In York Maine Today: No on One!

My friend, and fellow board member of Mass Equality, Pete and I hit the road this morning to knock on doors. Specifically, we were in Kittery. The campaign was set up at the York Harbor Inn, and set up with incredible efficiency.

We signed in, were processed, and sent out with marching orders in less than fifteen minutes. Yes, this even included a brief training on how to approach folks.

The sun was out, the air crisp- it doesn't get any better than this for a voting day. We parked and set off in opposite directions. Most people were not home, but those who were were adamantly for No one One. It felt great. One elderly woman said to me, Betta believe I'm votin' no... Making my husband, too.

I think that's what has struck me the most about this campaign, here, in Maine. When I was in California for Prop 8, I didn't see any older, or elderly people. I have, over and over again here. Life long Mainers, who have an opinion and a strong one. Who are at the campaign headquarters, or driving around knocking on doors today, making calls, organizing food, coffee... it's stunning to see.

And they say that's the generation that needs to die off to get marriage equality. I say, come to Maine before you wish that.

So far? I have a very good feeling. The campaign is organized, stocked with volunteers, and running smoothly. It's a perfect day to vote.

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness- For All

Wake up America! A huge battle for rights is about to be voted on in Maine. This will effect everyone from sea to shining sea.

Just like in California in 2008, rights that have already been granted will be voted on. Everyone was shocked when California lost marriage equality- do you know that the same thing could happen in Maine on November 3rd?

Are you ready to do something about it?

The level of outrage across the country was small solace to the thousands of California residents that had their marriage rights, and in some cases their actual marriage, taken away from them. Maine already has a law on the books that allows same sex couples to marry- and religious groups who do not agree, the right not to perform those ceremonies.

It's fair. It's about the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Church and state are separate, as is dictated by our constitution.

I'm married. I'm a lesbian. I have three children. I pay taxes, coach my son's soccer team, go to the grocery store and generally live a pretty quiet life. And I'm really sick of having to say that. My kids all went to public elementary schools in Massachusetts and never once were taught about gay marriage or ANY marriage in school.

Ever.

It is exhausting to have to deal with some religious group's determination to have their beliefs be the guideline for law. I don't care what they believe, I simply want them to leave me alone. I want the right to leave my wife my property, the right to visit her in the hospital, the right to have our children's parents legally recognized.

I'm not going to their church. Why do they want to shove their values down my throat? And why one church and not another? We look at Middle Eastern countries run by Islamic law and think, bad bad bad. But it's okay for the Catholic church to decide what is ok and not ok to have as a law?

Did I mention that no church would be forced to perform these ceremonies? As if I'd want one who thinks I'm going to hell to recognize my lifetime commitment to my wife. Have an ounce of common sense, please.

Are you all listening? Are you all aware that this is a state vote with national ramifications? Because I know the other side is pouring in money from all over the country to try and take rights away.

Take rights away. My rights. I'm not taking away their rights. I have no interest. I believe in free speech and the separation of church and state. Raise your kids to think God hates fags. I'm going to raise mine to believe you have the right to free speech.

I love Maine. I believe in the people of Maine. But the hateful lies being sent out by the folks who would strip away rights have been packaged in tidy little ads that do not require any truth. Save the little, doe-eyed girl from evil homosexuals. Such bullshit.

We are families. We will continue to have children, be active in government, work at jobs, pay our taxes. We'll be in the grocery store telling our kids no to the sugar-filled cereal just like everyone else. We will go to church- the ones that welcome us- and watch football on Sunday afternoons.

Unless they want to take away those rights, too.

And ask yourself, what's next? What right will they deem unacceptable in their view for LGBT people to have- already we cannot serve in the military openly, we cannot marry, we can be fired from jobs, denied housing. Maybe they'll take away our right to vote.

Wake up, America. The world changes, and women are no longer property, African-Americans no longer slaves, and the goal of equality isn't about taking things away. It's about the constitution recognizing everyone.

Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

For all.

Do something about it. Don't wait until it's too late.

Another Boy Kills Himself

I wanted to write today about the cats howling all the way up to Ogunquit, where the boys and I are spending April break. Or about how beautiful the ocean is, how it brings me to a place of calm. Or about a horrible meal we had at a restaurant I've recommended a bunch of times- that I no longer recommend.

But I can't. Another boy killed himself. Bullying again.

My heart is broken.

Jaheem Herrera was eleven. He hung himself in his closet. His mother complained repeatedly to the school that he was being bullied. Nothing happened. I read about this on Pam's House Blend and I have to wonder- what will it take?

