Vacation Check in: Yes, I belong in the Ladies Locker Room

I thought I'd check in... I've been relaxing so much out here, I'm mush right now. Perfect level of mush. Jeanine and I are sitting on our own little private porch and she is reading me a fish oil supplement advertisement and she's laughing hysterically.

Family fun for everyone! Don't leave baby out!

It has never occurred to me to take fish oil capsules. I stick to that radical idea of eating fish. You know, pick up the fork, chew, swallow. I don't care what Mary Poppins said, cod liver oil is nasty.

Which reminds me of some of the fabulous food we've had out here. The first night, we had delicious scallops, with artichoke hearts and summer truffle.



Mmmmmmm. Don't ask me waht the foamy stuff was- I think the chef is stuck in the late 1990's.

Another dish we had while here was rabbit in many different little pieces. Oh, don't be sending PETA on me, I can't help it, I like rabbit.



Can we all sing, "Little rabbit foo foo, hoppin' thru the forest, scooping up the field mice and boppin' them on the head."

With the fresh lima beans, and the au jus, it was spectacular.

I went with the wife to Tanglewood. I have been dragging my heels for ... um... 15 years. It's so close, we could walk with our little picnic basket. Of course, as we walked in the entrance the State Trooper there said, "You ladies be careful when you leave... two rows of cars coming out of here, and nary a one looking for a person on the side of the road."

And then we chatted about the bad rain out here and how the roads have been. He was a nice guy.

We had our little picnic on the grass.



I wish I had brought my real camera with me because there were some amazing food set ups on the lawn. Candles, tables, clothes, silver... it's a small competition among some to have the most elegant lawn meal there is.

We had a great time, left before the bugs were too bad. Jeanine is satisfied that she has been to Tanglewood- I don't have to go again for another 15 years.

Ok, ten.

We've sat by the pool. Read books. Enjoyed he sunset. Went to see the O'Keeffe exhibit at the Clark. It was billed "O'Keeffe" but it was really Arthur Dove and O'Keeffe and mostly Arthur Dove. He may have been her inspiration but once again, all I can say is women do it better. Her work was stunning. His... fine. The droves of people were there to see Georgia's work, though.

I went to have a massage today. One of my favorite things to do on vacation. I went over to the Cranwell, as where I am staying does not have a spa, and had a wonderful treatment. As I was leaving, I stepped out of the bathroom, in the locker room, and had an older woman say to me, "I believe this is the ladies lounge," clutching her robe to her chin.

I was clearly, in her mind, in the wrong place.

Now, please understand, I go through this every day, all the time. I get called sir, I get the look up and down when I go to the restroom. But having just stood completely naked in that very room not five minutes before, to have this woman push her gender stereotypes down my throat after having such a nice massage... I kind of lost my patience.

I lifted my shirt, showing her my lovely lacy black bra (cup size D thank you very much) and said, "Yes it is."

And walked out.

From now on? That is going to be my response to the evil eye, or the raised eyebrow. I'm lifting up my shirt. Period.

Tonight is our last night. We have dinner reservations. The only disappointment was the golf course we wanted to play on was closed due to way too much water from all the rain. Yes, I am that stereotypical of a lesbian that I play golf. Softball, too.

Oh. The rain. That reminds me... my boys are out here, at camp, in rain, rain, rain. With no lovely scallops and summer truffles to get them through.

I'll be sure to send a care package of deep woods off. But first... a lovely glass of wine...

Sun, Family and Lush Greens

I am currently at an undisclosed location in the Berkshires. Jeanine and I have a week, alone, and so far, it's been fabulous.

My sister is in great hands, and the boys have been all dropped off at their camps. We arrived late yesterday afternoon and promptly took a long nap. Dinner was beyond delicious, the wine spectacular and the stress is gone.

Gone gone gone.

I got a serious bitch slap from a friend last week. She told me to get on with it, stop ruminating over it all and people have surgery every day it's not a big deal. And then told me to stop talking to her about it.

Okay. Got that message loud and clear.

After the initial sting, I knew she was right. I need to let it go for a while, spend time with my wife, soak in all that is good with the world instead of focusing on what is wrong.

So I got up this morning, had some fresh fruit, homemade granola and yogurt for breakfast. Took a long run and then sat by the pool.



