Now? Please?

I love my children.

I do.

And I want them back in school... NOW.

I'm out of sorts, out of rhythm, out of my mind.

"Batman" is running around the house- I had to pull him in for a lice check. Jake and his friend are shrieking with delight because Batman is chasing them. Ben is miserable because we've started to wake him before noon so the shock of the school schedule won't kill him.

Or us.

Did I mention the screaming? Yelling? Noise?

And the scratching. That would be me, constantly, as I am certain I have a thousand lice running all through my hair. A friend said if I was worried, I should lather my hair in mayonnaise, put a swim cap on for an hour.

I guess I'm not that worried.

Jeanine looked in the refrigerator and asked, Will Miracle Whip work?

She's itching, too. Which is a little odd because she did not cut Zachary's hair, pick out the nits or wash his clothes.

Did I say I need vacation to be over NOW?

The Reality Comes Crashing In

I officially miss my kids.

Maybe it's because Jeanine is back in Boston today, working, and I'm up in Maine with all the animals. Maybe it's because I received two letters from Jake and one from Zachary today.

Jake drew a picture of a tree, and then wrote a note requesting a care package: an action figure, the newspaper, a bathrobe and "sum pichers of the cats."

The newspaper?

Yes, I sent him without a bathrobe because he insisted he didn't want one. Not that I'm feeling guilty.

Action figure.... do you think he means this?



The special edition "Crazy Cat Lady?" Or is that too much like his mother? And look, she has a bathrobe, too.

Zachary wrote me, in typical Zachary fashion:

Dear Mom S,
I have sent out a letter and in my care package I would have the marvel bat 2 magic decks. Mom you can find them at Newberry Comics. Oh and some candy and comics.

Love, Zack

His required letter sending had taken place. I did send out care packages but before I received the letters. Allan is at work locating the marvel bat 2 magic cards from Newbury Comics. I'm surprised he didn't say, second shelf, to the left.

As Jeanine and I walked onto Ogunquit Beach yesterday, we watched cute little children playing in the sand happily. Jeanine sighed.

I miss the kids.

I rolled my eyes.

As Jeanine and I walked off the beach, late in the day, we watched no longer cute little children crying and screaming as their weary parents were trying to get them packed up for home.

Okay, I don't miss the kids, Jeanine said.

Today, armed with letters and faced with an old cat who insists on sitting on my lap even though it is 100 degrees, I miss my kids. The shooting at the Unitarian Church has left me feeling more susceptible. My idea of a safe place has been jarred. While the idea of anyone doing harm at a YMCA camp in the Berkshires is fairly remote, I think about Ben at Camp OUT.

All the kids at Camp OUT. They are all kids of LGBT parents. None of them chose to be a kid of a LGBT parent but there they are, hanging out together, trying to make sense of it all.

Are they targets? Should I not write about it? Should it be a top secret place no one knows about?

Maybe it's easier to shuffle my worries into a box called "I miss my kids." It normalizes the anxiety I feel about their safety in a world where LGBT people are still targets for extreme hate crimes.

A world I'm watching my oldest son come closer and closer to joining as different and there is not a single thing I can do to make it easier, keep him safe, or shelter him from what is to come.

A world that will take my other two sons confidence and comfort with their family structure and toss it in the air. No positive images on the daily news, only kids killed for being different, crazy people charged with hate coming into their churches.

When will Zachary's "Day of Silence" become a year of silence because to speak up is too challenging?

When will Jake's easy response, I have two moms and two dads, turn into a guarded shrug?

Like I said, it is easier to simply say, I miss my kids.

Otherwise, the reality comes crashing in, I am paralyzed by fear and the people who hate win.

First Letter from Camp

Jake sent me my first news from Camp. Looks good to me.

Three Days...

It's been three days since Jake and Zachary were dropped off at camp. I miss them, sure, but I do enjoy the quiet mornings. And it is quiet around here until about 11AM, when Ben finally rolls out of bed.

And then it begins.

Mom? What are you doing?

Writing.

Your job is really boring. Do you know how boring it is?

Uh... I like my job.

Don't you wish you had your old job back? (My former boss was at the house last night.)

No. I like my job. Besides, then you'd be in camp because I'd be at an office.

(Friend) is at camp. I bet she's bored.

I simply shrug. I'm pretty certain I know who is bored. It's not his friend and it's not me.

Can I have a Red Bull?

No.

Yesterday, he came home hopped up on AMP- two cans of it on an empty stomach. Not such a good decision, I pointed out when he could not sit still.

Oh, come on, how about a four pack?

I smile, No way.

Can I make bread sticks?

I had gone to the grocery store with Ben the other day and mysteriously came home with quite a bit of junk food- like Pillsbury bread sticks in a can.