Jaheem was harassed physically and verbally. They called him gay. He spoke with an accent.

A number of parents also complained about their children being bullied, too.

Nothing happened.

Nothing happened again.

There is something deeply wrong. We must demand change. We must enable teachers to do the right thing. We must teach our children tolerance. All the crazy talk about storms and the horrible fear that maybe LGBT people might be treated as equals has to stop. We need to all come together to help these kids. Whatever our religious beliefs our, it has to stop.

Kids too young to identify as any sexuality are being brought to levels of pain that leave them feeling they have no choice.

Another little boy is dead.

We need change now.

Faith Community and LGBT Community Come Together

I went to a funeral today. Of a little boy. 11 years old. He lay in the coffin, in a grown up suit, dead.

So little.

He killed himself last week because he was taunted, over and over, for being gay. Who knows if he was, or wasn't- not really the point. He was a sweet kid, they said, who loved to sing and dance. Very bright.

The school did not respond to his mother's repeated attempts to have the bullying addressed, to have it stopped. Instead, they sentenced the kid to have lunch with his abuser, for five straight days.

He told his mother he was suspended. It seems he was desperate to get out of those lunches. When they proceeded, anyway, he hung himself. It was too much.

I went today with a friend. The woman sitting next to her told her it wasn't the first time. There had been two other students at the same school, who suffered the same taunting. One girl, one boy. The girl tried to kill herself, her mother found her OD'ed on pills and got her to the hospital in time. The boy left the school, to pursue music.

This is baked in, deeply rooted homophobia. And just like baked in, deeply rooted racism affects us all, so does the homophobia. Sitting in that church today, I knew one thing for certain- This community of African-American Pentecostal church members and the gay community have a great deal in common.

A dead little boy.

If there is ever a time to make that bridge, it's now. No where in the national media is this story. No where. Is it because he was poor and black? Maybe. Is it because he was called gay and we're just not going to deal with that? Maybe.

I don't really care. I want to make that bridge. Because together, I think we can change things.

One of my sons is eleven. He came home from school and saw the picture on the service program.

I think I know him, he said. He looks... so familiar.

He doesn't, and didn't but ... we all do.

Please make this story get out in the media. We should be outraged it has not made the evening news, the NY Times, the talk show circuit. An eleven year old boy killed himself because he was bullied. Maybe the queer community is the only one who really understands.

Let's stand behind this family and make a roar so loud no one can ignore it.

Please.

Why?

This is not an easy day.

Going to this funeral, and I realize I was a suicidal 11-year-old. The pain was too much, most of the time.

Zachary, my middle son, my 11-year-old, wanted to go. He said he thought he should be there.

Why?

I don't know. I just should.

After a day of thinking about it, he decided not to go. I'm glad. I think it's too much for him to hold. He holds so much.

I told him he could write a note to the mother. He agreed.

This story never hit the major news wires- why? Is it too gay? He didn't identify as gay. He was just a kid.

Why? Why doesn't anyone care? Why is there not outrage in every state, in every home?

Why didn't the school take this more seriously? Why did the mother's calls go unanswered? Why was it allowed to go on so long that an electrical cord wrapped around his neck was the only answer to the constant taunts?

This is going to be very hard today. Partly because it touches a part of me filled with pain.

And partly because it makes me angry.

Why?

11 Year Old Kills Himself After Gay Taunts Left Unaddressed

An eleven-year-old boy hung himself in Springfield, MA yesterday. He had been repeatedly taunted as "gay" even though he did not identify as such. His mother went to the school over and over again, trying to get something done.

Nothing happened.

So for all those right wing nuts who insist we are teaching all sorts of positive gay messages in our school, fuck you. You caused this kids death. You and your bullshit rhetoric.

I wish we were teaching more positive images of LGBT people because then "faggot" and "queer" wouldn't hurt so much. I wish that boy had an advocate in the school who listened to his mother. Who did something.

I'm angry. How can this happen today? Why did that mother have to lose her son? Why was that boy not taken care of by the school officials?

It reminds me of when my son Zachary wanted to do the day of silence in his class. He wanted me to go in and explain. I was told no, it's too scary to talk about Lawrence King. It's too... much. A permission slip would have to go out to the parents. We can't talk that way without permission.

Which of course meant it was sexual in nature, even though it was not. This crime is not gay only. This crime- and it was a crime the way the issue was handled- was about bullying. Teasing. Mean, hateful words.