I know. Hard life I live.

You may think my friend harsh, and yes, it was harsh, but in reality, I do have many blessings. It's time for one of those grateful lists.

I am grateful the sun is out. This summer has been so dreary and I am someone who needs the sun to recharge. I carefully put on my sunscreen, knowing all too well that it's not always my friend. But when I can sit out in it, I can let my shoulders drop, and breathe.

I am grateful for the wonderful family I have built around me. When I see my sister, someone who has none, it is a clear reminder of how much I need them. And like a garden, they need to be fed and tended to. I must never take them for granted.

I am grateful for the green outside. Lush, deep greens that are New England's greatest assets, next to the ocean. Like the sun, it soothes me.

This week, we will read. Play some golf. Reconnect. Remember how much fun my boys are having right now, how healthy and bright they are. Work on being kinder, more thoughtful, more generous.

And remember it's not the end of the world. It will all work out.

Next Stage? Major Surgery

It's hard to write this tonight. I'd rather tell a funny story about how I came in the door and Ben was cooking- trying to pan sear a chicken breast. The effort was excellent but the breast was half frozen, the pan too hot and he fessed up to tossing the first batch of olive oil out the back door "cuz it was bubbling a LOT."

Smoke was in the air, nothing lethal, and he had created a dinner of chicken, whole wheat pasta and a teeny tiny salad.

I was very proud of him.

He was cooking because I was out at the doctor's all day with my sister. Jeanine had offered to have him make the frozen pizza or chicken nuggets- he's the one who took the harder route.

He's being very grown up lately. I know he feels the stress.

My sister... a friend commented on Bilerico that I should hold tight to the fact she really may get better. Not only do I hold that, I believe that. We have some road to go through first.

The surgeon we met with today was wonderful. I think he might have been twelve years old but... regardless, he was wonderful. He showed up the MRI images- my sister's spleen is more than a football. It goes from up in her rib cage to down in her pelvis. It's in almost every part of her abdominal cavity.

A normal spleen is 11 centimeters in length.

She's looking at major surgery.

In the meantime, a very good friend of hers- I would say one of her only friends- has come to stay with her. Spiritual, kind, she told me she was going to do some Reiki on my sister tonight.

We moved my sister into a short term rental apartment- so close to Fenway Park, she can see in the stadium from the roof. Too bad she doesn't like sports. It's also less than a mile from the hospital.

I feel guilty, on one hand. I feel like I couldn't take care of her well enough here, there were too many stairs, too much going on... stuff I couldn't change. Stuff I could.

Did I make her feel comfortable enough or did she see me roll my eyes about the special chocolate creamer? Was she afraid to ask for something else because my tone was short- the kids were killing each other in the back yard and I simply didn't have time for the long request?

Could I have done more? I'm such a hard person at times. Strict with my kids, quick with an order... was I kind enough? Did she need to leave to feel safer in the hands of 911?

Did she realize how tired I was?

Tomorrow is her birthday. One of the hardest things for me is that she has so few people in her life that love her simply for who she is. We will ascend with chocolate cake, candles, pizza... sing happy birthday and the boys will all spit all over the cake to blow out the candles for her.

Walter, Allan, Jeanine and I, the friend from home, the kids... we'll stay a while, careful not to exhaust her too much.

Did I mention the manfriend from Georgia called her? Oh yeah. Looking for her to apologize? Or perhaps just the meal ticket but it was gone.

Don't get me started.

I feel like I've exhausted this topic. I should just shut up and write about the horror of what Prof. Gates went through- because that was a horror show. It makes me sick to live here right now.

I don't have the energy. I wish I did.

Next stage? Major surgery.

Boys are to Dogs as Socks are to...

My charming son Zachary came in this morning, sat in my office and let rip an enormous fart.

Raising boys can be so... charming sometimes. They get mad when I say boys are like having dogs- but I mean it in a good way. Dogs are loyal- my beanie girl is currently sitting at my feet, as always. Boys are loyal too- I mean, not any more or less than girls but I'm trying to say something nice here.

Mind you, I just had my office bombed.