Sure.

Two seconds later, he's back in my office.

Can you help me twist them?

Sure.

We stand at the kitchen counter, twisting the sticky dough and talking about movies, shopping and what he wanted for dinner. Mostly, the conversation is Ben's requests for R rated movies, expensive Jordan Air sneakers, and the 99 Restaurant.

I didn't say no a lot. I listened and nodded. Well, I did say no to the R rated movies. The shoes I asked about but made no comments to their expense and how pigs would fly before I spent that much on shoes that he will outgrow in 6 months- or less.

Why the 99?

French Onion soup. I love their French Onion soup.

There are other places that serve an even better one...

Lemme guess, you don't like the 99?

Not really.

Always fresh for you, right? No prepackaged food... except these bread sticks.

Um... you talked me into the bread sticks.

He laughed. And the Cheetos. Can we go get some soda? No, wait, Red Bull. I really want to try Red Bull. Please, Mom?

And so the conversation when on and on. He's only been up two hours today and he's driving me nuts.

I have to remember why I didn't sign him up for camp this week. Why I decided to let him hang out with me all day while Jeanine was at work.

He's twelve, soon to be thirteen. In another year? He won't stay home with me. I recently ran into another mom who's son is fifteen. She sighed and said, everything now is about his girlfriend and his friends. I never see him anymore.

In January, when camp registrations were due, in my heart I knew I had this summer, maybe next, before I wouldn't see him at all. Whether he's dating or he's just hanging out with friends, he's not going to ask me to come and twist dough with him.

He's not going to ask for Red Bull over and over again.

There is news a-poppin' - the House of Reps in Massachusetts is getting cold feet around voting on the repeal of the 1913 law- which is ridiculous. McCain is being a jerk- this time having one of his staff question the sincerity of Obama's speech at a Holocaust Museum.

I don't know about anyone else, but I cannot imagine anyone not being sincere while talking in a Holocaust Museum in Israel.

Student loans are falling through right before the start of a new semester thanks to the subprime crisis, the Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac bailout could cost taxpayers 25 Billion dollars, and while gas prices hover at 4.50 a gallon, we're told this whole economic mess is imaginary.

For the rest of the day today? I'm headed to the back room for a round of Dance Dance Revolution- Ben's favorite video game- and then a trip to the grocery store so we can make our own french onion soup with all those crazy fresh ingredients I insist on.

I can't change the world in a day.

But I can make soup with my son.

Pretty Pretty Princesses

I had it slightly wrong- sorry. Band's name is the Pretty Pretty Princesses.

The song? Rainbow Unicorn.



And that's for meow mix.

Day Two, Summer Camp Finds the Groove

Today, after the plumber came and inspected the sewer pipe issue, we went to the beach. I find it amusing that now I need a full sized cooler to take the food for the day- and there are only four of us here.

Sandwiches, cherries, yogurts, chips, apples, muffins, sodas and ice water.



They still required a trip to Charlie's for french fries, hot dogs and, of course, clam strips.

While there was some mud slinging- literally, not figuratively- and a few time outs issued, the day was gorgeous. At one point we were all lined up on our towels, half snoozing. I realized they are all as tired as I am right now. The giant push to the end of the year is hard on them.

Tonight, sun soaked and fresh from showers, we're hanging out watching television. Much more along the lines of the kind of summer vacation I was thinking about.

Summer Blogging

Remember when I wrote in February about how I wanted to spend a lot of time with my kids this summer?

To have a "Camp Sara" and have structured days with different activities?

Remember how sweet that sounded?

Guess what... the reality is a little different. For one, summer caught me by surprise. I'm not ready. Can I please have two more weeks of school, sans any events/parties/conferences?

Secondly, the crew is less than excited about arts and crafts with mom. Partly because I personally hate arts and crafts- ew to glue on your fingers. Scissors make a mess and cleaning up after paints is enough to make my eye start twitching.

I didn't blog yesterday because I had a house full of kids, a small plumbing emergency and hot, humid weather. Oh, wait, I forgot the three glass half gallon milk bottles that came crashing out of the refrigerator when Ben pulled the door open, a tad too hard.

Milk and glass, everywhere.

Not really any time to sit the kids down and give a thoughtful creative writing exercise. Or even have a fun egg race. To be honest, I didn't even make lunch- I sent Ben and Zachary to the pizza place around the corner to pick up food.

The thing is, with my earnest excitement about having the kids around more this summer I forgot a very important piece- I am going to be flat out with all summer long.

There is no vacation. This is my heaviest work season.

So, please, be patient with me. I will continue to try and post every day, with pictures on weekends. But if I miss a day... well... say a prayer for me.