I'm beyond angry. This is something that could have been prevented. I have an eleven year old son. He wanted to recognize the day of silence. He understood how words can hurt.

He's not gay.

And when we all wonder if marriage equality is the end all and be all of the movement? Think again. In the first state in the nation to accept equal marriage rights, kids are still taunted. Humiliated.

"Two of the top three reasons students said their peers were most often bullied at school were actual or perceived sexual orientation and gender expression, according to From Teasing to Torment: School Climate in America, a 2005 report by GLSEN and Harris Interactive. The top reason was physical appearance."

Carl would have turned 12 on April 17th, the national day of silence in schools. The irony turns in my gut. I must do more. How can I as an advocate, as an activist look his mother in the eye and say I'm sorry? We're trying to push for welcoming, safe schools but haven't made it there yet?

We still need permission slips to talk about how it's not okay to call someone a dyke. lezzy. How the words cut like knives, and the targets aren't just LGBT kids, but all kids.

An eleven-year-old boy is dead today because no one in the school did a thing to help him. They should be ashamed- and they should go to jail for it.

And on Monday, I am going to the funeral. I will promise the mother that until the day I die, I am going to fight for comprehensive anti-bullying policies in schools. Because I'm a lesbian, because I've been on the other side of the taunts but mostly because I am a mother.

We must end the violence.

"GLSEN, the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network, recommends four approaches that schools can begin implementing now to address anti-LGBT bullying and harassment.

# Adopt a comprehensive anti-bullying policy that enumerates categories such as race, gender, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation and gender expression/identity. Enumeration is crucial to ensure that anti-bullying policies are effective for LGBT students. Policies without enumeration are no more effective than having no policy at all when it comes to anti-LGBT bullying and harassment, according to GLSEN’s 2005 National School Climate Survey.

# Require staff trainings to enable school staff to identify and address anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment effectively and in a timely manner.

# Support student efforts to address anti-LGBT bullying and harassment on campus, such as the formation of a Gay-Straight Alliance or participation in the National Day of Silence on April 25.

# Institute age-appropriate, inclusive curricula to help students understand and respect difference within the school community and society as a whole."

It's not that hard. It's not about sex. It's about dignity. And clearly, about saving kids lives.

Streamers, Votes and a Great Wife

I have the best wife in the whole wide world.

At least today she is.

Without my request, without my begging, she took today off. We have two teacher parent conferences, plus it's Jake's birthday. Oh, and it's Tuesday, my most dreaded day of the week.

On Tuesdays, Zachary and Jake get out of school at 12:30pm. Don't ask me why, it's just the way it is. It tends to be a day of playdates, running around, friends, lunches, and often appointments. Ben and Zachary always have their music lessons on Tuesdays. One of my friends said she can tell it's music lesson time because I start sending endless emails via my iPhone.

It is always the longest day of the week for me.

People often think with four parents, it must be easier. It's not. It can be a scheduling nightmare. No one is ever happy. Always something forgotten, always another thing to plan. As the stay at home parent, I am usually the one left with the running around and the object of ire when things don't work out.

Not today. My wonderful wife is helping and I didn't even have to ask.

I've been doing this "job" (I use quotes because god knows I don't get paid for it) for 14 years. Like any job, it has it's ups and downs. There are things I love doing and things I don't. I am on call 24//7.

A friend wrote to me yesterday and said even something as simple as wanting to go to a lecture at night, or a movie, or anything, results in a major effort. And if someone is sick? Or it's raining so practice is canceled, forget it. You're on.

Whatever you've had planned, it's thrown out the window.

When the kids were little, it was easier. Okay, it wasn't easier it was different. I had more control over what was going on, when it went on, and could plan the week without a huge amount of effort. Not anymore. They have their own ideas about what they are going to do- and I believe that is how it should be.

As I write this, a historic debate is happening in Vermont. Ninety nine votes are needed in the House to override the veto- the Senate is all set. Me? I have to go decorate the house with streamers and balloons, wrap presents and go buy the ingredients for a much loved, birthday boy requested taco dinner. Jeanine is at the dentist with Ben, and I'll be able to make a conference call today that is very important.

I think she knew I was running thin. She's a good woman and I know this was a treat.

I love being the mom of three boys. No question. Lately, though, the lack of flexibility in my own life has left me on empty. No time to write, to really sit down and write, no time to have a thought that is not interrupted. My office is a mess of urgent things to do, like those pesky bills to pay, taxes, forms to fill out. Not to mention the laundry, the every day picking up of the house, kitty litter to be changed.