I can remember when the kids were young, and my friend, the martha stewart of parenting, would call and say, yes, the girls are in the house coloring...

it would be a day where it was snowing/raining/hailing/hurricane- you decide. My boys would no more sit down to a day of arts and crafts than fly to the moon. Well, they wanted to fly to the moon, that was the problem.

I'd be getting my kids into whatever gear needed- snowsuits, rain boots, protective goggles- to take them outside. See, like dogs, they needed to go out, no matter what.

I was always jealous of my friend. Her girls were so low key. It's not any different today. My kids still need to be run daily. Loafing around all day leads to major fights at night because their energy levels haven't been tapped all day. And we've moved into some special behavior- farting for instance- which hold appeal I believe until they reach their 40's.

Right now, I'm looking out in my front hall and there are shoes, and flip flops, and dirty socks, and an old Halloween costume on the floor. I'll never have a clean house. Ever again.

Dogs, I tell you, are a lot tidier. Sure, they shed but they don't wear socks.

Oh, I know. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. And like my dog, they will end up well trained.

You can bet on that.

Back Home

I'm back in Boston. My sister had a big scare yesterday- turned the wrong way and had excruciating pain. She was too afraid to be so far away from the Dana Farber where she has been getting amazing care.

Everything is ok- the "hillbilly heroin" or oxycodone, is doing great for her pain. Or not, but she doesn't care because ... well... she's high as a kite.

It's good to be home. Although as I went to put things into the refrigerator, I was frightened. Jeanine had stuff growing in there and... um... not pretty.

Actually quite disgusting.

A friend once said to me, see the mess as a sign that she loves you. Misses you.

That's kind of a stretch but I'll try. It's clean now- that's a sign that I love her.

Walter and Allan are coming and bringing dinner. I miss them. I miss having cocktails on the deck in downeast with them, watching the birds at low tide. I miss a lot of stuff right now.

Next Sunday, the boys go to camp. All of them. I'll have a week at home with them, Jeanine, before they go. We'll play video games to saturate their brains before they go- Zachary and Jake are gone a month with no TV, no electronics.

Ben only a week.

For the week they are all gone, my sister has a good friend of hers coming to stay with her. We've found a short term rental for her in Boston, very close to the hospital.

She'll feel safe there.

Before her friend gets there, Jeanine and I will take turns staying with her. It's two minutes from where Jeanine works, literally, so she'll go have lunch with her during the day.

And for the week the kids are all gone, and my seester has her friend, Jeanine and I are going to a fabulous hotel in the Berkshires.

I wanted to go downeast but Jeanine... this is about her. And connecting. Me being out on a kayak all day isn't really connecting. We'll play golf, go antiquing... oh, who am I kidding? I don't plan on getting out of bed the whole week except for food.

I really miss her.

Ben and I will go to downeast after he gets back from camp. Walter and Allan will be up there and we've promised to do the annual meeting cookout for the small, rustic community at the end of the point.

We all get together and promise there will never be electricity. Flush toilets. Heat.

It'll be great.

My seester will have a place to kinda call home. Big city address, she's going to learn what it's like to live with every convenience at your door.

She's gonna hate it. We both grew up in the country and lemme tell ya, she still wants to be there. She doesn't like sushi or espresso.

It's all going to work out.

At least that's what I keep telling myself.

A Day in the Life of a Caretaker

Phew. The FedEx piece was exciting. I do love doing that work, shareholder resolution stuff. I believe corporations will always be way ahead of government policies- and we need them to be in order to get government to respond.

It makes a very real difference in people's lives. I especially like that part.

But for my regulars, not the additional couple thousand that stopped by to read about FedEx- thanks to all of you my sitemeter is fun to look at now- I wanted to give an update on the day in a life of a caretaker.

I realize that's what I am now. Sure, I'm a mom and moms take care of children, but this is different. I'm taking care of someone with cancer.

Yup, I finally said it. Finally got approval to say it. We've been dealing with this big, bad word for a while now. It's not so scary anymore.

I always knew, for a long time, that I would be the one to take care of my sister. I was the only one in the family who appreciated her for who she is and didn't judge her.

That glass house thing... I'm very aware of it.

