The Pressure to Perform
I was just told by my lovely son Ben how he is going to get me some wrinkle cream for Christmas. He pointed to my forehead, my eyes, and said... here and here...
Just sayin', Mom.
Nice.
So poetry and beautiful words were easy in Downeast. Now we are home, back in Newton, back to reality. Not so easy anymore.
The reality is, I have a relatively small house. Built in 1910, rooms are small. It has not been added on, with the exception of a horrid addition in about 1970. Think fake wood and stucco.
It's packed to the gills with Jeanine's studio, studio stuff, old computers who are her long lost children, probably close to 500 technical manuals... my sweetie is a pack rat. I need her mom to come up and toss stuff.
She won't yell at her mom.
And her mom is the only one who can yell at her about all the crap she has everywhere.
It would be great to think Jake and Zachary could seamlessly share a room. That's not the case. The basement has to be cleaned up so the drums can fit there. Then rooms, beds, desks, shifted, balanced... in the meantime, Jake tells me he's not brushed his teeth for the last week because he couldn't find a toothbrush.
Ew. I mean... ew ew ew.
The camp laundry has been fermenting for an additional two weeks and I can barely stand the smell as I stuff it into the washer. Most loads have to be done twice. The towels all need to become cleaning rags because they are too far gone.
I'm trying to fit in a depressed, sick woman into this. I love my sister. There is no question. But I find myself beyond stressed in trying to make it all happen. Jeanine and I had a terrible fight last night. Steam popping from both of us, for no real reason except the pressure to perform.
Did I mention the Maine Campaign is in full swing and I've promised to work as hard as I can for it? I believe in Maine, I believe the vote can be won. But it won't be easy.
I want to open my house and I don't want to open it right this second. I'm caught without a moment to breathe, a desk full of promises and bills, my mother's estate, now years later, finally wrapping up.
And I have wrinkles. Clearly, bad ones.
One of the old cats (not the fat one, she's healthy as a horse) has heart issues and I have to chase her around twice a day and get some pills into her. Take her to the vet for another chest xray. Doing better, still not the best. My god, I think. She's 16 and still breathing. Still quite content to sit on my keyboard as I try to type. That's better enough for me.
It all felt doable in Downeast. It was simply a question of opening arms, and wanting to. Here I realize, it's not that easy. I finish a conference call and have to see if I'm headed to the emergency room today or not. Ben is hanging out with friends, Zachary and Jake over to Tom's Pizza for a slice, have the dogs gone out?
I love my sister. But I have no idea how I'm going to do all this.
Just sayin', Mom.
Nice.
So poetry and beautiful words were easy in Downeast. Now we are home, back in Newton, back to reality. Not so easy anymore.
The reality is, I have a relatively small house. Built in 1910, rooms are small. It has not been added on, with the exception of a horrid addition in about 1970. Think fake wood and stucco.
It's packed to the gills with Jeanine's studio, studio stuff, old computers who are her long lost children, probably close to 500 technical manuals... my sweetie is a pack rat. I need her mom to come up and toss stuff.
She won't yell at her mom.
And her mom is the only one who can yell at her about all the crap she has everywhere.
It would be great to think Jake and Zachary could seamlessly share a room. That's not the case. The basement has to be cleaned up so the drums can fit there. Then rooms, beds, desks, shifted, balanced... in the meantime, Jake tells me he's not brushed his teeth for the last week because he couldn't find a toothbrush.
Ew. I mean... ew ew ew.
The camp laundry has been fermenting for an additional two weeks and I can barely stand the smell as I stuff it into the washer. Most loads have to be done twice. The towels all need to become cleaning rags because they are too far gone.
I'm trying to fit in a depressed, sick woman into this. I love my sister. There is no question. But I find myself beyond stressed in trying to make it all happen. Jeanine and I had a terrible fight last night. Steam popping from both of us, for no real reason except the pressure to perform.
Did I mention the Maine Campaign is in full swing and I've promised to work as hard as I can for it? I believe in Maine, I believe the vote can be won. But it won't be easy.
I want to open my house and I don't want to open it right this second. I'm caught without a moment to breathe, a desk full of promises and bills, my mother's estate, now years later, finally wrapping up.
And I have wrinkles. Clearly, bad ones.
One of the old cats (not the fat one, she's healthy as a horse) has heart issues and I have to chase her around twice a day and get some pills into her. Take her to the vet for another chest xray. Doing better, still not the best. My god, I think. She's 16 and still breathing. Still quite content to sit on my keyboard as I try to type. That's better enough for me.
It all felt doable in Downeast. It was simply a question of opening arms, and wanting to. Here I realize, it's not that easy. I finish a conference call and have to see if I'm headed to the emergency room today or not. Ben is hanging out with friends, Zachary and Jake over to Tom's Pizza for a slice, have the dogs gone out?
I love my sister. But I have no idea how I'm going to do all this.
posted by Sara at 11:53 AM
24 Comments:
You will find hidden resources of strength, and grace and peace will find you in the oddest places, at the strangest times, and you will do this becuase you love her. It won't be enough, but it will.
FYI: HOT HOT water, detergent, and a cup (a full cup) of baking soda in the longest wash cycle you have. It will save the towels. I promise.
take a deep breath, you can do this! you have lots of people that will help out, you just need to ask!
did you say you can get a copy of the ad that maine equality is playing on tv now? it is great, would make a nice post here and on facebook.
Ahem.
I'd get him in the car, and drive by the orphanage. "that's where kids end up when their mom throws them out of the house. I'm just saying".
sheesh. ;-)
Hire some household help. Seriously. You CANNOT do it all by yourself. Sometimes grace is found in asking others for help. Teach the boys to do their own laundry. Baking soda is a good idea- so is Oxyclean, say what you will about Billy Mays.
You may have to let some things go right now. You know that so let them go and don't waste energy fighting.
And after all that blah, blah, blah, I just want to say I'm thinking of you and your beautiful life-worn face.
I had the great pleasure of assisting a friend of mine at "The Bite of Seattle" one year. She had just started a resturant and decided entering the festival would be great for her endeavor. She asked, I said sure I'd help, thinking I would be doing something mundane in the back of the booth. My assistance consisted of taking orders at the counter, making change and delivering the food. Yikes! There were thousands of people standing in front of that booth. It was very overwhelming. As long as I set my sights on the one person in front of me, I could continue the task. Oh, I still knew all the others were behind that one person, but it just help me to concentrate on the one right there and complete the task more efficiently in order to accomplish the big picture. When something came up I needed help with, I immediately asked. I knew I couldn't allow myself to get bogged down on one issue. This is long and insignificant to what you are faced with. There is a meaning to it though and as Donald states "you just need to ask". It is only you that expects you to do it all by yourself. Only you. We are waiting to know where you need us.
Enjoy your time with your sister. If you believe the time will not be long, treasure every moment. I am sure many are willing to help you. You said your sister has always relied on the help and strength of strangers, maybe that help is still available for her, it would take away a little bit of the pressure on you.
Life is full of challenges, each one makes us stronger and wiser. Don't worry about the tally marks of experience. It is a gift.
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