I hope we get the votes in Vermont. I hope they realize this is not the changing of the world, but the acceptance of the change that has already happened. If I'm a threat to society as we know it, it's only because I haven't done my boys laundry in the last few days.

Let me tell you, that smell is enough to kill anyone.

Now, onto the streamers....

Call Out Blue Cross Blue Shield's Ridiculous Policy Change

Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan recently removed the coverage of gender reassignment surgery from their "covered" list. "Michigan Messenger reported Tuesday that BCBS of Michigan had received permission from state regulators to change insurance coverage offerings, and elimination of gender reassignment surgery was one of those approved changes."

The reason? It was "simply a matter of aligning their product with what is currently offered in the market." After the company posted a 133 million dollar loss, they needed to make changes.

Um... call me crazy, but I can't imagine there was a line out the door at hospitals with people looking to have the surgery. When asked, by Todd Heywood, Helen Stojic, spokesperson for Blue Cross Blue Shield of Michigan, said she could not provide how much of the loss was due to gender reassignment surgery.

Then how do they know it's a good business decision? Since health care is no longer about health, at least be a good business person. Why not address the number of unnecessary Cesarean sections performed? Or use of emergency rooms for minor patient care?

Nope. Gender reassignment makes the best fiscal sense. Even though they have no idea how much it has cost the company.

It is bad enough that our health care system is now based on a for profit business model. But when they blow it on a common sense level, it's hard to not see it for what it is- discrimination.

I suggest it might be time for Ms. Stojic to hear from the community. Please feel free to contact her at 313 549 9884. The more the merrier. Because the reality of this decision and their "reasoning" is total bullshit.

You can quote me on that.

The Coleman Cooler

Jeanine reminded me of the funniest story this morning... if you work at Berklee, you cannot read this.

I was taking her to work and we passed the Fenway building. Fenway Community Health is a fabulous organization that serves the LGBT community. When we first decided to get pregnant, we went there for an informational meeting. We learned all about temperature taking, speculum using, and timing for pregnancy.

According to my mother, it's was easy as sitting on a toilet seat. Not so.

We went there to pour through catalogues of sperm donors. It was hard to imagine we could pick the traits we wanted, but we did. After many months of charting, we were ready. We ordered through the Fenway and went to pick up our sperm.

Very expensive sperm, mind you. For two hundred dollars a vial, we were ready to go. They suggested using two, so we bought our two and waited for the right time. When we thought we had a green light, we were to go to the Fenway and pick it up.

Now, sperm comes frozen, at least the kind that's been 'washed' and tested and is available to purchase. We had to bring a cooler to add some dry ice to, that they would supply, and take our lovely little specimen home to make a baby.

All good, right? Well, no one told us how big of a cooler to bring. And I'm thinking, for four hundred bucks, it's gotta be a whole helluva lot of sperm. Buckets full. So I grabbed our big ol' coleman picnic cooler.

Big cooler.

We walk into the Fenway, with our enormous cooler and the staff starts to crack up. Yes, they are professionals but the sight of these two lesbians, with terror in our eyes about what we are about to embark on, with a cooler ten times the size needed must have been quite a sight.

They composed themselves and showed us to where the dry ice was- of course there wasn't enough there to fill even a quarter of our cooler. We took some and then got the two vials of sperm.

They were about an inch long and an eighth of an inch wide. Half full, I might add.

Now we knew why they were laughing.

We took our two little baby hopes home and the next day Jeanine purchased a much smaller cooler for the next trip. As we became pro's at this, we had the tank itself delivered straight to the house- which is another long story about the FedEx guy and dropping off the goods, which will be for another day.

Today, as I was driving Jeanine in, she said she'd been thinking about it because Berklee is buying the building, our sperm building, and putting offices, classrooms in it.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to keep a straight face, she said.

Of course, we still have the enormous cooler. It's gone to Maine and back for years.

Ready to carry anything.

A Bright, Shining Light

Today, the Gay and Lesbian Advocates and Defenders (GLAD) filed a suit in federal court in Boston, MA to challenge the denial of critical federal benefits to same-sex couples.

Yes. It's time for the Supreme Court.

Years ago, when GLAD was pulling together a group of plaintiffs to challenge the marriage laws in Massachusetts, many said it was not time. Many said, we are still lacking in basic rights- how can we go for marriage? It'll put us behind by decades.

Today, we are approaching the fifth anniversary of marriage equality in our state. We have recently had an unprecedented majority of House and Senate co-signers for a Transgender equality bill and look to celebrate it's passage later this year. We have secured dollars in a difficult state budget for LGBT youth, AIDS funding, and money to address issues facing LGBT seniors.