My sister was one of the first people I told I was a lesbian. She didn't understand, and didn't really like the idea, but I was her sister and she loved me. No matter what. I think I was about 16 when I told her. I didn't come out to my mother until I was 20 and even then it wasn't my choice. She asked, I paused, and the rest is history.

When my sister met a man online and decided to go across country with him, I took a deep breath and said OK. I was scared for her, no question. But I also knew she needed some tie to a safe place. I would always be that safe place.

She keeps telling me that I saved her life. I didn't save her life. I provided a safe place. I will say there were some really sweet people in Georgia, ones that cared about her. But the world she had built was based on a man, not on her own sense of self.

It wasn't safe. He wasn't safe.

It is a strange world I'm in now. Slow motion at times, at times a roller coaster. I do the laundry, cook meals and we talk a lot. The boys are with Jeanine on their way out to visit their fabulous cousins in Iowa. For now, it's just my seester and I.

Walter asked me if we've gotten closer or if it's been stressful. I would have to say both- and neither. My sister and I have always been close even when we didn't talk every day. We've always had a connection.

It's stressful because she's sick. I don't want her to be sick. I want her to jump up and make her fabulous taco salad for dinner. I don't want to talk about who to leave what in the will, but I am.

It's important. I'm not afraid of these conversations. They carry a lot of weight of responsibility for me, to make sure who gets what. I will honor whatever she wants.

It's not stressful because the sun is out, the breeze is keeping the bugs away and the only thing we have to do is eat dinner and chat.

Stay in the moment, I keep reminding myself.

We don't always agree about everything but we are respectful of each other in how we voice it. That has always been the case. I hold things at times, consider them, not because I am afraid of the confrontation but because I want to use my best words with her.

I am a caretaker now. I'd like to think of it as a being full of gentle love. Respect. I know I will not always be successful, I will lose my patience, I will become angry at all that feels so unfair.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Because I love my sister. Always have. Always will.

FedEx Delivers to the Transgender Community

A few months ago, I was asked by a transgender activist in Tennesee to look into FedEx's policy regarding gender identity. I did, and I went to the one place I knew would do something about it- NorthStar Asset Management, Inc. What began as a very basic shareholder resolution has now turned into a fascinating story. Before the ink was dry on the press release, a Christian website, OneNewsnow, had called Julie Goodridge for an interview. How they found out is unknown at this time. As often is the case on the internet, it's gone wild and the RightWingNuts have decided to give it their own little twist- last I read Huffington Post requested that FedEx change it’s policy- nothing could be further from the truth.

The truth is in the press release that follows. I did work with NorthStar Asset Management to change the policy at FedEx- more companies to follow. That was not information given in the interview but... it's fine. It's true.

But like a game of telephone, the facts are being quickly distorted. Let the following set the record straight, so to speak, and please write FedEx a letter or email of support- they are getting hammered for doing this very basic act of decency.



FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: July 13, 2009
CONTACT: Julie Goodridge
NorthStar Asset Management, Inc.
PO Box 301840
Boston, MA 02130
617-522-2635
jgoodridge@northstarasset.com


FedEx Delivers to the Transgender Community

NorthStar Asset Management, Inc., a portfolio management company in Boston, is pleased to announce that it has reached an agreement with FedEx Corporation, a provider of transportation and business solutions, for the creation of an official FedEx policy that is inclusive of gender identity.

“We filed a resolution seeking protection against any form of job discrimination based on gender identity, and FedEx responded with a desire to understand and incorporate such a policy,” said Julie Goodridge, CEO of NorthStar Asset Management, Inc.

According to the National Center for Transgender Equality, transgender people face disproportionate amounts of discrimination in virtually all areas of life, especially in employment and health care. Congress and the Obama Administration have been slow to act on passing the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (a proposed bill that would prohibit discrimination against employees on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity) and because of this; an increasing number of companies – often after being confronted with shareholder resolutions regarding gender identity – are adding appropriate protections. According to the Human Rights Campaign’s State of the Workplace 2008 report, currently 35% of Fortune 500 companies, and over 60% of the top 100 Fortune-ranked businesses, have inclusive employment policies, and have added gender identity to their diversity and sensitivity programs.

