandy said...

Can't think of a better way to go. Peacefully in your sleep, after a long and happy life. Rest in peace kitty. You loved her and cared for her and gave her a happy life. You could do no more...

5:33 PM  
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