We have pushed the envelope, no question. And we will continue to.

The lawsuit addresses Section 3 of the federal Defense of Marriage Act- and only section three. It targets the rights and protections denied in Social Security, federal income tax, federal employees' and retirees' benefits, and in the issuance of passports.

Only in MA and CT, where marriage is recognized by the state. For over 200 years, the federal government has not interfered with state's rights around marriage- until DOMA.

I find in my travels, that people assume that being married in MA means married on a federal level. It does not.

This action does not effect any other state. It will not repeal DOMA or every state's right to have some ridiculous anti-equality law on their books, as many do. It does, however, put a bright, shining light on the inequalities our families face even in the state where we have so much.

Shining that light, as Mary Bonauto said, should generate support in all the states. When the country gets to know the plaintiff couples, when they meet the State Trooper, Mary Ritchie who puts her life on the line every day for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Her wife is not eligible for the full line-of-duty benefits for surviving spouses should she die in the line of duty. Or Herbert Burtis, 78 years old who lost his partner of 60 years last fall. He is denied the additional money his husband's social security would pay him if he was a recognized spouse.

After 60 years together, sharing lives, income, a home... nothing. But the married heterosexual couple in MA or CT- no questions asked.

These stories, this case, is about that bright, shining light. It is about understanding why we fight for equality every day. It's about why we need to continue the fight on all levels, in every state.

Years ago, people thought the marriage fight was wrong. Today, we have two states with marriage equality, and are fast approaching many more to have the same decency and fairness for all their citizen. Some states are still fighting to have civil rights bills.

The movement forward is never easy. As we enjoy these debates in this country, people are hung in others for the suspicion of being homosexual. Should we stop our rights to further theirs first?

Or do we all keep moving, the best we can, with the resources we have, to tell the stories that will ultimately make the difference for all.

I say, move forward.

And with Mary Bonauto in charge? We're not going to lose.

No one will lose.

Brothers Home

Ben missed his brothers terribly. He went out in the car and minus one big explosion upon walking in the door, there was a lot of love going on.

Brothers home. All is good. They all go outside- Ben says, let's not waste the sunlight...

Ben comes back in.

Can I have a ladder?

Huh?

Do we have a ladder- bigger than the step ladder in the kitchen.

Why?

Do we?

Why?

Where is it?

Tell me why...

Well... we thought we would all climb on the garage roof.

Why?

I dunno. Just because. Where is it?

Needless to say, no ladder was sprung. All boys disappointed they did not get to... um... walk on the garage roof.

There you have it. Brothers home.

Turned Corners

Zachary and Jake come home from camp today. I can't wait to see them and hear all about their adventures.

Ben admitted yesterday that being an only child was lonely. He missed his brothers. He actually missed them so much he went with Jeanine to pick them up.

Go figure.

I think we turned some corners this week. It's not perfect and we'll still have a ruckus tonight at some point. I understand a lot more about what Ben needs right now.

A lot of love, freedom and firm boundaries.

A friend called today and, in regard to another issue, likened the experience to being on an airplane. There are those who have bought a ticket and are sitting and there are those driving the plane.

Everyone needs to land safely.

Ben is in his seat but ready to drive the plane. In time, he will. It's hard to stay seated until the plane comes to a complete stop. And until you land on a river and survive, it's hard to appreciate what goes on in the cockpit.

We'll all get there.

Nature of the Beast

More shopping is the plan for the day. I'm doing my best to help the economy. Well, Ben is doing his best to help the economy.

The week has been sweet so far. I don't want to leave. Ben is in a great mood, we're having fun, no sassy back talk and he even just took out the vacuum without any complaints.

The only drawback is every day he takes a shower, I have to wait an hour before I can. Not a drop of hot water left after that boy.

It occurred to me, as I was walking along the beach today, that as I feel my own body relax, the pulse of going going going slow down, the effects are seen in Ben. He draws on my energy far more than the other two.

The catch is how to keep it when we get home.

I know exactly what will happen the minute his brothers return from winter camp. There will be immediate competition for who had the best time, who did the best things. It never comes from Zachary and Jake. I'm not sure there is anything I can do to avert the clash.

Maybe a few more long talks over lunch will help. Maybe it's simply the nature of the beast. If life were always vacation, then I would never get anything done.

I certainly can't keep shopping.