“Transgender people suffer the greatest amount of discrimination in the workforce and have little recourse due to the lack of protection under state and federal law,” Goodridge noted. “While it is unfortunate that the Federal government has yet to pass an inclusive Non-Discrimination Act that includes all people, thankfully there are U.S. corporations like FedEx who are determined to protect and value all of their workers…they are leading the way potentially years ahead of Capitol Hill.”

Marisa Richmond, Ph.D., President of the Tennessee Transgender Political Coalition – located in the state where the corporate headquarters of FedEx resides – said “We are pleased that FedEx is expanding its non-discrimination policy to include gender identity. By recognizing the value and contributions of transgender workers, we believe the company will benefit from those contributions, and that this will allow their current and future employees the opportunity to help the company move forward.”

Forbes Magazine recognized FedEx in March 2009 as one of the most admired companies in the world; NorthStar applauds this most recent step that shows the company’s continuing desire to create a safe working environment.

NorthStar Asset Management, Inc. is a wealth management firm based in Boston, specializing in socially responsible investing.

Melt Down

I just had a complete meltdown.

All my moms are coming and I cannot wait for them to get here. I was getting the laundry done and... the dryer stopped working. Brand new. Not working.

Oh my god.

This was after I came home from the beach and my sister tells me the records aren't in the right place, she's not sure she can even have her appointment on Monday.

The damn dryer was the last straw. I started to cry.

Why now? Why? Why is all this shit happening at once? Why can't I just have a normal day? My kids are enough to deal with.

Why?

I can't take anymore. I can't be asked for a single thing, I can't take care of one more thing, I just simply can't.

Thank god the moms are on their way.

All Quiet on the Western Front

All is quiet on the western front. Or eastern front. The kids are still sleeping, as is my sister. Just me and the dogs right now. Very peaceful.

The sun is out today. It's amazing how something as small as a sunny day can make all the difference in the world. We'll go to the beach for a while. Work on painting the garage later in the day.

I'm still battling exhaustion. I've been up two hours and could easily take a nap right now. I'll walk the beach instead, hoping to get some energy from the exercise.

"Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, or military combat."

Um... yeah.

"People with PTSD have persistent frightening thoughts and memories of their ordeal and feel emotionally numb, especially with people they were once close to. They may experience sleep problems, feel detached or numb, or be easily startled."

Yup, yup and yup.

I realize this is what is going on right now for me. I cannot concentrate, I am on edge and have been struggling with sleep. There is a special added quality that this all involves my sister, and she and I went through so much as children together.

One would think we've been through enough but... I guess not.

I'm working on being in the present. I took the boys shopping yesterday- yet another rainy day and new shoes were in need.

Ben is a size eleven foot. Good lord.

We sit around the dinner table, with our usual loud, boisterous conversation. I have a press release to write, something I love to do. So much is normal, so much is not.

I'm going to try and think about what Buddha would do. I have a small statue of a fabulously fat Buddha smiling in my living room (why have a skinny Buddha? just seems wrong). The sun is dancing on the floor in front of him, not quite there but still, he smiles.

I know a piece of it is not owning what is not mine. Letting go. Breathing in the fresh air, my children's laughter, and the smell of bacon cooking.

What's done is done.

Zachary's Birthday Wish

The other day, Zachary told me what he wanted to do for his birthday. The actual day is when he is at camp, so we celebrate after.

I want to go to NYC, he said, stay in a nice hotel. Just the family.

Yeah? I'm surprised. This does not sound like Zachary.

And then we can go to that restaurant so I can have frog legs again.

Um... you sure?

Yeah, and maybe we can go see a play. Like Spamalot.

Alrighty, then. We will see what we can do.

And yes, I am aware the stress is getting to him, too.

Bah!

One of the bonus effect of my sister's illness is that she's losing weight. A lot of weight. She's been someone who struggled with weight issues most of her life. Now? The weight is dropping off.

Regardless of what she eats. Which has meant requests for chips, ice cream, cookies... stuff I rarely have in the house. But it's summer, the kids are on vacation and she can have whatever she wants.

Mind you, I'm gaining weight just watching her. Bah.

I had plain salad (no dressing, no croutons), and some tuna salad on top (light mayo and only a little), water, apricot for lunch.

My sister had a cheeseburger, extra cheese, BBQ chips, AND potato salad.

Watch. she'll lose two pounds. I'll gain two.