For now, I'm going to savor every moment. Fill the memory banks with the way I know Ben can be. When the pressure of life pushes both of our buttons, I'll remember how he snarfed down all my coleslaw at the restaurant, walking on the beach with the dog together, and cuddling on the couch watching TV.

And breathe before I open my mouth.

Moving Forward

Denver... you have to love a city where they don't run you down when you're in the crosswalk. And everyone is actually in the crosswalk.

Strange for a Bostonian to see.

The community continues to digest the Prop 8 loss. Sure, people are talking about AZ and FL but the focus is on California. What went wrong? How could we have lost? Will we ever win a ballot question or are we destined to lose them forever?

The most productive statement came from Nadine Smith, of Equality Florida. We must, she said, be out on every form, every moment, of every waking day. If we travel, we fill out forms as married people. If we file taxes? We file as married people. When ever, where ever we can, we must identify ourselves.

It's Harvey Milk's message. It continues to be relevant.

It is an act of non-violent civil disobedience. We must refuse to be considered single when we are families.

There is still a level of finger pointing going on that makes me very uncomfortable. I don't see the point. Positive messages, like Ms. Smith's, is where we need to focus our energy.

Let's move forward, folks.

Perfect Parents

I'm at the Creating Change conference in Denver. A massive gathering of LGBT folks put on by the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, it is something to behold. An entire hotel filled with every beautiful aspect of our community.

I've never been to one before and I must say, I'm a little overwhelmed.

I went to a session today on "Invisible Families," which talked about LGBT parenting and how we are identified in the community- or not. It was a six hour session and I'll be honest- I didn't stay for it all. But in one small group session, we talked about the changing nature of how we are seen in the community today.

One woman talked about her fears as a soon to be mom. The challenges that face her, her partner and their baby to be felt incredibly scary to her.

It is, I thought, but I didn't want to freak her out.

The irony is, most of what she needs to be afraid of isn't about being a lesbian and being a parent. No question there are hurdles and discrimination but when that sweet baby comes into the world, the obsession about when the last diaper was changed, how often they are nursing and please god, will there ever be sleep again takes over the angst about being different.

Until they are school age- then it comes back and rightfully so.

One point made, that hit home for me, was the concern that we are so afraid of being judged harshly simply because of who we are, we try to be perfect.

And there is no such thing as a perfect parent.

The pressure, though, is there. Some of it is self imposed but some of it comes from the community at large asking questions- do you have appropriate role models for your child? If you are two women, you must have a man in your life to help teach children manly things. If you are two men, well, how can any child possibly live without a mother?

Questions not often asked of heterosexual couples. Or single heterosexual parents, although I do think single dads deal with similar issues. I wonder if people who ask "do you know the father?" realize how incredibly insulting that is. Do they? Are they sure?

There is also an overriding fear of being too sexual. One woman quoted a couple in Canada who had a newborn, who swore they were in bed by 10:15pm every night and went straight to sleep.

As if that makes them OK to parent? I say get them a babysitter and remind them that without a healthy sex life, chances are they won't make it through the next 18 years.

And yet a Florida pastor urged his heterosexual congregation to have sex every day for a month. He believed sex was important to relationships. And that while "Jesus disapproved of pre-marital sex and promoted sex in marriage."

But since we're seen through the lens of sexuality, we have to go overboard to prove we are sexless. Only there to parent, nothing else. Because... well, I'm not really sure why.

Except that we all feel the pressure to fit in, to be okay in the communities eyes, and our community, when we become parents, changes drastically. We are thrust into school situations where we are the only ones. We want our kids to be accepted.

We want to be accepted. It's human nature.

So we tuck away parts of ourselves, and our struggles to look the right way.

I wanted to tell that young woman it would all work out. Get a strong group of other gay parents to have time with- some of it is for the kids but mostly? For you. So you have a place to say, I'm struggling. I'm scared. Where you don't have to be the role model for every gay person who ever had a child.

For goodness sakes, don't ever stop having sex. We didn't go through all this bullshit, discrimination and angst to give up an essential part of being human.

There are no perfect parents. Parents are, as a whole, are messy, make mistakes, wish back things we've done. It's the most terrifying and exhilarating experience you will ever have. You will feel joy and love in a way you never knew imaginable- unconditional and on a cellular level.

Try, please try, to let the world's judgment stop at your doorstep.

There are no perfect parents.

Ding Dong, Bush is REALLY Gone!

Forget about Rick Warren. Forget about Gene Robinson's late addition and subtraction from Sunday's event. Forget about the lack of LGBT appointments to the cabinet. Let it go.

Just for today.

Today is a day of pure celebration. Unlike election day, when we got a kick in the stomach with Prop. 8, AZ, FL and AK, all horrific setbacks for the LGBT community, today is a day to celebrate.

We have a new President. He is taking office today.

LGBT issues have been mishandled, fucked up and poorly advised. No question.

But Bush is gone, people. Pinch yourself, it's not a dream. It's a reality. Whether or not you believe Obama is just a big screen for projection, or the next messiah, or something very human in between, he is NOT Bush.

We have a President who is going to bring troops home from Iraq. Now. A President who is ready to address Gaza, now, the economy, now. We have a majority of Democrats in the legislature.

I personally can't stop smiling.

I told my kids this morning that today was a day that the first African-American man would be sworn in as President of this country. A country that in it's very recent past turned hoses and dogs on people because of their color. A country that legally recognized slavery.

Remember, I said, where you were. People will ask you in 10 years, 20, 30... where were you that day?

Tomorrow? We go right back to holding the administrations feet to the fire. We do not wait 10 hours, 10 days or 10 months. It is a mistake we've made in the past- one not to be repeated.

But today is a day to celebrate.

Ding dong, Bush is really really gone.

We Will Transcend

I have to be honest. I ran off to Maine today, to our house in Ogunquit. I had yelled at Zachary yesterday. He was nervous about a visit to a school he is applying to, and I had no patience for it.

He didn't deserve it. Not at all. I should have been calm, reassuring, and talked to him about trying new things. How bravery is doing something you are scared of- not at all about not being scared.

I didn't. I yelled.

When Jeanine got home from work, I asked her if I could go away for a couple days. I needed some time, some quiet, and a place to regroup. The holiday break, on top of the week she was gone, had stretched me farther than I could stretch. I found a new way with Ben that is working so well and requires me to dig deep into a place of calm I don't naturally go to.

It's been worth it. And it is hard.

I am incredibly fortunate to have a loving wife who understands. A second home I can leave to, that is full of comfort and peace. I know my blessings are many.

I also have good friends. One sent me this link this morning.



I have wonderful men in my life, who I adore. I would add them to the "ladies" mentioned. Respectfully.

Parenting well, more than having a political voice, more than anything in my life, is the most important thing. When I die, I will not wonder if I wrote too much about HRC, or too little, I won't remember Obama's lack of LGBT appointments to the cabinet. I won't worry about ticket sales to an event I hosted.

I will only think of my wife, my children, and my friends.

Thank you, Libby. You touched my heart with this.

I know. We will transcend.

Here Comes the Sun...

The sun is in the perfect spot on the horizon and the light is pouring into my office. Sure beats a SAD light box, not quite as good as Hawaii. It almost seems to radiate enough heat to go sit outside in but I know better.

Our president-elect has been making the rounds in the last couple weeks. Most recently, splashing the airways with his Surgeon General nominee. While the media seems thrilled with opining over the choice, I can help but wonder about the real tasks of the administration ahead.

We love a sunny outlook in this country. Perhaps because we were weaned on Bambi losing mom, but when anyone even begins to tell a happy tale, we are quick to believe.

I love the sun. I don’t particularly like reading about the bombing in Gaza, children found huddled with their dead mothers. Or the reality that one out of every seven homeowners will be foreclosed on this coming year. Or how billions upon billions of dollars are needed to move our public school systems forward in order to remain competitive with the rest of the world.

I know I have to. I am in the sun. So many are not.

I hope Obama stays clear of the media drama. That he stay focused on the war, the economy and education and not the pictures of his “abs” from the beach or his choice of an appointment to a relatively minor post.

The LGBT community has been disrespected- see Rick Warren’s part in the inauguration events next to our, um, marching band- and passed over in this administration already. I’m not surprised. He said “gay” a lot in his campaign speeches which was great but the actual embrace, a real seat at the table, is still a far away dream.

To be honest, if he gets the war, Gaza and the economy right? I’m happy to let him slide until he builds the credibility to go ahead and make a few things happen- like the end of DOMA, DADT and a fully inclusive ENDA. If you’ve fixed those things, some civil rights should be a piece of cake.

Let’s not forget, rights are free to give. They don’t increase the budget. Leaves the country with good feeling, no raised tax ceiling.

This is Obama’s moment in the sun. He may never again reach such high levels of popularity. Please, for the country’s sake, may he not be blinded by it. I don’t mind a somewhat goofy choice for Surgeon General and as long as the General in Regional Command is dedicated to leaving Iraq.