Bah. Bah to sick people. Bah to compassion. Bah I say.

The kids, though, are in heaven.

Living in the Moment

Ahhhh... quiet. Total and complete quiet right now. I'm in heaven.

Walter and Allan came yesterday and took the boys to the beach this morning. It is a beautiful day, the sun out, nice breeze- all is well with the world.

It hit me again, yesterday, how ill my sister is. Her fever was high again, and she slept for three hours in the middle of the day, even through the boys loud playing. I have been in a lot of denial about how sick she is.

It is odd, in some ways. I am not one to think positive- it drives my wife crazy. Every time my mother was sick, I was certain she would die. We sat through many a tearful conversation about what to do if she did not wake from a surgery.

She always did. Minus the end of her life, but that was a slow demise, not a sudden, unexpected slam.

I haven't gone there with my sister. I refuse to entertain the possibility that something could go wrong, that the disease is farther along than we think. That she will continue to feel so awful because the treatment might not work.

I can't, for the most part, think past the next hour. As the planner of the family, this is not good. But in terms of life lessons, I see how valuable this is for me.

Sit. Breathe. Live in the moment.

Allan sat me down yesterday and said, the boys need to know this isn't a small thing. They need to understand there is a long term reality- their usually playful aunt is not going to jump up and be able after a day on the calendar. This is going to be a winding roller coaster.

They need to learn compassion.

It brought me back. I will not have structure, for the most part. I can only plan the next hour, maybe two. Jake and I will go golfing this afternoon. We will have leftovers for dinner tonight. Laundry needs to be done.

That's it.

I also know I will have to reach out to all of my network of friends to help me with this. I cannot do it alone. I cannot be the sole support. My shoulders are broad but even I have my limits.

I hate feeling helpless. It is old, and pulls me back into a place where I have no voice.

Again, those damn triggers.

Tomorrow, doctors needs to be called. More records transferred. I need to get the books for the boys reading lists.

There is only so much I can do. I can't wave a wand and make my sister feel better. I wish I could. The Fates have a different plan for me.

But in this moment, there is delicious quiet. Sun. Dogs napping. I know I cannot catch it, bottle it, keep it.

It's a lesson I seem to need to learn in this life.

Finding Space Again

I've been a little remiss in posting and I'm sorry. I've been adjusting to having my sister here, full time and not well, adding in three boys on vacation with no camp, a new dog, and way too much rain for any sane person to live through.

We are in Ogunquit, where my sister will be living for a while.

It's not been easy but we are adjusting. I'm not the best nurse, and it's one thing when little boys are sick and another when it's an adult. I'm doing my best.

The sun came out today, and finally, there was hope. Three hours on the beach did the boys and I a world a good. They went into the ocean, a balmy 58 degrees, and played in the waves.

I wanted so badly to go to downeast, go out on the boat, catch fish, watch birds but it was not to be. It's hard to make someone as sick as my sister is go "camping" for a few days- and that's what it is up there.

I mentioned there will be spiders, and her face dropped- I knew it was pushing it too much.

The new dog is a sweetheart and is very calm. She's been great to have around and most definitely makes my sister happy to have at least a piece of her life here.

No more news from Georgia, thank god. Manfriend has disappeared down there and I have made it very clear that if he shows up here? I'm calling the cops. There is no discussion.

My world, my rules.

I read that Sarah Palin is resigning- how many people think that she made a deal to not get prosecuted for something, raise your hands.

Another gay soldier was killed at Camp Pendleton. The Navy has nothing to say about it. Sean Kennedy's killer was released after one year in jail. Obama promised we will be happy as a community at the end of his term- help the queers when it's all done, huh?

Tell Sean Kennedy's mom that.

It's going to take me a while to find my bearing again. So much is going on and I'm a structure lovin' gal- I don't have any right now. It's stressful. But next weekend is the annual Moms Weekend in Ogunquit- all of us gather together to eat, drink, laugh, and tell stories. fifteen people crammed into one small house- it is glorious.

I took a moment on the beach today, closed my eyes and remembered all the good in my life, as the boys played around me a game of rowdy pushing/pulling/twirling. Great friends, a world filled with kindness.

I am blessed.

Just a little on edge.