I hope he uses the power of words carefully, especially when talking about the economy. A single Hank Paulson speech can tank the markets for weeks. What we need is economic stability, not the current panic driven roller coaster.

Mostly? Let’s all stay focused on the real issues of the day and not be suckered by some of the ratings-driven, sexed up nonsense the mainstream media throws at us.



Because just like now, as the sun is slipping down behind the house next door, the sun will go away. I hope we have the real change we need when it does.

It Doesn't Make Sense

My son came home from school yesterday after having watched a movie about the Civil Rights movement in the 1960's.

It was horrible, he said.

As he described the church bombing, the hoses and the police dogs, he asked me, why?

People who were in power wanted to stay in power. They wanted to beat them down but they fought back.

Jake was listening to this conversation. After about an hour, he came up and asked me, Why did they kill the girls that were changing their clothes?

I said, They bombed the church. They didn't care who was inside.

He kept asking questions, throughout the rest of the day. Finally, I said to him, You're trying to make sense of this. It doesn't make any sense.

Eleven gay bars in Seattle had ricin threats sent to them in the mail on Tuesday. Last night, hackers brought down a bunch of LGBT blogs.

"Pam's House Blend, RadicalRuss.net, American Liberalism, BeThink.org are some of the sites affected. I haven't gone down the whole Soapblox blogroll yet, so far it seems the state blogs were not affected; I assume the hack is restricted to only one server."

As I listened to my sons try and digest the horror of the Civil Rights movement, I wanted to say something about what is going on today in the LGBT movement. How transpeople all over the south are being killed with no real police effort to do anything about it. How Sean Kennedy's murderer is being set free after little time in jail.

How could I? How could I explain that people do hateful things to people who are different and that I, their mother, am one of the targets? Just because the one I am in love with, the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, share the responsibilities of adulthood with, share my bed with, is a woman instead of a man.

It doesn't make any sense.

Radical Change in Ordinary Moments

All I can say is that is one helluva lot of work for a single day of celebration.

It's quiet in the house now. The boys went with Walter and Allan to sleep over last night. This morning? Haircuts. We are off to Florida to celebrate Jeanine's Mom's 70th birthday and there will be a family photo taken. I'm not going to have them look like orphaned children pulled off the streets.

The cats are snorting their catnip toys. I fear for the tree but it's going to be taken down today, along with all the dishes piled up being cleaned, the decorations all put away.

I think that's my favorite part of Christmas- getting back to normal again.

Jeanine is still sleeping and there is much laundry to be done before I can pack for the trip.

Last night, we all played the game the boys gave Jeanine for Christmas- Rock Band 2. Allan scored a perfect 100% singing "Spirit in the Sky." We had a fabulous dinner of homemade wontons, finishing just in time to see the Celtics choke and lose.

As much as I love being a grinch and complain, I have to say, Christmas was very nice this year. Jeanine and I talked about how we only have a few more years with the kids being so excited they have to be up at 6AM. We'll have to give the cats their little 'nip stash the night before so they tear across us in the morning.

This holiday has been filled with old and new friends. I've mended a relationship with a friend that was very important to me. We went bowling with our Moms group that has become my extended family the weekend before Christmas which was playful and fun. As we all lounged on couches eating pizza after, I tried my best to soak in all the love.

It's a little overwhelming sometimes.



Ben was thrilled with his gift from his most inappropriate Aunt- Flava of Love, seasons one through too many.



Zachary ended up outfitted for... something.



And Jake... Jake is still little, in so many ways. He pretended to believe in Santa, although quietly he did tell me he knew better. I told him the magic of Santa never goes away.

There were a few tears- the new Star Wars lego set was hard to assemble even with Mom Jeanine's help- but nothing dramatic. I took my dog on a long walk in the woods and it was a glorious, sunny day.

As I get ready for the clean up, I can't help but wonder what it will take in this society to recognize my family. Do we have to be victims of brutal crimes to be sympathetic? Do we have to be dying or sick in hospitals before someone believes asking for our rights is a reasonable thing?

Why can't it be simply because it's the right thing to do? In so many ways, as I sit here this morning, I'm like every other suburban housewife. I don't understand.

Maybe it's because no one takes the time to see the ordinary. It doesn't make you cringe, nor laugh out loud. I hope to create radical change in those moments. I do not want to be a victim to be heard.

For now? I'll go fill the dishwasher. Start taking the lights down off the tree. Wake my wife up and get her to unclog the sink in the bathroom downstairs.

Christmas is over. I love my family.

And just like every other suburban housewife, I will do my best for them in this coming year.